Run Game Approaching

Confident body language: a checklist for the approach

5 min read

Confident body language comes down to being relaxed, slow, and visible. People read the first few seconds of an approach before you've said a word, so it pays to have a checklist. This one covers the walk-up, distance, posture, hands, and the warmth cues Vanessa Van Edwards describes in her book Cues.

Two kinds of signal: warmth and power

Van Edwards sorts nonverbal cues into two groups (as summarized in published notes on Cues).

Warmth cues Power cues
Head tilt Steepling (fingertips touching)
Nodding Palm displays (open palms)
Eyebrow raise Leaning in
A real smile Fronting (facing someone squarely)

For a first conversation, lead with warmth. Add the power cues as the chat gets comfortable: an open palm when you explain something, a lean in when she says something interesting.

The walk-up in six steps

  1. Start from about 4 feet. Edward T. Hall's zones, described on Wikipedia's page on proxemics, put acquaintances at roughly 4 to 7 feet in the closer phase. Starting there leaves her room to close the gap.
  2. Come from the front or side so she sees you. Walk at a normal pace, slightly slower than your nerves want.
  3. Angle your body about 45 degrees. Square-on can feel like a confrontation. Turn toward her as she warms up.
  4. Drop your shoulders with a slow breath out before the first word.
  5. Smile on the first line, then let your face react to what she says.
  6. Keep your hands out of your pockets and still. Let them hang, hold a drink, or use open-palm gestures.

If she steps closer, you can step in to roughly 2.5 to 4 feet, the far phase of personal distance. If she steps back, stay where you are or give her more room.

The posture checklist

Run this in your head before each approach (five seconds):

Charlie Houpert's Charisma on Command breaks charisma into conviction, energy, and presentation. His breakdown of Bill Clinton's eye contact adds one more body rule: when leaving, turn your body but keep your eyes on the person for a moment. See eye contact.

Movement

What reads as nervous, and the fix

Habit Fix
Fidgeting with phone, keys, or sleeves Put the phone in a pocket before you walk up.
Shifting weight foot to foot Plant both feet, then stay there for 5 seconds.
Body half-turned away Angle your chest toward her by 45 degrees.
Touching your face or neck Rest your hands at your sides or hold a glass.
Laughing after every sentence End sentences with a pause instead.
Eyes darting around Look at her for each sentence you hear.
Sprawling or looming Keep your normal space and stay below her eye line if she's seated.

If you notice you're doing three of these at once, take a breath and slow down.

Reading her body language

The signals come from her.

Good signs: she turns her torso and feet toward you, leans in a little, relaxes her shoulders, keeps the conversation going.

Time to wrap up: her body stays turned away, she checks her phone, she holds her bag in front of her, she steps back.

One cue alone means little. Crossed arms might mean she's cold. Look at three or four cues together. If most say "not now," believe them and leave warmly. Signs of interest has the full list.

About power poses

A 2010 paper by Dana Carney, Amy Cuddy, and Andy Yap in Psychological Science reported that expansive poses changed hormone levels and feelings of power. A 2015 replication by Ranehill and colleagues, also in Psychological Science, did not find the hormonal effects. If you try a pose before an outing, treat it as a personal habit and track whether it changes your approach count or your nerves.

Drills you can do this week

  1. Film yourself walking. Record 30 seconds across a room. Watch for speed, shoulders, and hands. Walk again, 20 percent slower.
  2. Hand audit. Ask a friend what your hands do when you're nervous.
  3. Mirror check. Stand for 60 seconds with your weight even, shoulders down, and hands loose.
  4. Low-stakes reps. Order a coffee and hold your stance, eye contact, and pace. Do this three times.
  5. Warmth rep. In your next five conversations, add a head tilt and one real smile.

When your body gives you away

If your hands shake or your face goes red, you can name it lightly: "Sorry, I'm a bit nervous, I don't usually do this." Then keep talking. Steady speech beats a perfect pose.

What to do next

  1. Before each approach, run the 5-second checklist: head level, shoulders down, weight even, hands visible.
  2. Start every approach from about 4 feet, angled 45 degrees, and step closer only if she does.
  3. Pick two warmth cues this week, a head tilt and a real smile, and use them in every conversation.
  4. Film yourself once, find your top two nervous habits, and fix one per week.
  5. In Run Game, add a note to each logged approach about one body cue you used. After 10 approaches, look for what shows up in your successes.

Combine this with your voice and the first few seconds of how to approach someone. If nerves are running the show, approach anxiety is the place to go next.

Sources