Run Game Conversation

How to be a better listener in conversation

6 min read

The single most useful listening habit is a follow-up question: one that picks up something the other person just said. "You said the trip got cancelled. What did you do instead?" It proves you heard them, it keeps the conversation moving, and it's easy to do.

Listening is a skill you can practice, and most of it is behavior you can see: where your eyes and phone are, what you ask, how you respond to silence. This post covers those habits, with examples and what research has and hasn't shown.

What the research says

Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard published a set of studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2017). In an online chat study, 430 people were paired to get to know each other for 15 minutes, and some were told to ask many questions (at least nine) and others few (four or fewer). People who asked more questions were better liked, and follow-up questions seemed to matter most. In a speed-dating dataset of 110 people and more than 2,000 conversations, the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. As reported by Harvard Business School, asking one more question on each of 20 dates would have produced one more "yes" on average.

The limits matter. The chats were text-based with assigned question counts, so they may not match a live conversation. And the researchers noted that firing questions without sharing anything about yourself can come across as guarded or invasive. Questions work when they're responsive, meaning tied to what the person said.

On phones, Andrew Przybylski and Netta Weinstein (2013) paired strangers for 10-minute chats, with either a phone or a notebook sitting nearby. When the topic was casual, the phone made no difference. When the topic was meaningful, the pairs with a phone nearby reported less closeness, less trust and less empathy from their partner. These were short lab conversations between strangers, rated by self-report, so treat the result as a hint about attention, not a law.

There's also research on what listening does for the speaker. In five experiments, Guy Itzchakov and colleagues (2018) found that when listeners were attentive, empathic and nonjudgmental, speakers felt less socially anxious and became clearer about their own attitudes. A 2022 review by Avraham Kluger and Itzchakov, mostly about work settings, links good listening to trust, well-being and relationship quality, and the authors suggest it's a likely cause as well. None of that was about dating, so apply it loosely.

Habits that make people feel heard

Put the phone away

Not face-up on the table, not in your hand. In a pocket or bag. If you're expecting something urgent, say so once: "I might get a call about my sister's flight, I'll check it quickly if it comes."

Ask follow-ups, not new topics

Compare these two exchanges.

Her: I just got back from a weekend in Portland. You: Cool. What do you do for work?

versus

Her: I just got back from a weekend in Portland. You: Nice. What was the best part?

The second one stays on her thread. The first one swaps in a new subject and tells her the Portland detail didn't register. A conversation threading approach helps here: pick a word or detail from what she said and ask about that.

Pause before you answer

A rule of thumb is to wait a beat after they finish speaking, about a second or two, before you reply. It stops you from cutting in on a sentence that isn't done, and it gives people room to add the more honest part. A few seconds of silence can feel longer to you than it does to them.

Say it back in your own words

Paraphrasing is a standard active-listening move: "So the move fell through and you're back at your old place for now?" If you got it right, they'll say yes and keep going. If you got it wrong, they'll correct you, which is better than both of you pretending. Don't parrot their exact words back, and don't do it after every sentence. Once or twice per conversation is plenty.

Respond to the feeling, not just the facts

If she says her presentation went badly, "That sounds frustrating" does more than "What was the topic?" You don't have to solve it. Often people just want to say it out loud. If you're unsure, ask: "Do you want ideas, or do you just want to vent?"

Keep your eyes and body on them

Face them, nod when it fits, and keep eye contact that feels natural for you (the eye contact guide goes into this). Don't scan the room over their shoulder.

Things that look like listening but aren't

Listening isn't the same as agreeing

You can listen closely to someone and still hold a different view. Saying "I see why you'd feel that way, I look at it differently" is listening and honesty together. It also keeps you from nodding along to things you don't believe just to be liked.

What to do next

  1. Today, put your phone in your pocket for one whole conversation and notice how often you reach for it.
  2. In your next three conversations, ask one follow-up question that uses a word or detail the other person just gave you.
  3. Practice the pause: after someone finishes, count "one-one-thousand" silently before you answer. Do it five times this week.
  4. Paraphrase once in a conversation that matters ("So what you're saying is...") and watch whether they say "yes, exactly" or correct you.
  5. End one conversation by asking yourself what you learned about the person. If you can name two specific things, you listened. If not, aim for that next time.

Writing it down helps too. In Run Game, session notes are a good place to jot one thing you learned about someone, or what you'd ask next time. For related reading, see how to build rapport quickly, how to keep a conversation going, and how to not be awkward.

It pairs well with deep conversation.

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