Run Game Approaching

How to shoot your shot in person

5 min read

"Shooting your shot" means taking the chance and making a move on someone you're attracted to. Doing it in person comes down to five things: choose a decent moment, say one simple line, read how she responds, ask clearly, and leave well if the answer's no. None of them needs a clever line or a big personality.

Why it feels bigger than it is

Much of the fear is about being watched. The spotlight effect, described by Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec and Kenneth Savitsky in 2000, is the finding that people overestimate how much others notice them. In one experiment, students wore an embarrassing T-shirt into a room of other students. They guessed about half the people there would notice it. Roughly a quarter did.

That doesn't remove the nerves, and it doesn't mean the person you walk up to won't notice you. They will, which is the point. It means the strangers around you are watching less than it feels like. If the nerves are what's stopping you, approach anxiety has a plan for it.

Step 1: pick the moment

Decide quickly, and go before you've talked yourself out of it. Look at what she's doing.

Go: browsing a shelf, sitting with a coffee and no screen out, walking at an easy pace, standing alone at an event. Pick spots where she could easily say no and leave.

Skip: she's on a call, headphones in with her eyes fixed ahead, hurrying with a set jaw, in the middle of a serious chat, or at work and unable to step away from a counter or a shift. Also skip anyone who can't easily leave, like someone stuck in a line, on a train seat or on a bench. Politeness may be the only thing keeping the conversation going there.

Then go soon. Waiting longer makes it harder. If you hover, she's more likely to notice you, and what she notices is a stranger lurking. Approach from the front or side, stop at a normal talking distance, and slow down for the last few steps. How to approach someone has the full walk-up.

Step 2: one simple line

Your line only has to get a conversation started and say why you came over. Pick one of these and use it until it's boring.

Say it at a normal pace, a little louder than feels natural, looking at her. Then stop talking and let her reply. Openers that work explains why delivery beats wording.

Step 3: read how she responds

You'll know early. Watch her body and her answers.

Good sign Stop sign
Turns toward you Stays angled away
Asks you something and keeps the thread going One-word answers
Smiles, adds detail, laughs Checks her phone or the door
Lingers when she could leave easily Steps back, or "I've got to go"

Politeness looks like interest. Someone who answers your question and doesn't walk off may just be being nice, so staying put tells you nothing when she's stuck in a line or on a bench. Look for the things she does that she didn't have to do. One sign means little. If most of what you see is on the right after two or three tries at conversation, take it as your answer. If you're unsure, ask once, clearly, and accept what she says. Signs of interest goes into more detail.

If it's going well, keep it light for a few minutes. Ask one question, then say something about yourself, then follow up on something she mentioned. You don't have to entertain her.

Step 4: ask, with exact words

Ask while it's still going well, before it fizzles. State the plan, not a vague "we should hang out sometime." Two ways:

For a date later: "I've enjoyed talking to you. I'd like to take you for a coffee this week. Want to put your number in?"

Hold your phone out with the contacts screen open. If she'd rather not, she can say so. Say "I'll text you" and go. If you do have to go, say that up front ("I've got to run in a minute, but..."). Don't invent a deadline you don't have.

For a date now: "I'm grabbing a coffee next door. Want to come for 20 minutes?"

That works only if you both clearly have time. It takes the awkward wait out of it, because the date is already happening. How to ask for a number covers hesitation and what to say if she gives a lukewarm answer.

If she says yes, be the one to go. End on a high note, while she's still smiling.

Step 5: if it's a no

A no, a hedge like "I'm not really looking," or her walking away all mean the same thing. Stop. Don't ask why, don't try again in five minutes, and don't try to negotiate.

Say something short and warm, then leave:

Then walk away at a normal pace. Don't sulk, and don't look back for a reaction. How you leave is the part you control, so put your effort there.

Expect it to sting for a bit. Write down what happened in a sentence or two. Handling rejection covers how to reset.

What to do next

  1. Choose your one line tonight and write it in your phone. Say it out loud five times.
  2. This week, shoot your shot at least three times. Go soon after you decide, somewhere she's free to leave and talk: a bookshop, a coffee shop, an event.
  3. In each conversation, check the table above after a few exchanges. Say to yourself "good" or "stop" before you decide what to do, and remember that a polite answer isn't a good sign on its own.
  4. When it's going well, ask with the exact line: "I'd like to take you for a coffee this week. Want to put your number in?"
  5. When it's a no, use one of the exit lines and walk off. Don't explain, don't push.
  6. Afterwards, write down three things: did you go before you talked yourself out of it, did you say why you came over, did you leave first.

You can log each try as a Success or Rejected in Run Game, so you'll see the real number, not just the ones that went well.

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