Run Game Practice

How to make friends at work

5 min read

You make friends at work by being around the same people often and adding a little time that isn't about the job: lunch, a coffee run, a short walk, one after-work event a month. Work gives you the repeated contact most friendships need. What it doesn't give you is social time, so you have to add some on purpose, in small, easy-to-decline pieces.

Why work is a good place to start

Friendships need hours together, and a job supplies them for free. In a 2018 paper in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas reported estimates, summarized in the university's news release, of roughly 40 to 60 hours together to become casual friends and 80 to 100 to become friends. There's a catch. Hours spent working together counted for less than hours spent hanging out. His samples were 355 adults who had recently moved and 112 college freshmen, so the numbers are a rough guide, not a law.

Your coworkers may already be a weak tie, meaning someone you know a little. A 2014 paper by Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn, in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that students reported more happiness and belonging on days they talked with more classmates than usual, and follow-up studies covering all daily interactions again linked weak ties to social and emotional well-being. The studies were correlational, so they don't show that the chat caused the good mood. Still, a five-minute chat at the kettle isn't wasted.

Having a friend at work also shows up in workplace research. A Gallup column from 1999 reported that employees who said they had a best friend at work were more likely to report things like recent praise (43 percent more likely) and someone encouraging their development (37 percent more likely). It was a correlation in an old column with no methods listed, and Gallup noted that the word "best" put some people off. It's context, not proof that a work friend will fix your job.

Start with the small stuff

You don't need a big gesture. Aim for repeat, low-stakes contact.

Lunch and coffee

Lunch is the strongest tool because it's already in the day. If people eat together, sit with them without making a point of it. If everyone eats at their desks, ask one person: "I'm getting coffee, want one?" or "Want to grab lunch Thursday?" A specific day makes it easy to say yes or no.

If the answer is no, the answer is no. Ask someone else another week, and don't take it as a verdict.

Small favors

Asking for a small favor can start a friendship, and so can doing one. "Could you show me how you set up that report?" gives the other person a chance to help. Sharing a tip, covering ten minutes for someone, or passing along an article they'd like does the same. Keep it light and roughly even over time.

After-work events

Team drinks, a birthday lunch, a company five-a-side game: go to some of them, not all. Showing up for the first 45 minutes counts. A rule of thumb is to go to one a month and have one real conversation while you're there. You don't have to drink to be there; ordering a soda or water is common and nobody has to know why.

If you're new, the longer guide on meeting people at a new job or internship goes through the first two weeks.

Gossip and boundaries

Friendly isn't the same as pulled in. A few lines that keep you out of trouble without making you stiff:

Making friends at work isn't the same as flirting. If you're interested in a coworker romantically, that's a separate question with its own risks; read ask a coworker out and dating a coworker: policies first. Policies and power differences matter, and a no from a coworker ends the question.

When it doesn't click

Some offices are quiet, remote or full of people with very different lives. That doesn't mean you did something wrong. Try other teams, a lunch group or an employee interest group. Or put your energy into a hobby group outside work and let the job be just a job. How to make friends as a guy has other places to look.

What to do next

  1. Pick two coworkers you already talk to a little. Write their names down.
  2. This week, ask one of them about something specific from last week. One question is enough.
  3. Next week, invite one of them to lunch or coffee on a named day: "Thursday at 12:30?"
  4. Learn one detail about each person on your list and bring it up the next time you talk.
  5. Say yes to one after-work event this month, stay 45 minutes, and talk to at least one person you don't know well.
  6. Do one small favor for someone, such as sending a link or a tip.
  7. If a conversation turns to gossip, practice one line to change the subject. Say it out loud once so it sounds natural.

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