Run Game Approaching

How to choose who to approach, and when to skip

6 min read

Most advice on who to approach is really advice about when. The same person can be a fine moment at 2 p.m. in a bookshop and a poor one at 8 a.m. on a platform with headphones in and a train to catch. So the better question is usually about the situation, and about what she is doing right now.

That framing also keeps the decision where it belongs. Whether you find someone attractive is your call. Whether she's open to a conversation is hers, and the only way you learn it is from what she does. A no, or a person walking away, means stop.

Why the moment matters more than the person

People who are free to chat tend to behave differently from people who aren't. Someone waiting with nothing to do has attention to spare. Someone mid-task, late, carrying bags, or on a call doesn't, and a hello from a stranger lands as an interruption however friendly it is.

There's also a base rate worth knowing. In a 2021 survey of 16,112 adults in Great Britain, the Office for National Statistics found that 28% of women and 16% of men had experienced at least one form of harassment in the previous 12 months, where harassment meant incidents involving a stranger in public, such as being shouted at, catcalled or followed. A 2022 follow-up of 6,213 adults gave 27% and 16%. These surveys measure unwanted conduct, not polite hellos, and they're from one country. But they show that unwanted contact from strangers is common enough that many people arrive at your hello already on guard. Good timing and a low-key manner are how you show you're not that.

Cues that suggest a good moment

None of these is a guarantee. They're rules of thumb that improve your odds of a welcome hello.

Cues to skip

If you're unsure, a useful test is whether she could easily say no and walk away. If the answer is "not really," skip.

A quick table

What you see Reasonable move
Waiting, looking around, no headphones Go ahead with a light, short hello
Mid-task but nearly done Wait a minute, then reassess
Headphones in, focused Skip
Rushing or on a call Skip
In a group, relaxed Say hello to the group, not just one person
She makes eye contact and smiles Good sign, still keep it short and read her reply

Why it's tempting to skip everyone, and why that's also a trap

Nerves make every "skip" look sensible. Research suggests we misjudge how strangers will react. In a set of nine studies published in 2014, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder asked commuters on trains and buses, in taxi queues and in a waiting room to talk to a stranger, sit alone, or do what they normally would. People who chatted reported the most pleasant trips, and they had predicted the opposite. Commuters predicted that more than half of strangers would rebuff them, and, according to the summary, that didn't happen to anyone instructed to chat. Limits: Chicago-area commuters, one-off chats, and nothing romantic.

A second finding points the same way. A 2018 Psychological Science paper by Erica Boothby and colleagues (five studies, including pairs of lab strangers and college roommates) found that, on average, people underestimate how much a conversation partner liked them. That was measured after a conversation, not before a hello, but it suggests the worry that someone won't like you can run gloomier than the facts.

One way to tell the two apart: if the reason to skip is about her or the place (headphones, rushing, a tight space), respect it. If it's about you ("I'd look silly"), that's nerves, and approach anxiety and how to stop overthinking before you approach cover that.

Noting hesitations instead of forcing sets

You don't owe anyone a quota of approaches in a night. Some outings, the honest result is two hellos and a lot of good skips. What helps you improve is knowing which was which.

After a session, jot down the sets you skipped and one line on why: "headphones," "rushing," "froze." Over a few weeks you'll see whether your skips are mostly good judgment or mostly nerves, and you can adjust. Related: signs she wants you to approach covers the positive cues in more depth, and consent and respect covers reading her response once you've said hello.

What to do next

  1. Before your next outing, pick three "green" cues and three "skip" cues from the lists above. Say them aloud once.
  2. At each potential set, take three seconds: pace, headphones, task. If two are green, go. If any is a clear skip, move on.
  3. Keep your opener under ten seconds and make it easy to decline: "Hey, sorry to interrupt, I'll be quick." See how to approach someone for lines.
  4. Give every set a clear exit: if you get a short answer, say "Have a good one" and leave.
  5. After the session, note each skip and the reason, and count how many were nerves.
  6. Review after two weeks. If most skips were nerves, set a small target for approaches you'll attempt when the cues are green.

Run Game can hold the log: record each approach as Success or Rejected, and put your skips and their reasons in the session's notes. Your approach log then shows what you actually did, not what you remember.

A good follow-up is telling nerves from a real "not now".

Sources