Run Game Conversation

Casual dating: setting honest expectations

5 min read

"Casual dating" has no fixed definition. For one person it means seeing someone a few times and keeping things light. For another it means no labels but regular contact, and for a third it means keeping options open. Because the phrase covers so much, the only reliable rule is to say what you mean by it, out loud, early, and to ask what the other person means too.

If you've been wondering about the label itself, talking stage vs situationship covers that. This post covers what to say, how to listen, and what to do when two people want different things.

What casual usually means, and where people differ

Think of a few things that vary between people who say they're dating casually:

None of these has a right answer. A mismatch on any of them does cause hurt, which is why guessing is the risky option.

Saying what you want

Keep it short and plain. You aren't pitching or negotiating, just giving true information so she can decide. Acting more interested than you are, or less, sends a signal too, and how much interest to show is about matching it to what's real.

Two things to avoid. The first is vagueness that lets the other person assume what they hope for. "Let's see what happens" can be honest, but if you know you want something specific, say it. The second is saying what you think she wants to hear. If you say "I'm open to more" to keep things going, and you aren't, she's making decisions based on something untrue. Run Game's stated values say it doesn't condone juggling multiple people or leading anyone on, and that applies here as much as anywhere. If you are seeing other people, and she's agreed to that arrangement, say so. If she hasn't agreed, she has the right to know.

Listening to what she wants

Ask, then give her room.

Take the answer at face value. If she says she wants something casual, believe her. If she says she's hoping for something serious, believe that too, and compare it with your own answer before the next date. You don't need to match perfectly, but you do need to know. Hoping her answer will change later is a plan that depends on someone else.

What the research says, and doesn't

There's little research on casual dating in general, and what exists uses specific samples. One useful study followed friends-with-benefits arrangements, which is a narrower case than casual dating. Machia, Proulx, Ioerger and Lehmiller (2020) surveyed 192 people in such arrangements, then followed up a year later. After a year, 26% were still in the arrangement, 15% had become romantic partners, 28% had gone back to friendship, and 31% had no relationship with the person.

Two findings are relevant here. People who talked more about ground rules at the start were more likely to still have some kind of connection a year later. And outcomes depended on what people had wanted: 59% of those who hoped to return to friendship got it, but only 15% of those hoping for a romantic relationship did.

The limits matter. The sample was mostly female, white and heterosexual, and it had only two surveys a year apart. The communication link is an association, so it doesn't prove that talking causes better outcomes. Still, it fits the common-sense advice: say it early, and be realistic about the odds when your goal differs from the other person's.

Checking in later

An early conversation doesn't cover everything, because people change. A short check-in every few weeks keeps things honest.

If something has changed for you, say it soon. Waiting until it's urgent makes the conversation harder. The Love Is Respect list of green flags for relationships includes communication, honesty, equality and boundaries, which are as useful in a casual setting as in a serious one. Consent is its own item on that list: both people agreeing willingly, and a no, at any point, means stop.

Ending it kindly if your goals differ

Sometimes the honest answer is that you want different things. That doesn't make either person wrong. Ending cleanly is kinder than fading out.

Say it in person or by call if you've been seeing each other a while, or by a clear message if it's been a few dates. Avoid leaving it open ("maybe later") if you don't mean it. If she's upset, you don't need to argue or take it back. A short "I understand" is enough. If she'd rather be the one to say it, let her.

What to do next

  1. Write your own answer first. One sentence: "Right now I want ___." Do you want casual, something serious, or are you unsure?
  2. Say it by the third or fourth date, using one of the lines above, in person or in a relaxed moment.
  3. Ask what she wants and wait. Don't fill the silence.
  4. Agree on one thing explicitly, such as whether you're both seeing other people.
  5. Set a check-in. After about a month, ask whether it's still working for both of you.
  6. If the goals differ, decide within a week whether to continue or end it. Use a clear line, not a slow fade.
  7. If you want to move toward something serious, how to ask a girl to be your girlfriend and signs she wants a relationship can help. Starting a relationship on solid ground covers the talk to have before you commit.

Sources