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How to use a friend as an accountability partner

5 min read

An accountability partner is one person you tell your plan to and check in with on a regular schedule. To make it work, agree on a small weekly target you can count, look at the same numbers each week, and hold a short call or chat to go over them. In Run Game, the Friends tab's This week board shows both of your counts, so the check-in doesn't depend on either of you remembering to report.

What the research says, and what it doesn't

Two findings are relevant. A 2016 meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin (Harkin and colleagues; 138 randomized studies, 19,951 participants) found that prompting people to monitor their goal progress improved goal attainment (d+ = 0.40), and that the effect was larger when progress was physically recorded and when it was reported or made public. Separately, a 2006 meta-analysis by Gollwitzer and Sheeran of 94 tests found that "implementation intentions", if-then plans like "If it's Thursday at 6, then I'll go to the market," had a medium-to-large effect on goal attainment (d = 0.65).

Limits: only the abstracts were read for this post, not the full papers. Neither one is about dating, and neither tested accountability partners as such. They suggest that recording progress, sharing it and planning the when and where help in general. They don't prove that a partner will work for you.

Choose the person

Look for someone who answers messages and won't judge a bad week. A similar pace helps, because the gap between you stays small. You don't need the same goal: you can check in about approaches while they check in about the gym.

If they're on Run Game, add them from the Friends tab: tap Add, then search by name or share your invite link. If they aren't, you can still do the routine with a shared note or a text.

Set one weekly target

Use a count you control, not an outcome. "Five approaches this week" is something you can do. "Get two numbers" depends on other people. Dating goals you can control goes into why. If you're unsure of the number, how many approaches per week lays out some options. Start lower than you think you need. A target you hit three weeks running beats one you drop in week two.

Then add an if-then plan, because that's what the Gollwitzer research looked at: "If it's Saturday afternoon, then I'll go to the farmers market and talk to two people." Write down the day, the place and the number, and send it to your partner.

Let the board do the reporting

The Friends tab has a This week board. It ranks you and your friends by approaches logged in the last seven days (successes plus rejections), shows each person's week as a row of lights (gold for successes, violet for rejections) and a streak tag when the streak is past a day, and tells you where you stand in one line, such as "2 more approaches to pass Sam." Tapping a person opens their profile sheet with Message, This week, Approaches and Success. More on the screen is in how the Friends tab works.

Two points that suit this routine:

The 10-minute check-in

Pick a fixed time, such as Sunday at 7. A call leaves more room for back-and-forth than texts, though a voice note each works too. Use this order and keep to the clock:

  1. Numbers (2 minutes). Each person says their count for the week against their target. Read it from Stats or the board.
  2. What got in the way (3 minutes, 1.5 each). Facts, like "work ran late Tuesday and Wednesday". No excuses and no scolding.
  3. One change (3 minutes). Each person picks one adjustment for next week. A 15-minute weekly review shows how to find it in your notes.
  4. Next target (2 minutes). Say the number, the day and the place out loud, and send it in writing.

When one of you skips a week

It will happen. Agree on a response before it does.

If a partner stops replying for several weeks, finding a new one is a normal outcome.

Kind, not competitive

Competition motivates some people and wears down others. To keep it kind, compare each person only to their own previous week, and say it out loud when your partner has a good night. If the board feels stressful, skip it and use the call instead.

What to do next

  1. Ask one person this week: "Want to check in every Sunday for 10 minutes for a month?"
  2. Add them in Run Game from Add on the Friends tab, if they're on it.
  3. Set a weekly count you're sure you can hit and send it to them with a day and a place.
  4. Log every approach after it happens, with a one-line note.
  5. Hold the first check-in using the four steps above, and set a calendar reminder for the next.
  6. Review after four weeks. Keep going, change the target, or pair up with someone else.

If you'd like company on the night itself, how to find a wingman covers that.

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