Openers that work, and why the line matters less than you think
An opener has one job: start a conversation. "Hi, I'm Dan" does that. So does "Is this the line for the bathroom?" Many people hunt for the perfect line because it's the only part of an approach you can script, so it soaks up the worry. A common view among coaches is that the words matter less than the moment you pick and what you do after the first sentence. That's advice from experience, not a research result.
Todd Valentine of Todd V Dating tells beginners to pick one opener and reuse it, and to think in terms of "opening ideas" for the first 30 seconds instead of a single magic sentence. That's the frame for this whole article: one line to start, then a short plan for what follows.
Three kinds of opener, with lines
Direct
You say plainly that you noticed her and wanted to say hello.
- "Hi. This is a bit out of the blue, but I saw you and thought I'd regret not saying hello. I'm Dan."
- "Hey, excuse me. You're really cute. I wanted to come and say hi." (Valentine's own wording.)
- "Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say you've got a great style. I'm Dan."
Best for: the street, quiet daytime spots, any time you've got her attention for a few seconds. It saves time and nobody wonders why you're there.
Situational
You start with something you're both dealing with.
- "Have you had the cold brew here? I can't decide if it's worth six dollars."
- "Do you know if this train stops at Central, or am I about to end up somewhere strange?"
- "Is this line always this long, or did I pick a bad day?"
Best for: lines, waiting areas, any shared moment. Easiest when you're nervous.
Observational
You comment on something she chose: a book, a jacket, a dog, a tote bag from a band you like.
- "I have to ask about the patch on your bag. Is that from the climbing gym on 5th?"
- "You're the first person I've seen actually reading that. Is it as good as everyone says?"
- "Your dog has completely given up on this walk."
Best for: when she's carrying or wearing something that invites a question. Keep it to things she picked, not her body.
The switch
A common pattern is to open situationally and go direct a minute or two in: "Honestly, I came over because I wanted to meet you. The coffee was an excuse." Make the switch within the first three minutes, or the chat stays a chat.
The opinion opener, briefly
The Mystery Method, popularized by Neil Strauss's The Game (2005), made the "opinion opener" famous: you ask someone, often a group, to settle a debate you and a friend are supposedly having. It was built to start a conversation without revealing interest, and it was often scripted in advance. If you're genuinely curious about something ("We're arguing about whether this place does the best tacos in town, what's your vote?"), it's an easy way into a group. The pickup glossary covers the other named openers.
What to say in the next 30 seconds
The opener buys you about five seconds. Plan the next step before you walk over:
| After this opener | Say this next |
|---|---|
| Direct | "Are you from around here, or just passing through?" |
| Situational | Something about yourself: "First time here. My friend swears the pastries are the reason to come." |
| Observational | Ask about the thing: "How long have you been climbing?" |
Then listen. Her answer gives you the next line.
Speed-dating research is one data point on keeping the focus on the other person. Daniel McFarland, Dan Jurafsky, and Craig Rawlings studied about 1,000 four-minute speed dates (published 2013 in the American Journal of Sociology). Pairs were more likely to report "clicking" when the conversation was mainly about the woman, and when the man used appreciative or sympathetic phrases ("That's awesome," "Oh, that sounds rough"). Women reported feeling less connected when they had to carry the conversation by asking the questions. These were self-reports from speed dates, not street approaches, so treat the takeaway as a reasonable starting point: invite her to talk about herself, and react to what she says.
Delivery beats the line
Say "Hi, I wanted to come say hello" two ways. Once fast, quiet, eyes on the floor, half-turned as if you might bolt. Once at a normal pace and volume, looking at her, with a small smile. Same words. One sounds like an apology. The other sounds like an invitation.
Vanessa Van Edwards, in her book Cues, advises speaking at the lowest pitch that's comfortable for you and avoiding question inflection, where a statement rises at the end like a question. In an opener, that means "I'm Dan" ends level or falling, never "I'm Dan?" More on that in voice and tonality.
A delivery checklist:
- Speed. Half the pace your nerves want.
- Volume. One notch louder than feels natural.
- Eyes. On hers for the whole first sentence. See eye contact.
- Pause. Stop talking after the opener and give her two full seconds to respond.
- Body. Turned toward her, not half-leaving.
Context picks the opener for you
"What are you reading?" works in a bookstore and sounds bizarre shouted in a club. A direct "I wanted to say hello" works on a quiet afternoon street and is an obstacle to someone sprinting for a bus. Before you choose words, check three things: is she free to talk, is it quiet enough, is there something obvious in front of you both? The answers usually pick the opener. Situational approaches covers coffee shops, gyms, and bookstores one by one.
Common mistakes and the fix
Rehearsing a long opener. Long lines get garbled under nerves. Fix: keep it under 15 words.
Asking a yes/no question and stopping. "Is this seat taken?" "No." Silence. Fix: always have your follow-up ready from the table above.
Staying situational for 15 minutes. She never finds out you're interested. Fix: switch to direct within three minutes.
Opening with a compliment about her body. Fix: compliment something she chose, like her style, her book, her taste in coffee.
Recovering badly from a flat opener. Fix: own it with a smile. "Okay, that was a strange way to start. I'm Dan, I just wanted to say hi." If she still gives short answers and turns away, say "Enjoy your day" and go.
What to do next
- Pick one direct opener and one situational opener from the lists above. Write both in your phone notes.
- Use only those two for your next 10 approaches. Changing lines every time stops you learning anything about delivery.
- Record yourself saying your direct opener three times on your phone. Listen for speed and for a rising pitch at the end. Re-record until it ends flat.
- Prepare two follow-ups for each opener: one question about her, one statement about your day.
- After each approach, write one line: which opener, and how she responded in the first 10 seconds (smiled, short answer, turned toward you). After 10, see which opener gets more of the first reaction.
The forum in Run Game has a field reports section where people post the exact lines they used and how they went, which is a useful way to collect openers that sound natural from people at your level.