Run Game Approaching

How to approach someone wearing headphones or on their phone

5 min read

Most of the time, headphones or a phone in hand mean "I'm busy right now," and skipping is a good call. The exception is a short, low-key line when the person is clearly idle (waiting, looking around, one earbud out), and even then you should expect to be ignored and be fine with it. If they don't react or take a headphone out, you leave, and that counts as a normal outcome, not a failure.

That's the whole frame. Everything below is how to tell the cases apart and what to say in the rare one where a hello makes sense.

Why headphones are a signal

People wear headphones for lots of reasons. Music, a podcast, a call, a bit of privacy on a crowded train. Some people wear them partly so strangers won't talk to them. Putting them in is a cheap, polite way of saying "not now" without saying anything.

That's why they work as a first filter. If someone has gone to the trouble of blocking out the world, a stranger who forces their way in is overriding a choice they've already made. You can't read their mind, but you can read that choice.

None of this is a law of nature. Some people wear earbuds out of habit and would happily chat if someone made it easy. You just can't tell which kind you're looking at from ten feet away, and the cost of guessing wrong falls mostly on them. So lean toward skipping.

Skip when you see these

How to choose who to approach, and when to skip goes through the same idea for other settings, and trusting your gut before you approach covers the case where something just feels off.

A short line can be fine when they're idle

Idle looks like this: standing in a queue with nothing to do, sitting on a bench looking around, one earbud out, waiting at a crosswalk, scrolling slowly rather than typing. Attention is spare.

A common approach is one sentence, said at a normal volume from a respectful distance (an arm's length or a bit more), with an obvious easy exit built into it. The goal isn't to start a conversation. It's to give them the option and let them take it or not.

Lines that fit the rule:

Notice what's missing. There's no "what are you listening to?" followed by tugging at their attention, no waving, no tapping their shoulder, no standing in their path. A wave or a raised hand at the edge of their vision is plenty. Touching someone you don't know is a bad start in almost any case.

What to say if they take a headphone out

You've now been given a small amount of attention. Treat it as a loan.

  1. Say the thing you came to say, in a sentence. "I just wanted to say I like your coat. Have a good one."
  2. Watch what they do next. If they smile, ask something back or stay turned toward you, you can keep going for a minute. If they say "thanks" and reach for the headphone, they're done.
  3. Let them finish the exchange. If they put the earbud back, say "Enjoy the rest of your day" and step away. Don't try for a second line.

When they do engage, keep it light and offer an out partway through: "I'll let you get back to your music, but I'm Sam." If they want to keep talking, they'll say so. Eye contact helps here: warm and brief, not a stare.

What to do when they don't respond

They didn't hear you, pretended not to, or heard you and chose not to answer. You can't tell which, and it doesn't matter. Say nothing more.

Walk away at your normal pace, breathe, and note what happened. A person ignoring a stranger is a common outcome, and it says nothing about you.

The phone case is slightly different

Someone looking at their phone is less closed off than someone with headphones in, since a phone is easier to put down. Still, phone use can be a way of shielding too. If the person is scrolling slowly, glancing around, and standing in a place where nothing is happening, the same short line applies. (The same goes for talking to someone who's walking past.) If they're typing, calling or watching a video, skip.

An easier way in is to wait for the moment attention frees up: they lock the phone, look up, put it away. That's a better time than any amount of cleverness.

A note on how it may land

Whether people welcome a stranger's hello in public varies a lot. Some are glad of it, some find it intrusive, and many feel differently depending on the day, the place and how the person comes across. There isn't one right answer, which is another reason to keep it short and be easy to turn down. When being direct backfires covers how directness lands when trust is low.

What to do next

  1. Pick a rule before you go out. "If both ears are covered and they're mid-task, I skip." Deciding ahead of time takes the argument out of the moment.
  2. Write down two short lines you'd be comfortable saying. Under ten words each, with a built-in exit.
  3. Practice the exit. Say "Enjoy your day" out loud three times so it comes out smoothly when you need it.
  4. Count a skip as a good decision, not a miss. Jot it in your own notes, along with what you saw.
  5. Try this week: if you spot someone idle with one earbud out, say your one sentence, accept whatever happens, and note how it felt afterward.

If you use Run Game, you can log an approach as Success or Rejected with an optional note. For the skips, a line in your session notes about what you saw is enough to spot patterns later.