Can you stay friends with an ex?

Can you be friends with your ex? Some people do, and some can't, and the difference usually isn't how much you liked each other. It's whether you both want a friendship, whether the romantic feelings have faded on both sides, and whether you're honest with yourself about why you're asking.

This is advice, not a verdict. Plenty of friendships with exes are fine, and plenty of clean breaks are fine too. Neither is the "mature" option.

Why people try

In 2017, Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling published a study on this, in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. In the first stage, 348 volunteers listed reasons exes might stay friends, which produced a list of 153 items. In the second, several hundred more people with at least one past breakup rated how important each reason was. Both groups were mostly university students, with an average age of about 21.

The reasons fell into seven groups: reliability and sentiment (for instance, "they made me a better person"), practical benefits, continued romantic attraction, children and shared resources, diminished romantic attraction, keeping a shared social circle, and sexual access. Reliability and sentiment was rated most important overall, and practical reasons least. Men rated practical and sexual-access reasons higher on average, though that gap was slight once the researchers accounted for personality traits such as extraversion. People who reported more negative emotion rated "continued romantic attraction" reasons higher.

There are limits. The participants were young students, the study asked about general attitudes, not about specific real friendships, and it can't tell you whether any particular friendship will work.

One takeaway is useful as a self-check. "Continued romantic attraction" was one of the real reasons people gave. If that's yours, that's not a judgment on you, but it's worth knowing which kind of friendship you're after.

What predicts closeness afterward

A Flinders University student health blog summarizes a 2015 study by Tan, Agnew, VanderDrift and Harvey, which interviewed 143 US adults aged 18 to 30 four times over a year. In the blog's account, people who'd been more committed before the breakup were closer to their ex afterward, and who ended it, or whether they wanted to get back together, didn't change that link significantly. The blog describes the sample as heterosexual adults considered at risk of HIV, so it's a narrow window on a broad question. This account comes from a summary, not the paper itself.

The honest read is that how things were before the breakup shapes what's possible after. A relationship that ended with betrayal, control or lots of conflict starts friendship from a different place than one that faded out.

When it tends to work

These are rules of thumb, not guarantees:

You both want it. Not one person asking and the other agreeing to be nice.
The romantic feelings have faded on both sides. If you're hoping it leads back to dating, you're not asking for a friendship. You're asking for something else, and the friendship may feel like a waiting room.
There's been time apart. A rule of thumb is a few months with little or no contact first. Some people need less, some more.
You can hear about her life. Her new job is easy. Her new partner might not be, and you'll find out which you are the first time it comes up.
You can be around mutual friends without anyone having to pick a side.

When it usually doesn't

One person still hopes. Friendship becomes a way to stay near, and every plan is secretly a test.
It's a way to keep sleeping together. This is a separate arrangement. Be honest about that, with her and yourself. If you're calling it friendship, the other person may not be reading it that way.
The relationship involved control, cruelty or fear. You don't owe anyone a friendship. If you felt unsafe, that's more than enough reason to stay away.
It's keeping you from moving on. If seeing her leaves you flattened for days, the friendship is costing you more than it's giving.
Either of you has a new partner who isn't comfortable. That doesn't make the partner unreasonable, and it doesn't make the friendship wrong. It means you'll have to talk about it.

Boundaries that help

Treat these as a starting list.

Start in groups. Dinner with a mutual friend before a one-on-one coffee. If a group is awkward, one-on-one will be harder.

Keep late nights off the table. Texting at 1 a.m. or late drinks together are where old patterns come back. Daytime plans keep things lighter.

Be upfront with new partners. If you start dating someone, tell her about your ex before she hears it from a friend. Don't ask the new person to "be cool." Let her say what she's comfortable with. Jealousy early in dating has more on handling that conversation.

Don't use her as your counselor about your dating life, and don't turn her into your confidant about new partners. It blurs the line and tends to hurt.

Watch your social media habits. In 2012, Tara Marshall surveyed 464 mostly young, mostly American participants. Staying Facebook friends with an ex went with fewer negative feelings and less longing, but also with lower personal growth. Checking the ex's profile frequently went with more distress and longing. It was a survey, so it shows association, not cause. Being connected and checking up are different things, and the study measured them separately.

If she doesn't want it

Some people want a clean break, and that's complete. Don't ask repeatedly, don't suggest she's being childish, and don't go through mutual friends. If you want to say anything, say it once: "If you ever want to be in touch, I'd like that. No pressure." Then leave it. If you're unsure whether to message at all, should you text your ex covers the check to run first.

If you're not sure yet

You don't have to decide in week two. "I'd like to be friends eventually, but I need some space first" is honest and doesn't close the door. Give it a few months, and notice how you feel when her name shows up on your phone. For the early stretch, getting over a breakup covers routines that help, and dating again after a breakup covers when you're ready for someone new.

What to do next

Write why you want the friendship. Three lines. If any line is "so I can keep an eye on her" or "so she'll realize," you have your answer for now.
Wait for a clear signal that she wants it too. She starts a conversation, or she says so. Don't push.
Make the first meeting small. A daytime coffee or a group dinner, ending in an hour or two.
Set one rule for yourself. For example, no late-night texting and no talking about dating. Review it after a month.
Tell any new partner before they hear it elsewhere. One honest sentence, then listen.
Check in with yourself after each meeting. Are you better, the same, or flat for the next two days? Three flat meetings in a row is your answer.
Keep your other friendships active. The ex friendship shouldn't be the only one you have. How to keep friendships going as an adult has simple routines.