Drinking and dating: how alcohol changes your nights out

Many first dates and nights out involve alcohol somewhere, so the question isn't really "to drink or not." It's how much, how fast, and what you're using it for. A reasonable rule of thumb: drink less than you think you can handle, slower than the other person, and decide the number before you walk in. (In the US you need to be 21. Everything below assumes you are.)

What alcohol is doing on a date

People drink on dates for a reason. It can take the edge off nerves, make a quiet bar feel more relaxed, and give you something to do with your hands. Those are real upsides, and plenty of people have one glass of wine and enjoy the evening more.

The costs tend to show up as the number goes up. Your read on the other person can get less reliable, because you're judging their interest and your own with a head that's working worse. Some people repeat themselves or say things they wouldn't sober. It gets harder to tell whether someone is laughing with you or politely waiting for a gap. And memory of the night can get patchy.

People differ a lot in how alcohol hits them, and tolerance, food, weight and sleep all change it. That's why a number set in advance beats judging it on the night.

What counts as a drink

A bar pour and a "drink" in a health guideline aren't the same thing. The US National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) defines a standard drink as about 14 grams of pure alcohol. Examples it lists:

12 fl oz of regular beer at about 5% alcohol
5 fl oz of table wine at about 12%
1.5 fl oz of distilled spirits (a shot) at about 40%
8 to 10 fl oz of malt liquor or hard seltzer at about 7%

NIAAA also notes that those amounts may not match customary serving sizes, and that a 12 fl oz beer at 10% counts as two. A big restaurant pour of wine or a strong craft IPA can be more than one drink. So "I had two" can mean three or four. Count by the glass's real size and strength when you can.

Where the health guidelines sit

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines moderate drinking as two drinks or less in a day for men and one or less for women. It defines binge drinking as four or more drinks for women, or five or more for men, during an occasion. Those are health definitions based on sex, not dating advice, and they describe averages. If you're lighter, tired, medicated or haven't eaten, fewer drinks can hit harder.

The CDC also lists injuries and violence, including sexual violence and intimate partner violence, among the short-term risks of excessive drinking. That's one reason to keep your numbers low on a night with someone you don't know yet.

Both people need a clear head for consent to mean anything. If either of you is too drunk to think straight, wait for another day. A no, or a hesitation, means stop.

How to pace yourself

None of this needs to be dramatic.

Pick your limit before you leave. One or two. Make it a number, not a feeling.
Eat first. Dinner before the bar beats a drink on an empty stomach.
Alternate with water. One drink, one glass of water. It slows the pace and is easy to do without comment.
Order second. Ask what she's having, and then match her pace rather than your own.
Sip slowly. A drink you're still holding an hour in is a perfectly good prop.
Plan your way home before you start. Your own ride, or a ride-share you've already checked the price of.
Keep an eye on your glass and don't leave it with strangers. This applies to everyone at a bar.

If your date is drinking more than you

Don't match them to keep up, and don't push them to keep drinking. If someone's clearly past a comfortable point, ending the date kindly is a common choice: "Let's get you some water and a ride, and do this again this week."

The National Domestic Violence Hotline's list of abuse warning signs includes pressuring someone to use drugs or alcohol, so offering another round isn't neutral if it's pushed. A simple "Want another?" with an easy "no, I'm good" is fine. There's more on that in should you buy her a drink at a bar.

Not drinking, or drinking less

Plenty of people skip alcohol, for health, religion, medication, a recovery, or just preference. You don't owe a reason. "I'm good with this" or a soda with lime tends to be the end of the conversation. The longer version is in how to meet people at a bar when you don't drink.

Sober-friendly first dates work well too. Coffee, a walk, a food market, mini golf, a bookstore. You can say "I'm more of a coffee person" without turning it into a statement. Ideas are in first date ideas that make a second date more likely. If nerves are the reason you reach for a drink, first date nerves has other ways to calm down.

What to do next

Decide your number tonight. For your next night out or date, write one number in your phone's notes, such as "two max," before you leave.
Check your real serving size. Look at the drink you're ordering. If it's a big pour or a high-strength beer, count it as more than one.
Order water with your first drink. Make it automatic, one glass of water beside every alcoholic one.
Set your ride home. Decide it before the first drink: the app is open, the route is checked, or a friend is the designated driver.
Try one drink-free date. Pick coffee or a walk once this month and notice how well you remember it and read the other person.
Have a line ready for turning one down. "I'm all set, thanks. What are you having?" Say it once, lightly, and move on.
Skip the moment if either of you is past tipsy. Say a friendly goodnight, make sure they get home safe, and text the next day.

If you're worried about your own drinking, the SAMHSA National Helpline (US) is free, confidential and open 24/7 at 1-800-662-4357.

If you track your nights out in Run Game, the notes on a session are a fine place to write how many drinks you had and how the night went. After a few sessions you'll see what your good nights have in common.