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Your ex on social media: follow, mute or unfollow

5 min read

If seeing your ex online keeps hurting, muting or unfollowing them is a reasonable step, and one survey of 464 people found that checking an ex's profile went along with more distress and less personal growth. If seeing them doesn't bother you, you don't have to do anything. The choice is yours, and it can change over time.

What the research found, and what it can't tell you

Tara Marshall, of Brunel University, published a study in 2012 in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking called "Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with post-breakup recovery and personal growth." Its 464 participants answered an online survey about a distressing breakup, their Facebook behavior and how they were doing. This page draws on the full text of the paper from the Brunel repository.

What it reported:

Limits worth stating plainly:

The practical takeaway is modest: if you notice yourself checking, and you feel worse afterward, that's a signal worth acting on.

Your options

Most apps give you some version of these. Menus differ, so check your own app's settings. If you're considering a full break from contact, the no-contact rule covers that.

Option What it does Might suit you if
Keep following Nothing changes Seeing their posts doesn't affect you, or you're on good terms
Mute You stop seeing their posts, and they don't get told You want quiet without a statement, or you share friends or work
Unfollow or unfriend You stop seeing them, they can usually see that you did You want a clear line and don't mind it being visible
Block They can't find or see you either There's been harassment, constant contact, or you can't trust yourself not to look

Mute

Muting is the lowest-drama move. Nobody has to have a conversation, and you can reverse it. The downside is that their profile is still one tap away. If you catch yourself opening it on purpose, muting alone may not be enough.

Unfollow or unfriend

It's a clean break, and it's easy to explain. It can also look like a message, and some people feel pressure to do it quickly. There's no deadline. Many people mute first and unfollow later, or never.

Block

Blocking is a fair choice when contact feels unsafe or you can't stop checking. It's not a punishment you have to justify. If an ex is harassing or threatening you, take screenshots and use the platform's reporting tools, and in the US the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help.

Mutual friends, group photos and tags

Your ex will keep turning up through other people. A few things that help:

What to say if someone asks

You don't owe an explanation for who you follow. If your ex, a friend or a new date asks, a short, calm answer works:

Posting to make an ex jealous, or checking if they're checking you, is the part that tends to keep things going. If you recognize that pattern, should you text your ex goes through the reasons for and against reaching out.

A note on new relationships

Your new partner may or may not care that you still follow an ex. If it comes up, you can answer the same way you'd answer any question about the past: briefly and truthfully. Hiding or deleting things to avoid a conversation tends to cause more trouble than a calm "yes, we're still connected, and here's why." More on how that works in staying friends with an ex.

What to do next

  1. Notice for one week how you feel after checking your ex's profile. If it's worse, mute them.
  2. Pick one option from the table and set it up today. You can undo it.
  3. Adjust privacy settings so tags and shared posts need your approval.
  4. Write one sentence you'd say if someone asked why you muted or unfollowed. Keep it blame-free.
  5. If it's more than sadness (low for weeks, can't sleep, thoughts of self-harm), talk to a doctor or counselor. In the US, the 988 Lifeline is free and open 24/7 by call or text. For the early weeks, see getting over a breakup as a guy.

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