Run Game Approaching

What to do with your hands when you talk to someone

5 min read

Let your hands do one of three things: rest loosely at your sides, hold something simple like a drink, or move a little as you talk. Pockets are fine for a few seconds if they're relaxed. What reads badly is a hand that's constantly busy, such as picking at sleeves, clicking a pen or gripping a phone. Awkward hands often mean your attention is on yourself, and moving it back to the other person tends to help more than any hand position.

Why your hands feel so loud

Once you notice your hands, they become the most obvious things on your body. That's a common experience and it fades fast when you get absorbed in the conversation. Usually the person you're talking to is busy listening to you and thinking about what to say next, not auditing your fingers.

What other people do pick up is movement that doesn't match what you're saying, like fiddling, tapping or hiding your hands entirely. So the goal is not perfect hands. It's calm, ordinary ones.

Resting positions that work

Holding a drink or phone

A drink is the easiest prop there is, as long as you use it lightly. Hold it at about waist or low-chest height, not up at your chin like a shield. Take a sip when you're listening, not as a way to cover every pause.

A phone is harder. Held in your hand it pulls your eyes down and can look like you're about to leave. If you've been checking it while you wait, put it in a pocket before you start talking. If you need it, say so out loud ("one sec, I'm waiting on a text") and then put it away.

Are pockets okay?

Yes, in moderation. Both hands deep in your pockets with shoulders hunched looks closed off. One hand in a pocket, or both hands in pockets for a few seconds while you listen, looks relaxed. Take them out when you're talking, when you're about to say goodbye, and any time the conversation gets warmer. A helpful check is to ask yourself whether your shoulders are down. If so, the pockets are probably fine.

Crossed arms are a mixed case. In a cold room or a casual chat they're only comfortable. Held for a long time while the other person is talking, they can look guarded. If you catch them crossed, uncross them as you ask a question.

Natural gestures

Gestures help, and you don't need to script them. Many people gesture more when they're comfortable and less when they're nervous, so a bit of movement often comes back on its own as you relax.

There's some research behind the idea that gestures matter to how a speaker comes across. Maricchiolo and colleagues (2009) showed undergraduates five video messages in which only the speaker's hand gestures differed. Gesture type changed how persuasive viewers rated the message and how composed and competent they rated the speaker. A second, control study indicated the effects came from the visible gestures themselves. This is based only on the abstract, which doesn't give the sample size or name the gesture types. It was students rating recorded speeches, not people meeting in real life, so it says gestures affect impressions, not which gestures to use on a first meeting.

Practical guidelines, which are advice rather than science:

  1. Keep gestures between your waist and chest. Higher can feel dramatic, lower can look like you're hiding.
  2. Match the size of the gesture to the size of the point. A small idea gets a small movement.
  3. Open palms when explaining, a light point when making a point. Avoid jabbing a finger at someone.
  4. Let gestures stop. Between sentences, return to a resting position. Constant motion reads as nerves, constant stillness as stiffness.
  5. Watch the other person. If they keep their hands still and speak quietly, a big, sweeping style can feel like too much. Scale down to their level.

Fidgeting as a signal, not a flaw

Fidgeting is often a way of burning off nervous energy. You don't have to stop it, and willpower alone rarely does. Treat it as information instead: busy hands can be a cue that you're tense, so slow your breathing.

Here's a quick routine:

If your hands shake or sweat a lot, that's a nerves response, not a character flaw. Shaky voice and sweaty hands covers what helps. If anxiety is bothering you enough to keep you home, a doctor or therapist is a good next step.

Putting it together in a real conversation

Say you walk up to someone at a cafe and say hi. Start with your hands at your sides or holding your cup. When you ask a question, open one palm slightly. While they answer, keep still and let your face react. If you notice your hands creeping toward your pockets, keys or sleeves, slow your breath and ask a follow-up question. That gives your attention a job and your hands a break. For the bigger picture of how you look as you approach, see confident body language and how to walk with confidence.

What to do next

  1. Practice in a mirror or a video for 30 seconds: say a short intro with your hands resting, then with natural gestures. Pick whichever looked calmer.
  2. Decide your default before you walk up: one hand holding a drink or strap, the other loose.
  3. Put the phone away before your first line, not after.
  4. Use fidgeting as a cue. The moment you notice it, breathe out for four seconds and ask a question.
  5. Run two low-stakes chats this week with a cashier or neighbor, paying attention to your hands for the first ten seconds only, then forget about them.

If you use Run Game to log approaches, a note in the session ("hands felt fine, held my drink") makes it easier to see which small changes made things easier.

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