Run Game Conversation

How to join a conversation that's already happening

6 min read

To join a conversation that's already going, stand near the group at an angle where you can hear, listen for 20 to 30 seconds, wait for a pause or a laugh, then add one short comment that connects to what they're saying. If the group opens a space or looks at you, step in. If nobody shifts and the talk stays tight, say a brief "good to see you all" and move on. It isn't a verdict on you.

This post is about getting in. Once you're in, group conversation skills covers getting a turn and holding your own.

Read the circle first

Researchers who study how people arrange themselves in conversations use the term F-formation, a concept that identifies a conversational group from the position and orientation of its members. The abstract of a paper by Setti, Russell, Bassetti and Cristani (2014) describes it as a way to encode a group when all you know is the position and orientation of people. That paper is about detecting groups in images by computer, so it describes the concept and isn't a study of how newcomers get accepted. The everyday lesson is still handy: bodies tell you how open a group is.

Signs a group is open:

Signs a group is closed:

Neither list is a rule. A tight pair might love company, and a loose group might not. They're odds, and you'll sometimes misread them. If you do, the cost is a few seconds of awkwardness.

Four steps

1. Stand at the edge and listen

Hover about an arm's length or two outside the circle, angled in. You're not hiding, just getting the topic. Who is talking, what's the subject, and is it something you can add to?

2. Make yourself seen without interrupting

Eye contact with whoever is talking or listening, a small nod, a smile at the joke. Often someone will notice and shift to make room, or say "hey." Letting them invite you with a glance is far smoother than pushing in.

3. Add one short, connected comment

Wait for a natural pause, a laugh, or the end of a thought. Then say something that connects to what's being discussed.

A question about their topic is often the easiest first line, because it invites them to answer. Avoid a joke from another topic, a correction, or a long story. For more openers, how to make small talk has a few that work for strangers.

4. Introduce yourself once there's room

After a minute or two, once the group has acknowledged you: "I'm Sam, by the way." Then say the names back as people give them. Names matter in a group, and remembering names is easier if you take them in early.

If you know one person

The simplest entrance is through someone you already know. Walk up, make eye contact with them, and let them introduce you: "This is Jordan, we work together." Being introduced skips the question of whether you belong. If you're alone at an event with no one to lean on, going to events alone has a plan for the first twenty minutes.

Where you are changes the move

When a group is closed

Sometimes it just doesn't open. Maybe the group is deep in a story, or has known each other for years, or it's a private subject. That's not a rejection of you.

If you're trying to talk to someone who's part of a group, that's a different case with its own routine, in approaching groups.

Why it feels harder than it is

Most people think the group will resent them. There's some research that suggests people underestimate how well initial conversations go. Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Margaret Clark and Gillian Sandstrom (Psychological Science, 2018) ran five studies and found that people on average liked their conversation partner more than they thought their partner liked them. The press release gives no sample sizes, and the conversations were mostly between two people arranged by researchers, so it's not about joining groups specifically. It's a reason to give yourself a little credit.

A related finding from Robin Dunbar, N. D. C. Duncan and Daniel Nettle (Human Nature, 1995) is that data from several settings suggested a ceiling of about four people in a spontaneous conversation, which they link to how people produce and hear speech. This is from the abstract only. It suggests big groups tend to split into smaller ones, and a group of three is usually easier to join than a group of seven.

What to do next

  1. At your next event, spend 20 seconds at the edge and decide the topic before you step in.
  2. Pick the most open group you can see using the signs above: gaps, glances, loose posture.
  3. Prepare one connecting question and one neutral comment before you go.
  4. Join with a single sentence, then ask one question that builds on the reply.
  5. Give a closed group ten seconds, then leave with a plain line and try another.
  6. Do it three times at one event. The second and third try are almost always easier than the first.

If you're logging your nights out in Run Game, a session note like "joined a group at the bar, opened with a question about the game" gives you a record of what worked, and it's a place to write down the ones that didn't without making them a verdict.

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