Run Game Conversation

She says she isn't ready for a relationship: what next

5 min read

"I'm not ready for a relationship" can mean several things: she wants to be single for now, she doesn't want one with you, or she wants something slower. You can't tell which from the sentence alone. Take it at face value, ask what she does want, decide what you want, and if the two don't match, leave kindly instead of waiting.

Everything here applies to any gender. "She" follows the title.

What it can mean

Nobody can read a mind, so these are possibilities, not diagnoses.

How to tell them apart: look at what she does, not just what she says. Does she make plans with you? Introduce you to friends? Stay in touch between dates? Or has she pulled back? Behavior over a few weeks tells you more than one conversation, and if it's inconsistent, hot and cold behavior covers what to do.

What the research can and can't say

The study above (Apostolou, O and Esposito, 2020, Frontiers in Psychology) recruited through Amazon Mechanical Turk (mean age 42.2 for women and 37.2 for men). It was self-reported, American only, and the authors state that people may not be accurate about their own reasons. It tells you that wanting freedom and fearing hurt are common among singles. It doesn't tell you why someone said this to you. That's why asking matters.

Step 1: take it as an answer

When someone tells you where they are, treat it as true until she shows you otherwise. Arguing ("But I think we'd be great") or trying to convince her turns her honesty into a negotiation. It also tends to make people pull away. A "no" or "not now" means stop pushing, even if you're hoping it changes.

Step 2: have one clear conversation

Once, calmly, no pressure. In person or on a call if you can. You're not asking her to change her mind. You're asking for information so you can decide.

Some lines:

Then listen. Her answer might be:

  1. "I like you, I just need time." Ask if she's comfortable staying in touch, and let her set the pace. Don't schedule your life around it.
  2. "I like seeing you, but not exclusively." This is a real offer, with real limits. You can say yes if it works for you, and no if it doesn't.
  3. "I don't think this is going to go anywhere." Believe her and be kind. You can say "I appreciate you being honest."
  4. She doesn't know. That's allowed too, and it leads to the next step.

Step 3: decide what you want

Write down, privately:

A common approach is to set your own check-in date. Something like: "If I still feel like I'm waiting in six weeks, I'll stop." That's a limit for you, and you don't need to announce it. Waiting with no end date is a choice, and it's worth making on purpose.

If the two of you want different things, it's fine to leave. See casual dating expectations for how to be straight about what you each want.

Step 4: if you want out, say it kindly

You don't have to make a speech.

Then actually step back. Don't keep checking her stories or leaving the door open "just in case." If you want friendship later, give it a few weeks first. Staying friends with an ex has the same logic.

What not to do

If you're also feeling low after this, handling rejection covers it, and getting over a girl who didn't like you back is there for the longer version.

What to do next

  1. Reply kindly to her message within a day: "Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it."
  2. Ask once, in person or by call, what "not ready" means for her. Use one of the lines above.
  3. Write down what you want over the next six months, and whether this setup can give it to you.
  4. Set a check-in date (four to six weeks) for yourself and keep it.
  5. If your wants differ, step back with one short, kind message, then stop checking in.
  6. Meet other people while you decide. That's normal, and it keeps this one situation from taking over.

Sources