Run Game Practice

How to keep friendships going as an adult

6 min read

Many friendships don't end in a fight. They fade because nobody picked a Saturday. If you want to know how to maintain friendships as an adult, a common approach is to make contact cheap, regular and a little bit automatic.

That matters more now than it did in school, because the scheduling does itself less. Work shifts, moves and partners all shuffle people around. A May 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life, with 2,019 US adults, found that 47 percent had lost touch with at least a few friends in the previous 12 months. It was taken during the pandemic, which may have affected the answer. The same report says 12 percent of Americans had no close friends, against 3 percent in a 1990 Gallup poll. The 1990 poll was done by phone and the 2021 one online, and the report's author notes that the difference in method may account for part of the gap, so treat it as a rough comparison.

Why time together is the thing

Jeffrey Hall, a University of Kansas communication researcher, estimated in a 2018 paper that it takes about 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 to reach "friend," and more than 200 to become a close friend. Those are estimates from two studies: an online survey of 355 adults who had recently moved, and a second study of 112 college freshmen. The time that counted was socializing, like hanging out or joking around. Time spent working together counted for less.

One reasonable reading for keeping friends (an inference, not a finding from Hall's study) is that the hours don't have to come in big blocks. They can come from a weekly game night or a monthly dinner. For getting started, see how to make friends as an adult guy. This post is about holding on to the ones you've got.

Set up a standing plan

A standing plan removes the weekly negotiation. Instead of "we should hang out," it's "first Thursday, 7 pm, the noodle place," and it either happens or it doesn't without a text thread.

Some forms that work:

Pick a rhythm you can actually keep. A monthly plan you hit twelve times beats a weekly one you drop in February.

Make small contact easy

Not every touchpoint needs to be a hang. Short contact keeps a friendship warm between meetups:

One line of research is encouraging. In a set of 13 preregistered experiments with nearly 6,000 participants, Peggy Liu, SoYon Rim, Kate Min and Lauren Min found that people consistently underestimated how much others appreciate being reached out to. People were randomly assigned to reach out or to receive the contact, and the reach-outs ranged from short check-in messages to small gifts. The gap was bigger when the contact was more surprising or when the two people were less close. The studies involved people with positive past interactions, so they say little about reaching out after a falling-out, and they can't tell you how one specific friend feels. They do suggest that the hesitation you feel ("it's been a while, it'll be weird") may be bigger than the recipient's reaction.

Balance the effort without keeping score

Some friendships are lopsided: one person always sends the first message. That isn't always a problem. Some people are just bad at texting, and many are glad when you reach out.

A rule of thumb is to look at the last few months instead of the last week. Roughly half-and-half over time is fine. If you've been the only one starting contact for most of a year, try this:

  1. Ask directly once. "I'd love to see you more, can you do Thursday or Saturday?" A specific date gets a clearer answer than "we should catch up."
  2. Change the format. A text-only friend may prefer a short call. A friend who's always busy may do a walk better than dinner.
  3. Let it settle. If one-sided contact continues, it's reasonable to put less effort in. Some friendships shift into "see you at the yearly party," and that's a normal size for them.

Nobody owes a friendship forever. You choose which ones get your hours.

Restarting after a long gap

You've been out of touch for six months. The delay feels like a debt. It mostly isn't.

A short message works better than an apology paragraph:

"Hey, I know it's been a while. I was thinking about the time we [specific memory]. Want to grab food this week or next?"

Specific beats vague. Offer two options and a place. If they say they're swamped, take it at face value and try again in a month, once.

When life changes

Moves, new jobs and relationships change schedules. Ways to adjust:

If you're working on the wider picture, how to be more social and how to build a friend group cover the rest. And a small host move, like hosting a small hangout, can bring several friendships back at once.

What to do next

  1. List your five most important friends and note when you last saw or spoke with each one. No judgment, just the dates.
  2. Send two messages today. One to someone you spoke to this month and one to someone you haven't in six months. Use a specific memory or question.
  3. Set one standing plan with one friend or a group: same day, same place, every two weeks or monthly. Put the first date in your calendar tonight.
  4. Make a "ten-second" habit. Pick one friend per day to send a photo, meme or reply to. Do it for two weeks.
  5. Review the balance after three months. Who do you always initiate with? Ask once, change the format, then decide how much effort it gets.
  6. Book one thing three months out with a friend: a game, a concert, a trip.
  7. If you feel lonely rather than just busy, see loneliness in your 20s for more steps.

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