Run Game Approaching

Where to stand when you approach someone

6 min read

When you walk up to someone, where you stop says something before you do. Stand too far and it can feel like you're shouting across a room. Stand too close or in her way and it can feel like pressure. The simple version: arrive where she can see you coming, stop a few steps away, settle at a comfortable talking distance as she responds, and keep a clear path open for her to leave.

This post is about positioning. For posture, hands and the walk itself, see body language that reads as confident.

What the research on distance says (and doesn't)

The best-known framework is proxemics, a term the anthropologist Edward T. Hall coined in 1963 and developed in his 1966 book The Hidden Dimension. He described four zones of distance. Per Wikipedia's summary of his work:

Zone Approximate distance
Intimate up to about 18 inches
Personal about 1.5 to 4 feet
Social about 4 to 12 feet
Public 12 feet and beyond

Two cautions. The numbers are approximate, and they shift with culture, setting and the individual. Wikipedia gives one example: roughly 4 feet in the US compared with 2 to 3 feet in Europe, and it cites a 2017 study with large differences between countries. They describe general patterns, not rules for approaching strangers. So treat the table as a rough map. It's a reason to pay attention to her reaction, not a ruler to carry.

Front or side?

A common approach is to come in from the front or from the front-side. The reason is simple: she can see you before you speak, so there's no surprise. Coming up from behind, or into the edge of her vision, can startle people, and a startled person is unlikely to be relaxed enough to talk.

If she's walking, don't chase from behind. A common rule of thumb: approach someone who's stopped, slowed down or moving at an easy pace. If she doesn't slow down when you say hello, let her go.

The angle

Squared up face to face can feel intense, especially in the first few seconds. A common suggestion is a slight angle, with your body turned somewhat toward her but not fully head-on. It's a rule of thumb, and some people prefer being faced directly. Standing side by side works well in a queue, at a bar or at a shelf, because you're both facing the same thing and you don't have to hold eye contact. Once she turns toward you, you can turn toward her. Eye contact covers when to look and when to look away.

How far away to stop

Use the zones as a starting point, then follow her lead.

  1. Start at the edge of the social zone, roughly 4 to 6 feet, which is about two long steps from where she's standing. This is a rule of thumb. It keeps you in her view without crowding her.
  2. Watch what she does. If she leans in, steps toward you or turns to face you, you can close some of the gap. If she steps back, leans away or turns her shoulders, give her more room.
  3. Don't touch to open. A hand on the arm or shoulder from a stranger often reads as too much, even when it's meant as friendly.
  4. Adjust for noise and crowds. In a loud bar or a packed train, you may need to stand closer to be heard. Do it slowly and say what you're doing: "Sorry, it's loud, I'll lean in a bit." If she steps back, stop leaning.

The point is to treat distance as a conversation. You don't need a perfect number. You need to notice when she's comfortable and when she isn't.

Sitting vs standing

If she's standing and you're standing, you're level. That's the easiest case.

If she's sitting and you're standing, you're towering over her. Keep a bit more distance than usual, and don't hover over the table. Stop at the side of the table, not directly in front, so she doesn't feel boxed in.

If you want to sit, ask first, or stay standing if that's simpler. "Mind if I sit for a minute?" gives her a clear chance to say no, and taking the seat only after she says yes keeps it light. If she says "I'm waiting for someone" or "I'd rather not," thank her and go.

If you're both seated, like in a cafe or a train, you can talk from the neighboring chair or across a gap. In seating that puts you shoulder to shoulder, like a bench or a bar stool, give her more room than you'd think necessary and angle your body slightly out.

Give her room to leave

This is the most useful positioning rule, and it's also about respect. Many people feel more at ease when they know they can walk away easily.

A no, a closed reply or walking away means stop. Consent and respect goes through what that looks like in practice.

Spots that make it easier

Some places let positioning take care of itself:

Common mistakes and fixes

Hovering. Standing just outside her space for a minute before you speak. Fix: walk straight in once you've decided.

Creeping up on the blind side. Fix: approach from a direction she can see.

Standing too far back. Calling out from ten feet away. Fix: move to the edge of the social zone before you start.

Closing the gap when she steps back. Fix: let her step back and stay where you are. Give more room, not less.

Positioning between her and the door. Fix: shift to the side so the way out is clear.

What to do next

  1. Practice the walk-up this week on a low-stakes chat, like asking a stranger for the time: come in from the front, stop at about 4 to 6 feet and watch what happens.
  2. Pick your angle. On three conversations in a row, try standing slightly angled instead of square, and notice which feels easier.
  3. Check your exits. Before each approach, glance at where the door, aisle or path is and stand so you aren't in the way.
  4. Test the "may I sit" line in a cafe or a library, and notice how people respond to being asked.
  5. Watch how she responds. If she turns away, steps back or gives short answers, give more room or say a polite goodbye, every time.
  6. Review three approaches. After each, write one line: where I stood, how she reacted, what I'd change.

If you use Run Game, you can add a note to each logged approach about where you stood and how it went, then look back at the notes after a few weeks to see what you tend to do.

Sources