How to handle rejection when you approach: a 4-step routine
A stranger who turns you down is usually deciding on a few minutes of information at most. You rarely find out why. What you control is the routine afterward, and a fixed routine beats improvising while your chest is tight.
Here it is in four steps: the first 10 seconds, the first 5 minutes, the rest of the night, and the weekly review.
What a no usually means
You won't see the reason, but common ones include:
- She's in a relationship.
- She's busy, late, or distracted.
- She's not in the mood to meet anyone right now.
- She's with friends and wants to stay with them.
- She's not attracted to you, which isn't a verdict on you. People have types.
- Strangers have approached her before and she keeps it short with everyone.
Jia Jiang, who did 100 days of rejection and gave the 2015 TEDxMtHood talk about it, makes a similar point: a no says more about the other person's circumstances and needs than about you. He also says rejection is only frightening if you're not used to it. That's what the routine below trains.
Step 1: the first 10 seconds
Say one line, smile, and go.
- "No worries. Have a good night."
- "Got it. Thanks for being straight with me."
- "Fair enough. Enjoy your book."
A no is the end of the interaction, so don't ask why and don't offer a compromise like "just one drink." Walk to another part of the room or leave. If someone is rude, say "Okay, have a good night" and go. If the situation feels unsafe, leave the area.
Step 2: the first 5 minutes
Your body will run hot: flushed face, fast heart, an urge to leave. Do these in order.
- Breathe out slowly, six counts, three times. Move around while you do it.
- Reappraise the feeling as excitement. Brooks's 2014 study "Get excited" found that people who reframed anxiety as excitement performed better at karaoke, public speaking, and math. That study wasn't about rejection, so treat this as a technique to try. Say it to yourself: "This is excitement."
- Remember the spotlight effect. In Gilovich, Medvec and Savitsky's 2000 study, people wearing an embarrassing T-shirt overestimated how many others noticed it. Most people around you are paying less attention than you think.
- Count it as a rep. You walked up and spoke. That was the skill.
Step 3: the rest of the night
Don't go home after one no. Going home early can leave the whole night filed as "approaching hurts."
- Stay out another 30 to 60 minutes.
- Make your next approach within 15 minutes, or at least talk to one person (a bartender, a friend, a stranger) about anything.
- Before you sleep, write a three-line log: what I said, what happened, one thing I'd keep or change.
Rejection therapy is the deliberate version of this. See rejection therapy for the 30-day plan.
Step 4: the weekly review
One rejection tells you almost nothing. Twenty start to show patterns. Once a week, read your last 10 to 20 logs and ask:
- Was she available to talk? (Headphones in, rushing, deep in conversation?)
- Did the no come in the first 10 seconds or after a few minutes?
- Did I see the signs she wasn't interested and leave when I saw them?
- Is this the same thing that went wrong last time?
If most nos come in the first 10 seconds, adjust your opener, timing, or tone. If conversations go well and then stall, look at what happens at minutes 3 to 5. Recurring issues are what the pickup community calls sticking points. A field report is the usual format for the log. See how to write a field report.
Common mistakes and fixes
| Mistake | Fix |
|---|---|
| Asking "Can I ask why?" | Say "No worries, have a good night" and go |
| Going home after the first no | Stay 30 to 60 minutes and approach once more |
| Replaying it all night | Write three lines and close the app |
| Taking a no as proof about you | Check the six common reasons above |
| Judging yourself from one night | Review 10 to 20 approaches together |
| Sarcasm ("Your loss") | Smile and leave. A warm exit is what you want to be remembered for |
| Avoiding the next approach | Make a small one, like a question to a barista |
Where Jia Jiang's method fits
Jiang's approach, which he describes in his TED talk and his 2015 book Rejection Proof, is to seek out rejection on purpose and in small doses until it loses its sting. In his low-stakes requests, he sometimes asked "Can I know why?" and found that a calm follow-up occasionally led somewhere useful. That tactic belongs to harmless requests, such as a favor from a shopkeeper. In an approach, a no is final and you leave. For the practice itself, see rejection therapy and approach anxiety.
What to do next
- Memorize one exit line from Step 1 and say it aloud five times today.
- After your next no, do three slow breaths, then say "This is excitement" once.
- Approach again within 15 minutes, even with a small one.
- Write a three-line log before bed, every outing night.
- Schedule a 15-minute review each week to read your last 10 to 20 logs.
- In Run Game, log every no as Rejected. Rejections count as approaches, the same as successes, and they keep your streak alive.