Run Game Conversation

Hookups: honest expectations and staying safe

6 min read

A hookup, meaning an uncommitted sexual encounter between adults, works best when four things are settled: both people know what it is, both clearly want it, both are sober enough to decide, and both have thought about protection. Many people find that none of that kills the mood, and that it makes the night easier to feel good about afterward.

This post doesn't argue for or against casual sex. Some people want it, some want only committed relationships, and many change their mind over time. It covers how to do it honestly and safely if it's what you both want. Everyone in it is an adult, 18 or older.

What the research says about hookup culture

Garcia, Reiber, Massey and Merriwether reviewed the literature in 2012 (Review of General Psychology). Their abstract describes hookups as uncommitted sexual encounters that can include a wide range of behaviors and that often happen without any promise of, or desire for, a traditional romantic relationship. They report that these encounters appear increasingly normative among young adults in North America. They argue that hookup culture is best understood as a mix of evolutionary and social forces. Limits: it's a review of a literature that mostly studies college and young-adult samples in North America, so it says little about older people or other countries. It describes patterns in groups. It can't tell you what the person you're meeting wants. That's why the next section matters.

Honest expectations

Honesty about intentions is the part you control. A few specifics:

In a study of friends-with-benefits arrangements, Machia, Proulx, Ioerger and Lehmiller (2020) surveyed 192 people twice, a year apart. The people who had talked more about ground rules at the start were more likely to still have some relationship afterward. The sample was mostly female-identified, white and heterosexual, and had known each other for about three years on average, so it isn't about strangers. It shows an association from self-reports, not cause.

Planned Parenthood describes consent as a choice made "without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol." It says anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime, and that agreeing to one activity doesn't mean agreeing to others. Silence is not consent.

In practice:

Alcohol

Planned Parenthood states plainly that people who are drunk, high or passed out can't consent to sex. That's the standard to apply: if she's visibly drunk, or you can't tell how drunk she is, the answer is not tonight. The same goes for you. If you're very drunk, your judgment about consent, protection and what you're agreeing to is worse, and so are your odds of noticing a no.

Practical rules of thumb, not research findings:

Protection and testing

This is general information, not medical advice. For specific questions, see a doctor or clinic.

The CDC says that STIs often have no symptoms, so you may not know you have one. It says that everyone aged 13 to 64 should be tested at least once for HIV, that all sexually active women younger than 25 should be tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year, and that sexually active gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men should be tested at least once a year for syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea, and more often (for example every 3 to 6 months) if they have multiple or anonymous partners. Most sexually active adults should be tested for syphilis based on where they live, and the CDC says testing needs can depend on several factors, including your sexual history. On condoms, CDC states that correct use can prevent STDs and pregnancy, that consistent use is highly effective in preventing the spread of HIV, and that "correct use of condoms reduces the risk of disease but does not eliminate it." It advises a new condom for every act, and stopping immediately if one breaks.

What that means in practice:

STIs, testing and safe sex goes into more depth on the CDC's guidance.

Meeting safely

Meeting someone new for a hookup carries the same risks as any first meeting, and often more, since the plan is to be somewhere private. Common-sense steps:

First date safety and meeting someone from online safely have longer checklists.

If something goes wrong

If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault, in the US RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline is 800-656-4673, free and confidential. If you're concerned about a possible STI or pregnancy, a doctor or clinic can advise on timing and options.

What to do next

  1. Write down what you're after in one sentence, and say it to her before the night.
  2. Ask what she wants, and treat her answer as final.
  3. Decide your drinking limit before you leave home.
  4. Bring condoms and say so early.
  5. Look up a testing clinic near you and note when you were last tested.
  6. Tell a friend your plan, including where you'll be.
  7. Message the next day, whatever you want next, using the lines in the post linked above.

Sources