Should you text your ex? How to decide

Should you text your ex? Sometimes yes, often not yet, and the answer depends less on the message than on what you want it to do. If you can't say in one plain sentence what you want from the reply, that's usually a sign to wait.

This covers an ex you were actually together with. It doesn't cover a date who went quiet (ghosted after a date does) or someone who said no to you.

One rule before anything else

If she's told you to stop contacting her, or has blocked you, that settles it. Don't text, don't find another account, don't send a friend. A no is a no, and it applies after a relationship too. Everything below assumes contact is allowed.

Reasons to text

These are the honest ones:

Logistics. A lease, a shared subscription, a pet, a jacket, a deposit. Practical messages are normal and don't need a long wait.
An apology you owe. If you did something wrong and you've had time to think about it, saying so plainly can matter, as long as you aren't asking for anything back.
A real wish to be on good terms. If the breakup was mutual and calm, a short message after some time can be welcome. (More in can you stay friends with an ex.)
A real event. Someone you both know died, or something big happened that she'd want to hear from you and not from a stranger.

Reasons to hold off

You're hoping for a reaction. A message that exists to see if she'll reply, or to see how she's doing, is checking, not talking.
It's the loneliest hour of the day. Late-night texts are often sent for relief, and the relief may not last past the send button. A common result is a day spent watching your phone.
It restarts the clock. For some people each exchange stirs the feelings up again. That varies a lot, and plenty of people text an ex without it setting them back.
You don't know what you'd do with a reply. If she answers warmly, what then? If she answers coldly, how will you feel at 3 a.m.?
She's in a different place. She might be hurting, relieved, or seeing someone new. A message lands in her day, not yours.

Research on texting an ex specifically is thin, so nobody can promise you what a message will do. The closest studies are about checking an ex's social media. In a 2012 survey of 464 mostly young, mostly American participants, Tara Marshall found that looking at an ex's Facebook page went with more current distress, more longing and less personal growth. It was a one-time survey, so it can't show that checking causes anything. People who are still struggling might just check more. The University of Sydney's counselling service, in its breakup guide, says there's no deadline for moving on and suggests building interests that don't involve your ex. It's one counselling service's guidance, not a rule.

A quick check before you send

Run these as a rule of thumb, not a test you pass or fail:

Say it out loud. "I'm texting her because ___." If the blank is "I miss her" or "I want to know if she's okay," that's feeling, not purpose. It's fine to feel it. It's not a reason to send.
The no-reply test. Would you still send this if you knew she'd never answer? If not, you're sending it for the answer.
Sleep on it. Write it, don't send it. Look at it in the morning. Drafts often read differently.
Sober and calm. Not after drinks, not after a fight, not after seeing her photo.
Time since. A rule of thumb is a few weeks of no contact before anything non-practical. Some breakups need longer, some less.

What to send if you do

Keep it short, specific and answerable without any emotional labor. Some examples:

Logistics. "Hey, I've got your hoodie and a couple of books. Want me to drop them at your building this week, or would you rather I mail them?"

An apology. "I've been thinking about how I handled the last few weeks. I'm sorry for [the specific thing]. You don't need to reply."

A friendly note after time apart. "Saw this and thought of the camping trip. Hope the new job is going well." Only send this if you'd be okay with no reply and you aren't hoping it turns into more.

What to leave out: "can we talk?", "I miss you" as bait, questions about who she's seeing, and anything that makes her responsible for how you feel. If you honestly want to talk about getting back together, that's a real thing to want, and a plain request is better than a text built to provoke a response. Say it once, be ready for a no, and treat the answer as final.

If she doesn't reply

You'll want to send another one. Don't.

Silence is an answer. It may mean "not now," "not ever," or "I don't know what to say." You can't tell which, and chasing won't tell you either. Double texting covers when a follow-up is fine and when silence is the answer. With an ex, treat silence as the answer.
Don't escalate. No second message, no new account, no asking mutual friends to check on her, no turning up where she works.
Don't read meaning into read receipts. They tell you very little.
Give yourself a way to handle the wait. Mute the thread and put your phone in another room for an hour. Then do something with a clear start and end, like a run or dinner with a friend.
Turn it into information, not a verdict. A non-reply doesn't mean you were wrong to send something kind. It means that's all you get from this one.

If it's still hard a few weeks later, getting over a breakup is about the longer stretch.

If she texts you first

You don't owe a fast answer, and you don't owe a cold one. Answer if you want to, in the tone you'd want to receive. If you can tell the conversation is pulling you back into the old loop, "Thanks for letting me know, I need some space right now" is a complete reply.

What to do next

Write down what you'd want from a reply. One sentence. If it's more than "to sort out the lease," think again.
Draft it in your notes app, not in the thread. Wait until the next morning.
Cut it to three sentences or fewer. Remove every question that isn't practical.
Pick the sending window. Mid-day, not after 9 p.m., not after drinks.
Decide your silence plan before you hit send. If no reply in 48 hours, you do nothing and mute the thread.
If you can't wait, text a friend instead. Tell them what you wanted to say to her.
If you're sending it every night in your head, talk to someone. A friend, a doctor or a therapist. In the US, you can call or text 988 if things feel unmanageable.