Run Game Approaching

Cold approach for beginners: your first week

5 min read

If you're searching for how to start cold approaching, here's the short version. A cold approach means walking up to someone you don't know and starting a conversation because you'd like to meet them. Your first week isn't about getting numbers. It's about doing the thing a handful of times, in small steps, until it stops being a big event.

One honest note before the plan. Cold approach is one way to meet people, and it takes practice. Friends, classes, clubs and apps all work too, and plenty of people use several. Social circle vs cold approach lays out the tradeoffs. This post is for you if you've decided you want to try it.

What to expect in week one

You'll probably feel your heart rate go up before you speak. That's normal, and approach anxiety explains why. Many first conversations are short and polite. Some people will be friendly, some will be busy, some will say no. All of those count as practice.

Here's a fact worth knowing early. In a well-known set of studies, Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec and Kenneth Savitsky (2000) had college students wear an embarrassing Barry Manilow T-shirt and then meet other students. The wearers guessed about half the room had noticed the shirt. Reported results put the real figure at under a quarter. It's called the spotlight effect: people tend to think others are watching them more closely than they are. The study involved students and a T-shirt, not approaches, so don't treat it as a promise about your next conversation. It does show that people tend to overestimate how closely others are watching them.

The week, day by day

These counts are a rule of thumb, not a requirement. Shrink them if they feel too big. Don't grow them to prove something.

Day 1: say hello to three strangers

Not romantic. Just contact. Thank the barista and add a comment ("That smells amazing, what is it?"). Say good morning to someone on your street. Ask the person in line behind you how long the wait usually is. You're teaching your body that talking to a stranger is survivable.

Day 2: five short conversations

Aim for five chats of about 30 seconds each, again with no romantic goal. Compliment a stranger's jacket, ask a dog owner the dog's name, ask someone at the gym how many sets they have left. If you freeze, count it and try the next one.

Day 3: your first real approach

Choose one person you'd actually like to meet, in a place where talking is normal, like a coffee shop, a bookstore or a park. Pick the opener ahead of time. Something plain works: "Hi, I saw you and wanted to say hello. I'm Sam." Openers that work has more lines. A common tip is to go within a few seconds of deciding, because waiting makes it feel heavier.

Say your name. Ask one question. Listen. If it's going well after a couple of minutes, you can say you'd like to keep talking, or ask for her number. If it isn't, say "Nice meeting you, have a good one" and leave. Either way, you've completed a first rep.

Day 4: rest and write it down

No approaches. Spend ten minutes on your notes: what you said, how it felt, what you'd change. One sentence for each is enough.

Day 5: two or three approaches

Same kind of place, same plain opener. You aren't trying to improve the line. You're trying to get comfortable with the first five seconds, which is where most of the fear lives.

Day 6: a busier place

Try a market, a food hall, a campus quad or a street at lunchtime. More people means more chances, and also more people who are in a hurry. Pick people who are standing or walking slowly, not people rushing, wearing headphones or on a call. How to approach someone covers reading the moment in detail.

Aim for three to five approaches. Some may last ten seconds. That's fine.

Day 7: review and set week two

Read your notes. Count approaches. Look for one thing that got easier and one thing that still feels hard. Then set a goal you fully control for next week, such as "six approaches" instead of "get two numbers."

How to act when it goes either way

If she's friendly. Keep it light and curious. Ask about what she's doing, share a little about yourself, and don't try to hold the conversation open longer than she wants. If you'd like to see her again, ask once, clearly, and take her answer.

If she says no, or isn't interested. Stop and leave politely. A no, a closed-off reply or walking away all mean the conversation is over. Don't ask a second time, follow her, or argue. Consent and respect goes through this in full. What to do with the sting is in the rejection posts on this blog.

If you froze and didn't go. That's data, not failure. Write down what stopped you: the people nearby, the opener, the fear of looking silly. Tomorrow, make the step slightly smaller.

What to track

Keep it simple. After each approach, write:

Counting every approach, including the ones that go nowhere, gives you numbers to look at instead of relying on a feeling that you "never do it."

If you use Run Game, you can log each approach as a Success or Rejected with an optional note, and name a session for each outing. If you hesitated and didn't go, put it in the session notes so you can see it later.

What to do next

  1. Pick your opener tonight and write it in your phone's notes. Use the same one all week.
  2. Do the Day 1 and Day 2 reps before you attempt a real approach. Three hellos, then five short chats.
  3. Choose a first-approach spot you can reach this week, somewhere with people who are standing or sitting calmly.
  4. Do one real approach on Day 3, then write three sentences about it that evening.
  5. Rest on Day 4, then do two or three approaches on Day 5.
  6. Do three to five approaches on Day 6 in a busier place. If you need a warm-up, say a plain hello to someone first, with no agenda.
  7. Set a week-two target you control, like "six approaches," and keep the notes. If you want a longer structure after that, the 100 approaches challenge spreads it over ten weeks.

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