Run Game Conversation

Choosing a partner you're compatible with

6 min read

"Am I compatible with her?" is easier to answer if you split it in two. Some things are about daily life and long-term plans, and you can check them with questions. Others only show up over time, like how each of you handles a bad week or a disagreement. A good compatibility check covers both, and treats the second kind as something you watch for, not something you can settle on a first date.

Green flags in a girl lists the positive signs. This is the other half: what to compare, what can bend, and what the research does and doesn't say.

Start with values, not hobbies

Shared interests make dates easier. They're also the part of compatibility that changes most. Someone who loves hiking can learn to like board games. It's harder to change what a person wants from the next ten years. A values-first check looks at these:

That last item is the one people skip, because it's hard to learn on date three. You can ask, though: "When you and a friend or family member disagree, what usually happens?" The answer tells you more than "do you like hiking." Needing space first versus wanting to talk right away is the sort of difference attachment styles put words to.

What's negotiable and what isn't

A common rule of thumb: preferences can flex, needs and core values usually can't. If you'd like to see a movie each weekend and she'd like to see a band, that's a preference. If you want children and she's sure she doesn't, no amount of compromise splits that evenly.

A simple way to sort your own list is three columns:

Must have Would like Doesn't matter
Things you won't give up Nice if they match Things you can happily vary

Try to keep the first column short, around three to five items. A long list of must-haves makes everyone fail, including you.

Opposites attract, or similar works better?

Both ideas have research behind them, and the honest summary is that the evidence is more nuanced than either slogan. All of the following is about groups and averages, not any one couple.

Similarity and attraction. A 2008 meta-analysis by Montoya, Horton and Kirchner combined 313 studies and 460 effect sizes. It found that both actual similarity and perceived similarity (how alike you think you are) were strongly linked to attraction. The correlations were about .47 and .39. Actual similarity mattered when people had no contact or a short meeting, but not in existing relationships. Perceived similarity predicted attraction at every stage. Most of those studies measured liking, not long-term happiness.

Do opposites attract? In 2005, Luo and Klohnen studied 291 newlywed couples from the Iowa Marital Assessment Project. The couples were highly similar in attitudes and values, and showed little above-chance similarity in personality traits. The authors state, in a summary of the paper, "There is no evidence that opposites attract." They also found that personality similarity went with marital satisfaction while attitude similarity did not. That's one sample, of people who had already married.

What predicts satisfaction. A 2020 PNAS study by Samantha Joel, Paul Eastwick and colleagues pooled 43 datasets covering more than 11,000 couples. Individual traits such as personality explained little compared with relationship factors like feeling the partner is committed, appreciation and low conflict. The couples came from six countries and everyone reported on themselves. One commentary on the study argues that how a particular partner's personality feels to you matters more than matching on paper.

So nothing here says "find someone just like you," and nothing says "find your opposite." It does suggest that how the two of you treat each other counts for a lot, and that matching on every item isn't required. Matching on a personality type, the way personality types in dating describes it, is one more item you don't need to tick.

Expect some differences to stay

The Gottman Institute, a couples research and therapy practice, says about 69% of relationship conflict is over "perpetual problems," tied to lasting differences in personality or needs. The figure comes from the Institute's own publications. Its guidance is that happy couples keep talking about these differences with warmth and humor instead of trying to settle them. Applied to compatibility: the question isn't "will we ever disagree about this?" but "can we talk about it without it turning into contempt or silence?"

Signs you're compatible, and signs you're not sure yet

Red flags in someone you're dating covers the signs that something is wrong, which is different from a plain mismatch.

What to do next

  1. Write your must-have list. Three to five items, from the five areas above. Cross out anything that's really a preference.
  2. Ask two values questions in the first few dates. Try "Do you see yourself wanting kids someday?" and "What does a perfect weekend look like?" Take first date questions for more.
  3. Ask about a past disagreement. "What's something you and a friend disagreed on, and how did it end?"
  4. Notice how she handles small things like a late table or a changed plan, and how you do.
  5. Name one difference after a month, and talk about it. See whether you can both treat it as something to work out.
  6. If a must-have clearly doesn't match, say so kindly and stop spending time hoping it will change. A no or a mismatch is allowed to end things.

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