How often to text someone you're dating

As a rule of thumb, text about as often as she does, and a little less if you're unsure. That's the short answer to how often you should text someone you're dating. There's no correct number of messages per day, and anyone who gives you one is guessing. What works is a rhythm that both of you are comfortable with, plus real plans so the chat doesn't have to carry the whole thing.

Match her rhythm

Watch what she actually does for the first week or two. Does she reply within minutes, or in the evening? Does she send one line or five? Does she start conversations, or only answer?

Then stay near it. If she sends two or three messages a day, two or three from you is fine. If she texts once a day and you send ten, the gap is obvious to both of you. It's the same in reverse: if she's chatty and you answer with "lol" six hours later, she'll notice.

A rule of thumb, not data: if you've sent several messages in a row and she hasn't answered any of them, stop. Wait for her reply before you send more. One message can be a mistake. A stack of them looks like pressure.

Matching her doesn't mean copying. You're not mirroring emoji or timing replies on a stopwatch. You're just keeping the balance roughly even, so neither of you feels like the one doing all the work. If you want specifics on tone, how to text a girl without being boring has ideas for what to actually say.

Texting too much early on

Some signs you're doing too much:

• You send a second message before the first has an answer.
• You're texting through her whole workday.
• You're using the chat to say everything you'd normally save for a date.
• You check your phone after every send.
• You feel a small jolt of anxiety when she's slow.

That last one matters most. If a gap in replies ruins your afternoon, the fix isn't a better message. It's more going on in your own day. Plans with friends, the gym, a project, anything that gives you somewhere else to put your attention.

Texting too much early can also burn through topics. If you've covered her family, her job and her favorite shows over text, the first date has less to discover. Keep some material for in person.

Texting too little

Under-texting has its own cost. If she doesn't hear from you for days, then gets "hey" at 11 p.m., it can read as low effort. You don't need daily contact, but you do need enough that she knows you're interested. A short message between dates is plenty: a photo of something that reminded you of her, a question about her week, a "good luck with your interview today."

If you're a naturally dry texter, say so early, with a line like "I'm bad at texting, but I like seeing you." Many people are more forgiving of a style once they know it's a style. If you're on the other end, wondering whether a slow replier is interested, dry texter or not interested walks through how to tell.

Move plans off the chat

Many people use texting for logistics and a bit of warmth, and get to know each other better in person. So any time the chat starts to feel like the main thing, turn it into a plan.

"This is better in person. Are you free Thursday evening?"

"I'll tell you the rest over a coffee. Saturday afternoon?"

That works because it's specific. A vague "we should hang out" can sit unanswered for weeks, while a day and a time gets a yes or a no. If you need lines for the ask itself, how to ask someone out has them. And what to text after getting a number covers the first few messages specifically.

It also saves you from the endless-conversation trap, where two people text for a month and never meet. As a rule of thumb, if you've been messaging for a week or two with no date on the calendar, that's the signal to suggest one.

Good morning texts

Some people love them, and others find them a little much. There's no rule, so here are a few ways to decide.

• Early on: skip the daily routine. A good morning text every day in week one can feel like a relationship you haven't agreed to yet.
• Once you've been out a few times and she sends them too: go ahead. If she starts it and you reply, you've got your answer.
• When they help: a one-off is nice before something that matters to her. "Good luck today" lands better than "gm" on a schedule.

If she answers a good morning text with warmth, keep it. If she answers with a dry "morning," it's fine to scale back and keep your messages for when you have something to say.

When silence is fine

A gap in texting is normal. People have work, exams, family stuff, dead phones and days where they just don't want to look at a screen. Silence during the day, or even a full day, usually isn't a message about you.

A reasonable test, again a rule of thumb: if you've been seeing each other and she's been engaged, don't read a quiet day as a verdict. Send one low-key message if you want to, and then do something else. You can also use the gap as the reason to suggest a plan: "Crazy week? Want to grab food Friday?"

Silence becomes a different story when it turns into a pattern. If it's been several days (a rough guide, not a rule), she's not answering plans, and she isn't making any of her own, treat that as information. Ghosted after a date covers what to do next, and what not to do.

Mismatched texting styles

Plenty of couples text differently. One person sends a stream of thoughts, the other replies at night in full paragraphs. Neither is wrong. It only becomes a problem when one of you starts feeling ignored or smothered.

Raise it early and lightly, in person if you can, and talk about your own side first. Some examples:

"I realized I get a bit in my head when I don't hear back. It's not a big deal, I just wanted to say it. How do you usually feel about texting?"

"I'm not a big texter during the day. It's not about you. I'd rather catch up properly when we see each other."

Both lines state a preference without blaming anyone. Then ask what works for her. You might find a middle: a quick message in the morning, a longer catch-up in the evening, and calls on the weekend. If one of you wants far more contact than the other can give, that's worth knowing early, because it won't fix itself.

Don't test her by going quiet to see if she'll reach out. It teaches both of you nothing and it feels bad. Just ask.

What to do next

1. Notice her pattern for the first week or two. How often she texts, when, and how long her messages are. Stay near the middle of it. A mental note is enough.
2. Add a rule for yourself. If she hasn't replied, no second message until she does, unless it's about logistics for that day.
3. Turn any long chat into a plan. After about ten messages on one topic, say "This is better in person" and name a day.
4. Put something else in your day. Choose one thing in the evening, like the gym or a call with a friend, that keeps you off your phone until it's done.
5. If your styles differ, bring it up once. Use one of the lines above, say your side first, and ask what works for her.
6. Check where you are. If you've been texting for two weeks with no date, suggest one this week. The first month of dating guide covers what comes after.

The forum in Run Game has a Texting topic if you want to ask other people how they handle a specific message.