Rejection therapy: a 30-day plan to get comfortable hearing no
Rejection therapy flips the scoreboard. A no counts as the win. You make small requests where a no is likely, collect at least one a day, and after a few weeks hearing it stops feeling like an event.
Where it came from
Jason Comely, an IT freelancer from Cambridge, Ontario, created Rejection Therapy around 2009. The rule: be rejected at least once a day for 30 days. He later turned the idea into a deck of challenge cards, each suggesting a request likely to get a no.
Jia Jiang brought it to a much wider audience. In 2012, after an investment he was counting on for his startup fell through, he found Comely's game and decided to seek rejection every day for 100 days. He filmed the attempts and posted them as "100 Days of Rejection Therapy."
Some of his asks:
- Asking a stranger to lend him $100
- Asking for a "burger refill" at a fast food restaurant
- Asking a Krispy Kreme employee for doughnuts shaped like the Olympic rings. She made them.
A number of his asks got a yes he didn't expect. He also found that staying calm after a no and asking "Can I know why?" sometimes led somewhere. In his talk, one no turned into a referral to someone who said yes.
His 2015 TEDxMtHood talk, "What I learned from 100 days of rejection," has 11.37 million plays on TED. His book Rejection Proof came out the same year. According to Wikipedia, he acquired Rejection Therapy in 2016.
Why people use it
Jiang's TED talk describes the effect as desensitization: you seek rejection repeatedly, survive it, and the emotional sting shrinks. That's his account of his own experience, not a controlled study. His point is that many chances go untried because people assume a no without asking.
The 30-day plan
Follow Comely's baseline: at least one rejection per day. The table shows what to try and exact lines.
| Days | Focus | Example asks |
|---|---|---|
| 1 to 7 | Tiny asks, one a day | "Could I get a discount on this?" "Can I get a refill on my coffee?" "Could you tell me the time?" |
| 8 to 14 | Slightly odd asks | "Could I see the kitchen?" "Can I join your frisbee game?" "Could you take a photo of me looking dramatic?" |
| 15 to 21 | Social asks | "What's the best thing on the menu?" "I'm putting together a playlist. What's one song I should add?" |
| 22 to 30 | Your real goal | Say hi to someone you're attracted to: "Hi, I saw you from over there and wanted to say hello." |
Aim for 2 or 3 asks a day. Some will get a yes, and that's fine. Count each no as a point.
How to run each ask
- Say it in one sentence. Keep the ask light.
- Smile and wait three seconds. Don't fill the silence.
- If it's a no, say "No problem, thanks anyway." Say it with a smile.
- If you're curious, ask once: "Can I know why?" Jiang did this in his experiments, and a friendly follow-up sometimes opened a door. Use it for low-stakes requests only.
- Log it. Write the ask, the answer, and a 1 to 10 rating of how uncomfortable it felt.
By week four, the discomfort rating may be lower for the same kinds of asks. If it is, that's the evidence you're after.
Rules that keep it clean
- Keep every ask harmless. Nothing that costs someone money or gets a worker in trouble with a boss.
- Make the no easy to give, and accept it instantly.
- Don't film people without permission. You need reps, not content.
- Don't push after a no. One "why?" in a friendly tone, and that's all.
Bringing it into approaches
Rejection therapy is meant to lower your general fear of hearing no, so that walking up to someone you like feels lighter. Jiang and others describe it that way, but those are personal accounts, not research results. It isn't a substitute for the approach itself, and the requests aren't the same: asking a barista for a discount isn't asking someone out. Approach people you'd genuinely like to talk to, because you want to talk to them.
What carries over is the exit. In an approach, a no is final. Say "No worries, have a good night" and leave. Skip the "why?" in that setting. How to handle rejection when you approach walks through the full routine.
Common mistakes and fixes
| Mistake | Fix |
|---|---|
| Starting with a huge ask | Start with a discount or the time. Move up in week 2 |
| Skipping days | Do one ask on the bus, at the counter, or at work. Tiny counts |
| Negotiating after a no | Say "No problem, thanks anyway" and move on |
| Doing all asks with the same person | Spread them across different people and places |
| Treating a yes as a failure | A yes is useful data. Do another ask |
| Not logging | Write the ask, the answer, and the 1 to 10 rating |
| Waiting until day 22 to try your real goal | Do one small social ask from day 8 |
Pairing it with other practice
- Warming up before you go out uses small asks to get your voice going before a real approach.
- The 100 approaches challenge is the natural next step once small asks feel easy.
- Approach anxiety covers the specific fear around talking to someone you like.
What to do next
- Today, ask for something small and likely to get a no. Try "Could I get a discount on this?"
- Start a note on your phone titled "No log". Write the date, the ask, the answer, and a 1 to 10 discomfort rating.
- Do at least one ask per day for 7 days, then move to the week-2 asks.
- On day 22, say hello to one person you're attracted to. Use one line: "Hi, I saw you from over there and wanted to say hello."
- In Run Game, log the real approach as Success or Rejected. Your practice asks stay in your note. Real approaches go in Run Game, where rejections count toward your total just like successes.