How to get over a breakup as a guy

If you're trying to get over a breakup, the most useful thing to know is that there's no schedule for it. Some people feel steadier in a few weeks. Others have good days and bad days for months. Neither speed says anything about you.

This is for the stretch after a relationship ends, whether you ended it, she did, or it fell apart together. If what you're dealing with is a crush that never became a relationship, how to get over a girl who didn't like you back fits better.

What the first weeks are like

A university counselling service (CAPS at the University of Sydney) lists the reactions it calls typical after a breakup: denial, sadness and loneliness, fear, anger, self-blame, guilt if you were the one who ended it, jealousy, confusion, and sometimes relief. Several can show up in the same afternoon. The same guide says it's important to accept that a breakup causes some distress, and that the more you struggle against the feelings, the longer adjusting will take.

In practice that looks like checking your phone out of habit, replaying the last conversation, or feeling fine at noon and flattened at 10 p.m. It's messy, and it's allowed to be.

How long does it take?

Nobody can give you a number, and anyone who does is guessing. The University of Sydney guide says to "discard the timeline": there's no deadline for moving on, and you'll probably have good and bad days, or even weeks or months.

There is one small study worth knowing about. In 2008, Paul Eastwick, Eli Finkel, Tamar Krishnamurti and George Loewenstein followed 69 Northwestern University freshmen, all in dating relationships of at least two months. Twenty-six of them broke up during the study. Two weeks before the breakup, they predicted how upset they'd be. Afterward they reported their actual distress at the breakup and again 2, 6 and 10 weeks later. Their predictions were higher than what they reported, even at the 10-week mark, and reported distress fell on average over those weeks.

The limits matter. That's 26 people aged 17 to 19, who had been dating for 14 months on average, and it only covers ten weeks. The authors also found that people who were more in love with their partner, and who played less of a role in ending things, made the most inaccurate forecasts. It doesn't tell you how long your breakup will take. It suggests that people can overestimate how bad the early days will feel. That doesn't mean they won't be hard.

Contact: a common approach and what it costs

A common piece of advice is some version of no contact: stop texting, mute or unfollow, and let some time pass before you decide anything about being in touch. Label that for what it is, advice, not a law. Some people stay on good terms from day one and do fine.

There's some research on one piece of it. In 2012, Tara Marshall surveyed 464 people about Facebook and their breakups. Checking an ex's profile went with more current distress, more longing and less personal growth, even after the study accounted for offline contact and other factors. Staying Facebook friends went with fewer negative feelings and less longing, but also lower personal growth. It was an online survey with mostly young participants (84% women, average age about 21), so it shows patterns, not cause and effect. Someone who's still hung up may simply check more. It was also about Facebook in 2012, not every app you have now.

Practical ways to cut the feeding without making a scene:

Mute, don't announce. Muting her stories and posts is quiet. Blocking is also fine if you know you'll look otherwise.
Archive the chat. Don't delete it in anger and don't reread it at midnight.
Handle logistics once. If you have her hoodie or she has your charger, agree on a single drop-off, in writing, and keep it short.
Decide before you're lonely. Pick your rule on a calm day. At 11 p.m. on a Saturday you'll bargain.

If you're wondering whether to message her at all, should you text your ex walks through the reasons on both sides.

Routines that make the days easier

The same Sydney guide suggests a daily schedule, to point your attention at tasks and fill the hours you used to spend with your partner, plus exercise, nutrition, and new interests that don't involve your ex. None of that cures anything. It gives the day a shape.

Anchor the morning. Same wake-up time, something that moves your body, something to eat. It's boring and it works better than motivation.
Plan the weak spots. If Sunday evenings are rough, book Sunday evenings: a basketball game, a jog, dinner at a friend's.
Keep the people. After a breakup, friendships can get neglected. How to keep friendships going as an adult has simple ways to do it, and how to make friends as an adult guy helps if the breakup also took half your social circle.
Write one page. What did you learn about what you want and what you don't? The CAPS guide suggests noting what you've learned about yourself and what you value. It's for you. Don't send it.
Say it to one person. If your reflex is to keep it to yourself, pick one friend or family member and tell them how it's going. You don't need a long talk. "Rough week, can I come over?" is enough.

When it's more than sadness

Sadness after a breakup is normal. But if weeks go by and you can barely eat, sleep, work or study, or if you're thinking about hurting yourself, that's a good time to talk to a doctor or a therapist. Therapy for guys: what it's like and how to start covers what a first session looks like.

In the US, you can call or text 988 at any hour to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It's free and confidential, and it's open to anyone who needs to talk, even if it doesn't feel like a crisis. If you're elsewhere, your local emergency number or crisis line does the same job.

What to do next

Set your contact rule today. Write it in your notes: for example, "No messages and no checking her profile for 30 days, then I'll decide." The number is a rule of thumb, not a magic figure. Change it if it doesn't fit.
Mute and archive in the next ten minutes. Her stories, her posts, the chat thread. Don't delete anything you might need for logistics.
Put three things in the calendar this week. One with a friend, one that moves your body, one that's new. Times and places, not "sometime."
Tell one person where you're at. Send the text tonight.
Keep a short daily note for two weeks. Two lines: how you slept, how it felt. After two weeks, reread it. Trends are easier to see on paper than in your head.
Decide what counts as a flag. If you're still unable to eat, sleep or function after a few weeks, book a doctor or therapy appointment. If you're in crisis, call or text 988 now.
Hold off on a rebound decision. When you're ready to date again, dating again after a breakup covers signs you're ready and how to pace it.

If one of the things you want back is a social life, Run Game has a Map with a "Near you" view of plans to go out within 50 miles, where you can post your own or ask to join someone else's. It's one option among many. A class, a club or a friend's invitation does the same job.