Run Game Conversation

Starting a relationship on solid ground

6 min read

Before you make it official, have one honest conversation about what each of you means by "official". It doesn't need a script or a candlelit table. It needs four topics covered in plain words: exclusivity, pace, communication and values. People who skip it often end up with two different relationships in their heads, and the first fight is about that, not about whatever started it.

The first month of dating covers what usually happens in the early weeks. This is about the talk that comes after you've seen each other a handful of times and one of you starts thinking "so, what are we?"

Why the talk helps

Two pieces of research point the same way, with limits on both.

A 2020 study in PNAS by Samantha Joel, Paul Eastwick and colleagues pooled 43 datasets covering more than 11,000 couples. It looked at which self-reported factors best predicted how satisfied people were in an existing relationship. Feeling that your partner is committed was the strongest predictor, followed by appreciation, sexual satisfaction, feeling that your partner is satisfied, and low conflict. The data came from six countries (Canada, the US, Israel, the Netherlands, Switzerland and New Zealand), everyone reported on themselves, and the couples were already together. So it says nothing about how to pick a partner. It does suggest that knowing where you stand with each other matters, and a clear conversation is how you find out.

The second idea is "sliding versus deciding," from the relationship researcher Scott Stanley. His argument, made about moving in together, is that couples who slide into big steps without a clear shared decision can end up with partners they wouldn't have chosen on purpose. He says couples who wait for clear mutual plans tend to report more happiness, and he notes that the extra risk has faded for some groups. It's a research group's reading of its own work and about cohabitation specifically, so treat it as a useful warning about drifting, not a law.

The four topics

Exclusivity

What does it mean to each of you right now? Some people consider exclusivity automatic after a few dates. Others assume it starts only when someone says it out loud. Neither is wrong, but you can't both be right at once.

State your own answer honestly first. Seeing several people while you tell each of them it's just them isn't a misunderstanding, it's deception, and the talking stage is the place to be upfront about it.

Pace

How often do you each want to see each other, and how fast do you want things to deepen? There's more on this in moving fast or slow. For now, one question does most of the work: "Is this the speed you want, or would you like more or less time?"

Communication

Do you want daily texts or a few calls a week? Do you say what's bothering you straight away, or take a day to think? None of these is the right style. The point is knowing the other person's, so a quiet afternoon isn't read as a message. How often to text someone you're dating goes into the rhythm.

Values and life plans

You don't need to cover everything, and it's too soon for marriage talk. Pick the things that would change daily life or are hard to bend on: wanting kids or not, how much of your life is family, religion or politics if they're central to either of you, where you want to live in a couple of years, how you think about money, and how much time you each need alone.

The Gottman Institute, which runs couples research and therapy, publishes question lists for engaged couples built around romance, social life, work and money. They're written for marriage, but the categories work as a menu for earlier conversations too.

When to have it

There's no correct date number. One rule of thumb (not a rule) is somewhere between the third and tenth date, once you've both shown you want to keep seeing each other, and well before either of you feels stuck. Signals that it's time: you're making plans weeks ahead, one of you has stopped dating other people, or you're wondering whether to introduce each other to friends.

Pick a calm moment, not a rushed text between meetings and not right after an argument. Walking or sitting side by side makes it easier than a face-to-face interview. Ask for her view before yours, then give yours without hedging.

Saying no, and hearing it

A good expectation talk includes the possibility of a no. If she wants something slower, faster or different from what you want, that's information, not an attack. If you want something she can't give, ending things kindly is better than hoping she'll change her mind. Pushing, sulking or making her feel guilty for her answer isn't part of the talk, and a no on any topic means you stop asking.

Love Is Respect, an organization that publishes guidance on healthy relationships, lists seven green flags: communication, respect, trust, honesty, equality, boundaries and consent. Those are a decent test for how the conversation itself goes.

You won't agree on everything

The Gottman Institute says about 69% of the conflict in relationships is over "perpetual problems," which come from lasting differences in personality or what each person needs. That figure is from the Institute's own publications, not an independent replication. Its advice is to stay in an open, warm conversation about these differences instead of trying to win them. So the aim of the talk isn't a perfect match on every answer. It's knowing which differences you can live with and which you can't.

What to do next

  1. Write down your answers first. Spend ten minutes on four questions: What do I want from this? Do I want it exclusive? What pace feels right? What's one thing I can't compromise on?
  2. Choose a calm setting such as a walk or a coffee, and open with something low-pressure: "I'm enjoying this and I'd like us to be on the same page."
  3. Ask before you tell. Try "What are you hoping for with us?" and listen to the full answer before responding.
  4. Pick one or two values topics, not ten. Kids and where you'll live are two that are hard to compromise on.
  5. Say your own answer plainly, including the parts that might not match hers.
  6. Agree on a check-in. "Let's talk again in a month and see how we both feel."
  7. If you're ready to ask for a label, how to ask a girl to be your girlfriend has the wording.

Not sure what to ask? First date questions has conversation starters for the early dates. And in Run Game, the forum's Dates topic is a place to ask other people how their own early conversations went.

Choosing a compatible partner is a natural next read.

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