Run Game Conversation

How much interest to show early in dating

6 min read

A workable answer: be clear about your interest, don't chase, and move at roughly the pace she sets. That means saying you enjoyed the date, asking for the next one directly, and then letting her answer decide what happens next. There's no research-backed number for "how interested," and anyone who gives you one is guessing. But there are two schools of advice and some real studies, and they're worth laying out side by side.

The two views

Hold back. The best-known version is the book The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, published in 1995 and written for women. Its 35 rules include not calling him, rarely returning his calls and being "easy to be with but hard to get," as described on Wikipedia. The premise is that interest should be earned, and that appearing less available makes someone more appealing.

Be open. Other advice says to be plain about what you want. Mark Manson's book Models presents its approach as honesty and self-development instead of tactics (more in Mark Manson's Models). The reasoning behind advice like this is that games cost time and make it harder for either person to know where things stand.

Each has costs. Holding back can be misread as lack of interest, and the other person may move on. Being fully open can feel exposing, and if the other person isn't equally keen, you find out sooner and may feel it more. Neither is a guaranteed win.

What the studies actually found

Selective interest. Paul Eastwick, Eli Finkel and colleagues (Psychological Science, 2007) ran seven speed-dating sessions with 156 undergraduates, each having four-minute dates with 9 to 13 people. People who felt romantic desire toward most of their dates were usually turned down, while desire for one person above the others was more likely to be returned. The sample was undergraduates on four-minute dates, all opposite-sex pairings. One reading is that this is about being specific about the person in front of you. Being interested in her isn't the same as being interested in everyone.

Uncertainty. In a study by Timothy Wilson, Daniel Gilbert and Erin Whitchurch (2011), women at the University of Virginia looked at the Facebook profiles of four men after being told the men liked them a lot, liked them a little, or that it wasn't known. The women were most attracted to the men whose feelings were unknown. They thought about those men more. The authors suggest it may be a new version of playing hard to get, and that mystery may help at the start of online dating, where there's little information about the other person. Only women took part, the coverage doesn't give the sample size, and it was one study in a simulated setting.

Hard to get. Gurit Birnbaum, Harry Reis and colleagues (2020) ran three studies in which participants believed they were interacting with another participant, but were actually dealing with a member of the research team. People who met a more selective profile rated that person as more valuable and desirable, and they made more effort to see the hard-to-get person again. Reis warned that it can backfire if it comes across as disinterest or arrogance, and that it doesn't work for everyone all the time. Birnbaum's suggestion was to show some initial interest so the other person doesn't feel rejected, while not revealing everything at once. The coverage doesn't give participant numbers, and these were brief online interactions.

Put together, the studies point away from both extremes. What the research supports is selectivity, not coldness, and little of it concerns real dating over weeks. They don't say "never text first" or "always say everything."

There's one more piece. Boothby and colleagues (2018) found, across five studies, that people consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them. And Jeffrey Hall's 2014 study of 52 pairs of college students found that most people missed flirting that was actually happening. If it's hard to tell how interested she is, the risk of reading silence as rejection runs both ways.

A practical middle

None of this is a formula. These are habits that avoid both games and over-investing.

Be clear

Say what you feel in one plain sentence. After a first date: "I had a really good time. I'd like to see you again." Before it: "I'd like to take you for coffee this week. Are you free Thursday?" Clear isn't intense. It's one honest line, not three paragraphs.

Don't chase

If you ask and hear "maybe" or get a slow reply, one follow-up a few days later is fair. If there's still nothing, take that as an answer and move on. Consent and respect work the same way here: a no, or a lack of reply to a clear question, is a response. Double texting covers the follow-up in detail.

Match her pace

If she texts once a day and you send ten messages, you've set a different speed. Copy her rhythm and her level of detail, then adjust as it becomes clear what works. How often to text someone you're dating goes through this.

Ask directly

"Where do you see this going?" is a heavy question on date one, but "Do you want to do something this weekend?" isn't. Asking is faster than interpreting. See how to ask someone out for lines.

Keep your own life going

Keep your friends, plans and interests running. This isn't a way to look busy. It means one reply doesn't decide your evening, and stop needing approval covers that in more depth.

Don't fake it either way

Pretending to be less interested than you are is a game. So is pretending to be more. If you're unsure how you feel, say "I'm enjoying getting to know you." It's honest and doesn't overcommit.

What to do next

  1. After your next date, send one clear message within a day: what you enjoyed and that you'd like to meet again.
  2. Track her typical reply time for a week. Aim to reply at about that pace, without counting minutes.
  3. If she's slow to reply, send one follow-up after three to four days. After that, stop.
  4. Ask for the next plan directly, with a day, a time and a place, in one message.
  5. Write down once a week how interested you actually feel, from 1 to 5, and compare it with how you acted.

If you use Run Game, the outcome funnel in Stats (got number, texted, date set, went on a date, dating) shows where your own conversations tend to stall, which gives you something concrete to look at. For signals from her side, see signs of interest.

A good follow-up is moving fast or slow.

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