How to be a good friend: habits that keep friends

Being a good friend mostly comes down to a few repeatable habits: show up when you said you would, listen more than you talk, check in without needing a reason, be honest and kind when something's wrong, and make plans instead of waiting for them. None of it is complicated. The hard part is doing it regularly when life is busy.

Most of this is advice drawn from common sense and what researchers have found about close relationships, and the research has limits, which are below.

What research says about close relationships

• Quality of close ties. The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 with 268 Harvard sophomores (all men). 456 inner-city Boston residents joined in the 1970s through a related study, and the men's children were added later. As reported by the Harvard Gazette in 2017, people who were most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at 80, and close relationships predicted long, happy lives better than social class, IQ or genes in that data. The article adds that octogenarian couples who argued often saw no memory decline as long as they felt they could rely on each other in hard times. The limits: the groups were specific (Harvard men and Boston residents), the data is observational, so it shows association and not cause, and only 19 original participants were still alive in 2017.
• Support differs by person. The Survey Center on American Life's May 2021 survey (2,019 US adults) found that in the past week 30% of men and 48% of women had shared personal feelings with a friend, and 21% of men and 41% of women had received emotional support from one. Those are group averages, and they say nothing about you or any one friend. Some men are open with friends and some women aren't.
• Friendship takes time. In Jeffrey Hall's 2018 studies at the University of Kansas (355 recently moved adults, 112 freshmen), people's own estimates put the path to a friend at roughly 80 to 100 hours together, and to a close friend at 200 or more. Time spent socializing counted, and time spent working together counted much less. These are self-reported estimates from small samples.

The habits

Show up

When you say yes, be there. When you're running late, send a message. Reliability is the quiet basis of most friendships, and it's the habit people notice when it's missing. Pick plans you can keep and cancel rarely. If something does come up, say so early and propose another time, not a vague "rain check." If you're on the other side, flakes and late arrivals covers what to do.

Listen first

You don't have to fix anything. A common approach:

• Ask one follow-up question before you share your own story.
• Put your phone away when someone's telling you something that matters.
• Repeat back what you heard: "That sounds like a rough week with your boss."
• Ask what they want: "Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?"

How to be a better listener goes deeper.

Check in small

Long conversations are hard to schedule. Short ones are easy.

• Send a meme or a link that reminded you of them.
• Message about something they mentioned: "How did the interview go?"
• Mark big dates in your calendar: a move, a surgery, a deadline, a birthday.

You don't have to wait for an occasion. A 2022 set of studies by Liu, Rim, Min and Min in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (nearly 6,000 participants, as described by the University of Kansas) found that people underestimate how much others appreciate being contacted. The reach-outs were limited to people with a history of positive interactions, and this relies on news descriptions, not the full paper.

Make plans

Someone has to start them. Take turns, and make them specific: a day, a place, a thing to do. Standing plans (a Thursday run, a monthly dinner) save you from re-negotiating every time. The wording in how to invite someone to hang out as a friend fits here, and keeping friendships going has ways to maintain the habit when life gets busy.

Celebrate their wins

When something good happens to a friend, respond with real interest: ask questions and let them enjoy it. It's easy to say "nice" and move on. It's also easy to change the subject to yourself.

Be honest, and kind about it

Friends can say hard things. A few ground rules, offered as advice:

• Say it privately, not in front of a group.
• Describe what you saw, not what you think they are: "You've cancelled the last three times and I miss you" beats "you're flaky."
• Ask before giving feedback: "Can I tell you what I noticed?"
• Mean it as help.

Handle conflict

Disagreements happen in good friendships. The Gazette piece says couples who argued often saw no memory decline if they could count on each other. That's about couples and memory, though, not a rule for friends. Some steps that tend to help:

1. Cool off first if you're angry. A message sent at your worst is hard to take back.
2. Raise it soon, and in person or on a call if you can. Text strips out tone.
3. Say what happened and how it affected you. Then ask for their side.
4. Apologize for your part plainly, with no "but." How to apologize over text covers it if that's your only option.
5. Let it go once it's settled.

Respect their other relationships

Don't gossip about their partner or other friends, don't make them pick sides, and keep what they told you private unless they say otherwise.

If you've drifted

Send a short note: "Been thinking of you. Want to get a coffee soon?" The research above on reaching out suggests it's received better than you'd expect, with the caveat that it covered positive past interactions. If it ended badly, a short apology comes first.

What not to do

• Don't keep score of who texted last. Take turns without counting.
• Don't only reach out when you need something.
• Don't turn every conversation into advice.
• Don't confuse being a good friend with being available at all hours. Boundaries are part of a long friendship.

If a friend seems to be in real trouble, such as talking about hurting themselves, don't try to handle it alone. In the US, the NIMH says to call or text 988 for thoughts of suicide.

What to do next

1. Pick three friends and write their names down.
2. Message each one with something specific this week, like a question about something they told you.
3. Make one plan with a day and time, and put it in your calendar.
4. Set a rule for lateness: tell them as soon as you know.
5. In your next conversation, ask two follow-up questions before sharing your own story.
6. Put one friend's big date in your calendar and message on the day.

More on making and keeping friends is in how to make friends as an adult guy and how to make friends at work.

Sources

• Harvard Gazette: Good genes are nice, but joy is better (April 2017) (opened and read; journalism about the Harvard Study of Adult Development, not the papers)
• Survey Center on American Life: The State of American Friendship, May 2021 (2,019 US adults; self-defined "close friend"; fielded during the pandemic)
• NIMH: Suicide prevention (for the 988 line)
• University of Kansas: Study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend (Hall, 2018)
• University of Kansas School of Business: People underestimate the surprising impact of reaching out (Liu, Rim, Min and Min, 2022; release only)