Run Game Conversation

Knowing when it's time to end a relationship

6 min read

There's no test that tells you when to end a relationship, and anyone who offers a single rule is guessing. What exists is a set of patterns that counselors and researchers treat as meaningful, plus a few questions that make a muddy decision a bit clearer. This covers dating relationships and longer ones. If you're afraid of your partner, skip to the safety section.

Two honest views

People who think about this land on different sides, and both have a case.

Work on it first. Rough patches are common, and many couples who get help improve. A review of couple therapy research in the PubMed Central archive says meta-analyses find the average treated person ends therapy better off than 70 to 80 percent of untreated people, and that distressed couples left without help show little improvement.

Leave when the pattern holds. The same review says gains fade for about half of couples over several years, and that, in a few trials and one uncontrolled evaluation with follow-up at 4 to 5 years, deterioration or divorce occurred for roughly 35 to 50 percent of couples. Effects in everyday clinics also appear somewhat lower than in trials. Staying and trying is no guarantee.

Neither view is wrong. The question is which one fits your situation, and that depends on what's actually happening.

Patterns that often count as reasons to end it

Counseling services at universities publish checklists that overlap heavily. The University of Iowa's counseling service suggests asking whether the relationship supports your well-being, respects your boundaries and leaves you feeling safe and valued, and lists mistreatment, controlling behavior, constant suspicion or possessiveness, and a persistent mismatch in core values or future goals as red flags. The University of Georgia's health promotion page adds trust that can't be rebuilt, persistent unhappiness, unresolved conflict, and staying only to avoid loneliness or because you don't want to hurt your partner.

Three of these deserve a closer look.

A caution about doubt

A feeling of doubt isn't the same as a reason. A 2012 study of 464 newlyweds (232 couples in Los Angeles) found that doubts before the wedding were common, reported by at least one partner in about two-thirds of couples, and that wives' doubts went with higher divorce rates four years later (19 percent versus 8 percent), while the difference for husbands (14 versus 9 percent) was not statistically significant. The authors call doubts "common but not benign." The study asked a single yes-or-no question, collected data in 1991 to 1994, and doesn't show that doubt causes divorce or that doubts predict trouble for any one couple. It was also about people about to marry, so it may not transfer to a dating relationship.

A reasonable reading: doubt is worth examining, and neither obeying it nor dismissing it automatically is likely to help.

Questions to ask yourself

Answer these on paper, at a time when you aren't mid-argument.

  1. Pattern or phase? Has the same problem returned for months, or did it start with a stressful job, a move or a loss?
  2. Have I said it plainly? Your partner can't fix something they've only heard as hints.
  3. Have they heard it and changed anything? A small, sustained change counts. Promises that fade within a week don't.
  4. Do I like who I am around them?
  5. If nothing changed for a year, would I stay?

If the answer to the last one is no, that doesn't decide it. It tells you how much is riding on the conversation you haven't had yet.

Try first, with a time limit

If the problem is fixable and nobody's safety is at stake, a common approach is a defined attempt: a direct conversation, then a set period of trying something specific, such as weekly check-ins or a counselor. The length is your call. What matters is that there's a limit, which keeps "working on it" from drifting into years of the same argument.

Telling a friend or therapist is often suggested too, because an outside view can catch what you've stopped seeing. Choose someone who'll listen rather than someone who'll tell you what to do. (Therapy for guys covers finding one.) For background on one researcher's patterns, see John Gottman.

If it isn't safe

Fear, being controlled, being cut off from friends or being hurt belong in a different category from a rough patch. The Georgia page above says abuse isn't only physical and can include put-downs, control over your decisions and pulling you away from friends, and suggests talking with a professional if you feel afraid of your partner. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) takes calls at 800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat on thehotline.org, and its advocates can help you build a personal safety plan. Call 911 if you're in immediate danger. Utah State's student advocacy page puts it plainly: if you feel unsafe ending a relationship, don't do it alone. Outside the US, local services differ, so search for your country's domestic abuse line.

If you've decided

Do it clearly and in person where that's safe. How to break up kindly and clearly covers what to say. Some people reconsider afterward, which is covered in should you get back with an ex. Red flags in someone you're dating lists early warning signs.

What to do next

  1. Write the pattern down. List the last three times the same problem came up, with dates and what happened.
  2. Say it once, plainly. Pick a calm moment and state the specific behavior, what it does to you, and what you need.
  3. Set a window. Agree with yourself on four to twelve weeks of real effort, and write down the date you'll reassess.
  4. Talk to one outside person. A friend you trust or a licensed therapist, within the next two weeks.
  5. Answer the year question. "If nothing changed for a year, would I stay?" Write the answer and your reasons.
  6. If anything feels unsafe, contact an advocate before any conversation with your partner.

A good follow-up is why relationships fall apart.

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