Run Game Practice

How to stop comparing yourself to other guys

6 min read

You probably can't stop noticing other guys, because social comparison is a default habit of how people judge themselves. What you can change is which comparisons you feed and which yardstick you use. A common approach is to pick one measure that belongs to you, compare it to your own past, and cut back the feeds that serve up strangers' best moments.

This post covers what the research says about comparison, why dating makes it sharper, and a weekly routine that takes about ten minutes.

Why you do it

In 1954 the psychologist Leon Festinger published "A theory of social comparison processes" in Human Relations. His argument was that people have a drive to evaluate their abilities and opinions, and that when there's no objective yardstick, they use other people. Dating has almost no objective yardstick. There's no score, no ranking, no finish line. So you grab the nearest one: the guy at the bar who laughs easily, the friend with three dates a month, the stranger on your feed with a better jawline and a better apartment.

A 2018 meta-analysis of comparison studies by Gerber, Wheeler and Suls in Psychological Bulletin found two things worth knowing. When people could choose, and nothing was threatening them, they strongly preferred to compare upward, with someone doing better. And the typical effect of a comparison, up or down, was contrast: people's own self-ratings moved away from the person they were looking at. So looking at someone better tended to make people rate themselves lower. The authors also note that few of the included studies had a no-comparison control group, which limits what the pattern can show.

Put those together and the loop is easy to see. You pick the person who's ahead, and looking at them tends to make you feel behind.

Why dating sharpens it

A common observation, offered as advice and not as a finding, is that three things make comparison sharper in dating.

What a break from feeds does (and doesn't) show

There's some experimental evidence that stepping back helps how people feel, with limits. In a 2020 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, Brown and Kuss had 61 participants go seven days without social media. Mental wellbeing and social connectedness rose, and fear of missing out fell. The study had no separate control group (everyone served as their own comparison), the sample was small, and the authors also report that experiences of connectivity without social media were mixed. It says nothing about dating in particular. It does fit a simple idea: the less you scroll through other people's lives, the fewer comparisons you're forced into.

It's also worth saying that comparison isn't always harmful. In four experiments by Breines and Chen (Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2012), people who were asked to treat a personal failure with self-compassion were more likely to prefer comparing themselves to people doing better and reported more motivation to change a weakness. Looking at someone ahead of you can be a source of ideas if you're not using it to punish yourself. The question isn't "never compare." It's whether the comparison gives you a next step or just a bad mood.

A method: one measure that's yours

Here's a routine to try. It's advice, not a proven fix.

1. Pick one measure you control

Choose something that depends on your actions, not on other people's responses. Good ones:

Bad ones: dates per month, number of matches, how someone replies, or anything that includes the words "as many as him."

2. Compare to last month, not to him

Write down this month's number next to last month's. That's the only comparison you're allowed to make out loud. If the number went up, good. If it went down, ask what got in the way. Both answers are information, not a verdict.

3. Do a weekly check-in (10 minutes)

Same day, same time. Answer three questions in writing:

  1. What was my number this week?
  2. Which comparison pulled at me most, and who or what triggered it?
  3. What's one small thing I'll do differently next week?

Question 2 matters. Once you've named the trigger a few times, you'll see that the same two or three sources are behind most of it. A particular account. A particular friend. A particular group chat.

4. Trim the source, not yourself

If one feed reliably leaves you flat, mute it for a week and see what changes. You don't have to quit anything. A seven-day trial of muting a source is cheap.

5. Use the person ahead of you as a menu, not a mirror

If a guy is better than you at something specific, say, starting conversations, pull out the one behavior. "He asks a question before he gives an opinion." Write it down and try it once this week. That's comparison doing its useful job. If all you take from him is "he's better than me," drop it.

A note on weekly boards

Any app that shows other people's numbers invites comparison, and that includes the "This week" board on Run Game's Friends tab, which ranks you and your friends by approaches over the last 7 days. If seeing a friend's count motivates you, keep it. If it makes you feel behind, you can look at your own Stats instead, which show your totals, streaks and success rate against your own history. Neither reaction is wrong. Pay attention to which one you have.

What to do next

  1. Write down one measure you control and its number for last month. Do it today.
  2. Set a weekly 10-minute check-in on your calendar and answer the three questions above.
  3. Pick the one feed, account or group chat that triggers you most and mute it for seven days.
  4. Next time you notice a comparison, take one concrete behavior from the other guy and try it once that week.
  5. After four weeks, line up your four numbers. The trend line is the only comparison that counts.

Logging in Run Game gives you that trend automatically: each approach goes in as Success or Rejected with an optional note, and Stats shows your totals and streaks over time. For more on setting targets you control, see dating goals you control, and for the related habit of looking to others for reassurance, how to stop needing approval. If the comparing turns into a general feeling of fatigue, dating burnout covers what to do. Track your approaches shows what to write down, and building real confidence goes into the longer game.

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