Red flags in someone you're dating, and what to do about them

A red flag is a behavior that suggests a relationship could go badly. People search "red flags in a woman," but the useful ones don't depend on gender. They describe what someone does, and they apply to anyone you date, including you. A flag also isn't a verdict. It's a reason to pay closer attention.

Two ground rules before the list.

Patterns count, single moments don't. Everyone cancels once, snaps once, or says something dumb on a bad day. A flag is something that repeats, or something serious enough that once is plenty.

Early dating shows a lot. In the first weeks both people are usually on their best behavior. So how someone acts when they're annoyed, told no, or caught in a mistake is more informative than how they act while it's easy.

Control

Many people treat control as the category to take most seriously. Interest usually means wanting to spend time with you. Control means trying to decide how you spend your time.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists these among its warning signs of abuse:

Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers.
Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
Controlling finances in the household without discussion.

In the first month, the milder versions look like this: sulking whenever you see your friends, demanding to see your phone, wanting to know where you are at all times, telling you what to wear, or acting hurt that you have plans that don't include them. Some jealousy is normal and human (there's a separate post on jealousy early in dating). Punishing you for having a life isn't.

Dishonesty

Stories that change. The job, the ex, the age, where they were Friday night.
Lies about small things that serve no purpose.
Being in a relationship, or seeing other people, while implying they aren't.
Disappearing for days, then acting like nothing happened.

One awkward omission on a first date isn't a flag. People don't open with their whole history. But if you catch a real lie, ask about it plainly and watch the response. Someone who says "yeah, I shouldn't have said that" is different from someone who gets angry that you noticed.

Disrespect

A common piece of advice is to pay attention to how someone treats people who can't do anything for them: waiters, drivers, their own family, an ex they're complaining about. It's one data point about how they might treat you once the novelty fades, not a guarantee.

The Hotline lists "insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people" and "telling you that you never do anything right" as warning signs. Early on, that can sound like "jokes" at your expense that keep landing on the same sore spot, mocking something you said you cared about, or contempt for your friends and work. You can tell a joke from a put-down by checking how you feel afterward, and whether they stop when you say it stings.

Pressure

This one is about your boundaries, whatever they are.

Pushing for sex after you've said you'd rather wait. Pressuring you to drink, to use drugs, or to drink more. Guilt-tripping you for not replying fast enough. Pushing exclusivity or "I love you" long before you know each other. The Hotline names two of these in its list: pressuring you to have sex or sexual acts you're not comfortable with, and pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

A "no" or "not yet" should be the end of that topic. If you get an argument, a sulk, or a deal ("if you cared, you would"), that's the flag. The same standard applies to you with them, in every direction.

Less serious, still worth noting

Some things don't threaten anyone, but they tell you about fit.

They talk only about themselves, and you can't get a question in.
Their interest swings between intense and silent with no explanation. (Not the same as slow texting; see dry texter or not interested.)
They never take responsibility. Every conflict is someone else's fault, in every story.
They're hostile about all their exes.
You feel anxious, small, or constantly on guard after seeing them, and you can't say why.

That last one matters more than it looks. Your own reaction is data. If you keep ending evenings feeling worse about yourself, that's worth taking seriously even when you can't point to one specific act.

Check yourself too

Red flags aren't a one-way scan. The same list applies to your behavior: checking someone's phone, getting sulky when they see friends, pushing past a hesitation, shading the truth to look better. If you spot a few in yourself, that's useful too. The opposite list is in green flags in a girl, and most of it works for anyone.

What to do next

Write down what happened, not what it meant. "She canceled three times this month without offering another day" is clearer than "she doesn't care." Behaviors are easier to act on.
Ask once, directly, and calmly. "You told me you were at work, but your friend said otherwise. What's going on?" Then listen. Their response tells you more than the original behavior.
Name one boundary in plain words. "I'm not okay with you going through my phone." Then see whether it's respected. A boundary that's argued with every time isn't being respected.
Set a time limit. Decide ahead how many repeats you'll accept, such as "if it happens a third time, I'm out." It stops you from explaining away each one.
Tell a friend. People inside a new relationship are often the last to see a pattern. A friend who knows the details can say "that's the third time you've told me this."
Know when to step away quickly. Threats, intimidation, controlling your money or your contacts, or physical harm are reasons to end things rather than to discuss them. Meet in public places while you sort it out, and keep your own transport. If you're worried about how the other person will react, an advocate (see the next step) can help you plan.
Know where help is. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. For immediate danger, call 911. The Hotline says anyone can be a victim or a perpetrator of domestic violence, so this applies to men and women, and to whoever you're dating.

For safety before you know someone well, there's a companion post on first date safety. If you've been burned and you're wary of starting again, dating burnout covers when to pause.

If you're logging your meetups in Run Game, the note field on a session works for a plain line about how you felt afterward. Over a few weeks you'll see whether one person keeps showing up in the bad notes.