Run Game Conversation

Should you get back with an ex? How to decide

6 min read

Getting back with an ex works for some people and not for others, and research on couples who split and reunite doesn't say it's a good idea or a bad one. What it does show is that it's common, and one qualitative study found reunions often followed some change in how the two people weighed the relationship. This is the bigger decision behind a message to an ex. For the message itself, see should you text your ex.

One rule first. If your ex has asked for no contact, or blocked you, the answer is no, and nothing below changes that. Everything here assumes both of you are free to talk.

How common it is

A study using the Toledo Adolescent Relationships Study looked at 792 people aged 17 to 24 who were dating or living with a partner. About 45 percent had broken up and later gotten back together with their current or most recent partner, and those who had broken up at all averaged about 2.4 reunions. The sample came from one metropolitan area, only one partner per couple was surveyed, and the data were from a single point in time, so it can't show what caused what. In a later summary, researchers Kristin Turney and Sarah Halpern-Meekin report that nearly half of young adults say they've broken up and gotten back together in their current or most recent relationship, with an average of 2.5 episodes, and that partners don't always agree on whether they broke up at all.

So if you're considering it, you're not unusual.

What the research suggests, with limits

Three findings are worth knowing, each from a different study and each limited.

None of these says reuniting fails. They say it's frequent, can be uneven, and tends to depend on the two people's patterns. Averages say little about any one couple.

Start with why it ended

Write down the actual reason, in a sentence, with no softening. Knowing why relationships fall apart in general can help you find the words. Then sort it:

If you can't name the reason, you can't tell whether it's been addressed.

What has changed

"I miss you" and "I've changed" are feelings and promises. Evidence looks different:

And check your own motives. Loneliness, a bad week, seeing them with someone new or a fear of starting over can feel like missing them. A rule of thumb: would you want this person if you had other good options? (Dating after a breakup covers the stretch when it's easy to confuse those.)

A trial period

If you both want to try, a common approach is to treat the first stretch as an experiment with explicit terms, not a restart.

If it doesn't work out, a clear second ending is usually easier on both of you than a slow fade. (How to break up kindly and clearly covers it.)

If you decide not to

That's a real decision too, and not a failure. Getting over a breakup is the practical guide, and knowing when it's time to end a relationship helps if you're checking whether your reasons from the first breakup still stand.

What to do next

  1. Write the reason it ended. One sentence, then label it: circumstance, goals, pattern or safety.
  2. List what's different. Only things someone else could observe. If the list is empty, that's your answer for now.
  3. Wait a set period before deciding. A rule of thumb is two to four weeks of no pressure. Don't decide on a lonely night.
  4. Talk to one outside person. A friend who knew you both, or a counselor.
  5. If you reconnect, write the terms. What each of you will do differently, and when you'll check in.
  6. Set an exit. Decide now what would make you walk away, and tell your partner when you get there.

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