Run Game Conversation

Why relationships fall apart: common causes and warning signs

6 min read

There's no single reason relationships end, and researchers disagree about which ones matter most. What the studies share is this: a long list of causes usually collapses into a few patterns, such as commitment fading, conflict that turns hostile, a betrayal, and outside stress piling up. This post goes through what the research actually measured, how far it can be pushed, and what you can do with it.

What people say ended their marriages

One of the more detailed recent studies asked 52 divorced people. They came from a larger study of 306 couples recruited through religious organizations that performed their weddings and through a university, and all had taken a premarital education course (PREP) before marrying. Researchers phoned them between 2010 and 2012 and asked, yes or no, whether each of 10 common problems had been a major contributor to the divorce (Scott and colleagues, 2013).

The top answers among the 52:

Reason Share who said yes
Lack of commitment 75.0%
Infidelity 59.6%
Too much conflict and arguing 57.7%
Marrying too young 45.1%
Financial problems 36.7%
Substance abuse 34.6%
Domestic violence 23.5%

Participants were also asked about a "final straw." 68.6% named one, and among those people infidelity (24%), domestic violence (21.2%) and substance use (12.1%) came up most.

The limits matter here. The sample is small (31 women and 21 men), mostly White (88.2%), and every person had taken the same premarital course, which most couples don't. People were remembering events years later. There was no comparison group of couples who stayed together. The authors call their conclusions preliminary. Marriages that ended in divorce are also not the same as every relationship that ended, so this tells you little about a six-month dating relationship.

And it's a checklist. A cause that wasn't on the list had to come up in the follow-up questions, which is why different studies, using different lists or open-ended questions, rank things differently.

What watching couples argue found

A different approach is to observe couples first and see who splits later. John Gottman and Robert Levenson followed 79 couples in Bloomington, Indiana, starting in 1983. By the end of the 14 years, 22 of them (28%) had divorced, according to the University of Washington's 2000 report on the study.

The researchers described two timelines. Couples who divorced in the first seven years tended to fight openly, with conflict that escalated and high physical arousal. Couples who divorced later, often when children were young teenagers, were more likely to be emotionally distant, suppressing negative feelings and showing few positive ones.

That's a small sample from one city, and the report doesn't say how accurately the patterns predicted who divorced. The Gottman Institute also names four habits it says predict relationship endings (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) and calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce. Its page doesn't give sample sizes or name the studies behind that claim, so read it as the Institute's position. For a longer rundown of the work, see John Gottman and the research on lasting relationships.

Four common patterns

Reading across the two sources, and treating this as a summary rather than a ranking, you get these:

Warning signs, as advice

These come from common counseling advice, not from a single study, so treat them as prompts to talk and not as a verdict on anyone:

A single bad week isn't a pattern. A rule of thumb is to look for things that have repeated for a month or two.

Two views on what to do when you see them

Some counselors say couples should try to fix a pattern together first, through honest conversation or couples counseling. Others say that when core goals differ, or trust has been broken repeatedly, staying together delays something that's coming. Both are reasonable positions, and which one fits depends on the situation and on whether both people want to change. Knowing when it's time to end a relationship looks at that decision directly.

What to do next

  1. Pick one pattern from the list above and write down a recent, specific example, with dates. Facts first, interpretation second.
  2. Raise it within 48 hours, in person, at a calm time. Start with your own feeling and one request: "I felt shut out when we stopped talking Tuesday. Can we sort out how we handle disagreements?"
  3. Read fighting fair and agree on one rule together, such as a 20-minute break when either of you is overwhelmed, then a return to the topic.
  4. Try being a better listener for one conversation: repeat back what you heard before replying.
  5. If you've talked about the same thing three or four times with no change, book a session with a couples therapist or a counselor on your own. Therapy for guys covers how to start.
  6. If the sign is violence, threats or being controlled, skip the conversation and contact a hotline or someone you trust.
  7. If you're still dating, use the same list as a filter. Red flags in someone you're dating is the early-stage version.

It pairs well with how couples repair trust.

Sources