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Sticking points: find the one stage where you stall

Updated 5 min read

Many guys who feel stuck aren't struggling everywhere. They stall at one stage, and that stage blocks everything after it. Maybe you chat easily but never ask for a number. Maybe you get numbers and nobody replies. Maybe you never get as far as hello.

The pickup community calls this a sticking point. It turns "I'm bad at dating" into a specific problem with a specific drill. This page lists the stages, the number to check for each, and what to run.

The funnel

Roughly, meeting someone and dating them goes through these stages:

  1. Noticing someone and deciding to approach
  2. Opening
  3. Keeping it going past the first minute or two
  4. Showing interest and asking for a number or plan
  5. Texting
  6. Setting a date
  7. Going on the date
  8. Seeing each other again

Every stage loses people, and that's normal. If most of your attempts stall at the same stage, you've found your sticking point. Run Game's Stats outcome funnel (got number, texted, date set, went on a date, dating) covers the back half. For the front half, your own notes on the times you hesitated tell you most of what you need.

Find yours in two weeks

Log every outing in a Run Game session: Success or Rejected for each. Add one line per approach in your notes: how long it lasted and how it ended. Also jot down each time you wanted to approach and didn't. After about 15 approaches, count:

Your gut may blame whichever stage hurts most. Count instead.

Stage by stage: signal, fix, drill

1. You don't approach

Signal: The hesitations in your notes outnumber your approaches. Fix: Todd Valentine, a former RSD instructor, defines a beginner's success as physically walking up to someone and uttering a sound. He uses graded 10-second interactions: small talk, directions, an opinion, then a compliment plus your name. Drill: 5 ten-second interactions per outing, then 2 real approaches. The Mystery Method's three-second rule (approach within three seconds of spotting someone) removes deliberation time. More in approach anxiety.

2. The conversation dies in two minutes

Signal: Most conversations end before the 2-minute mark. Fix: A common cause is asking closed questions, interviewing, or sharing nothing about yourself. Drill: After her answer, ask a follow-up about a word she used, then say one thing about yourself. Do this 3 times per conversation. See how to keep a conversation going.

3. Friendly, then it fizzles

Signal: Long, laughing conversations with no number or plan. Fix: A common cause is never showing interest, so you come across as a friendly stranger. Drill: In every conversation going well, say one sincere line by minute three: "I'm glad I came over. You're fun to talk to."

4. You don't ask

Signal: Good conversations end with no ask. Fix: Corey Wayne's advice in How to Be a 3% Man is to "ask for the order" and keep it short: approach, set the date, move on. Drill: Ask once in every conversation that's going well, even when you're unsure. Todd Valentine's number-close line: "I'm tempted to ask you for a drink, but I have one last question first." Or the plain version: "I'd like to keep talking. Can I get your number?" See how to ask for a number.

5. Numbers don't reply

Signal: Fewer than half of your numbers lead to a text exchange. Fix: Todd Valentine calls the five minutes after the number swap the most critical; Corey Wayne says the phone is for setting dates. Keep the first text short and specific to something you discussed. Drill: Send within 24 hours, under 20 words, and refer to one detail. See what to text after getting a number.

6. Texts never become dates

Signal: Many days of texts, no meeting. Fix: Suggest a specific plan by the second or third exchange. Wayne's view is that the phone is for setting dates, and the line he gives when handing over a number ends with "maybe meet up for a drink." Drill: "I'm free Thursday evening, want to grab a drink at that place we talked about?" Try it on your next three texting threads. The faster route is to propose the plan in person before you part.

7. First dates don't lead to second dates

Signal: A date happens, no follow-up. Fix: Review the date like an approach. Did you plan something with conversation room? Were you performing? Drill: Write a five-line report after each date.

Inner sticking points

Some show up across stages: approaching only after drinks, only approaching people you're less drawn to, ending the night after one rejection, or reciting material instead of talking. Run the second-set rule (after a rejection, approach someone else within ten minutes) and the inner game drills.

The 4-week sprint

  1. Week 0: Collect data. 15 approaches, logged.
  2. Week 1: Pick one stage. Write a target: "Ask once in every good conversation."
  3. Weeks 1 to 3: 2 outings a week, 4 to 6 approaches each. Ignore the other stages. Clumsy openers are fine.
  4. Week 4: Re-count your numbers. Move on when the drill feels boring, which for most people means about five repetitions in a row without a spike of dread.

Common mistakes and fixes

Mistake Fix
Guessing instead of counting Use the five counts above.
Fixing three stages at once Pick one and ignore the rest for three weeks.
Counting a "no thanks" as a sticking point A no is an outcome, not a flaw. Say "no worries, have a good night," and stop.
Not writing down why A weekly field report shows why the numbers look the way they do.
Quitting when a new sticking point appears That's progress. Run the same process again.

What to do next

  1. Tonight: Write the funnel stages on a page and circle where you think you stall.
  2. This week: Log 8 to 10 approaches in Run Game, with one note line each.
  3. Sunday: Run the five counts and compare them to your guess.
  4. Next week: Pick the one stage and the one drill. Write the target as a number.
  5. After 3 weeks: Check the funnel in Run Game Stats and see whether the biggest drop moved.

Sources