Run Game Practice

How to go to an event alone and meet people

7 min read

Going to a party or a concert alone is easier to start than to picture. You get to arrive when you want, stand where you want, and leave when you're done. You also have nobody to hide behind. This post is a plan: how to pick the event, what to do in the first ten minutes, a small goal that keeps it manageable, and how to leave or stay safe. Most of it is common practice, not research. The few studies mentioned are described with their limits.

Pick the right kind of event

Some events are easier alone than others. The common advice is to start with something that gives people a reason to talk to each other.

A Ticketmaster blog on going to a concert alone makes a similar point: fans at a show likely share your interest in the band, which gives you easy conversation starters. It's a ticketing company's advice column, so read it as a tip, not evidence. If you're new to this, a smaller event is a gentler first try than a multi-day festival. Approaching at concerts and festivals and how to approach someone at a party go deeper on those two settings.

What research says about being alone in a room

Two findings are worth knowing, both with limits.

In 2000, Gilovich and colleagues published the spotlight effect studies. In the best-known one, undergraduates wore a Barry Manilow T-shirt, which they found embarrassing, and guessed how many people noticed it. They guessed well above the actual number. The participants were students, the sources we used give no sample sizes, and the result describes averages. The point for you: you may be noticed less than it feels like.

In 2014, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder ran nine experiments in which commuters on trains and buses were asked to talk to a stranger, sit alone, or do what they normally would. The people who talked reported the most positive experience, even though they'd predicted the opposite, and people underestimated how interested others were in talking. This was commuters, not events or dating, and the press materials don't give sample sizes. It suggests that the other person may be more open to a hello than you expect.

Before you go

  1. Choose the event and a time limit. "I'll stay for at least an hour" is easier to commit to than "I'll stay until it's over."
  2. Learn one thing about it. Who's playing, who's hosting, what the topic is. A University of Ottawa careers blog on networking events suggests preparing a few questions about the event and the people you want to meet. It works for social events too, because it gives you something to ask.
  3. Prepare a short answer to "how do you know the host?" or "who did you come with?" The Ticketmaster blog suggests having an answer ready for why you're alone, though it adds that you probably won't need one. A short, true line works: "I came on my own, I wanted to see them live." Using your own words beats a made-up story.
  4. Tell someone where you'll be. More on this in the safety section below.

At the event

Arrive a little early. This is a common tip, not a researched one. A half-empty room is easier to walk into, and fewer groups have formed yet. Plan for 15 to 30 minutes.

Find a role. Get a drink, look at the merch table, read the schedule on the wall. These give you a reason to stand somewhere and a reason to talk to the person next to you.

Look for other solo people. The University of Ottawa blog's advice for networking is to approach someone who's in the same position as you and introduce yourself, then ask a follow-up question. At a party or a show, the person on their own by the wall may well be glad you did. And if the person you walk up to turns out to be part of a cluster, group conversation skills are what get you into it smoothly.

Keep opening lines about the thing you're both at. Easy ones:

Then ask a follow-up, which is what turns a line into a conversation. How to keep a conversation going has more.

Keep moving if you feel stuck. The Ticketmaster blog says that if you feel self-conscious, stay on the go. Walk to the bar, the bathroom, the other room. Standing still by a wall for forty minutes gives you fewer chances to start a chat.

A goal of three conversations

A goal that depends on other people's replies is hard to control. A goal that depends on you is easier. A common approach: start three conversations, then you've done it. They don't need to go anywhere. A "hi, how do you know the host?" that lasts 90 seconds is just making small talk, and it counts. If one of them goes well and you want to see the person again, that's a bonus. If one ends politely, that's fine too, and a no or a closed-off reply means you wish them well and move on.

Afterward, jot down who you talked to and what happened. If you use Run Game, a session can hold a note for the night.

A small exit plan

An exit plan makes the first hour less scary, because leaving is always an option.

A safety plan

This is general advice from a UK police force, so check what applies where you live. Avon and Somerset Police suggests:

Many of these steps apply in a group too.

What to do next

  1. Pick one event this week or next. A meetup, a gig, a class or a quiz night.
  2. Write down your leaving time and your route home, and send both to a friend.
  3. Set the goal: three conversations. Write the numbers on your phone.
  4. Prepare two openers about the event itself, and one answer for "who did you come with?"
  5. Arrive 15 to 30 minutes early, and look for another person on their own.
  6. Afterward, write three lines: who you talked to, what worked, what you'd change. Then repeat at a second event.

If you'd rather have company, how to find a wingman and going out alone vs with a wingman lay out the trade-offs of each.

Sources