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The ick: what it means and what to do about it

6 min read

The ick is a sudden feeling of disgust or turn-off toward someone you were attracted to, usually set off by one specific moment or habit. It isn't a psychology term, but researchers have started studying it: in a 2025 survey of single adults, 64% said they'd had it after reading a definition. A fair way to treat it is as information about fit that deserves a second look before you act on it, sorted by whether it's about values or about taste.

Where the word comes from

Dictionary.com traces the dating sense to "Once in a Lifetime," a 1999 episode of Ally McBeal, in which the lead character uses "the ick" for an unexplained lack of attraction to a coworker. This post checked only that entry, so treat the show as the usual account of the origin, not a confirmed first use. The dictionary says the phrase was rarely used as dating slang until the later 2010s, when cast members on Love Island helped spread it, and that it was widely used on social media by the early 2020s.

The same entry says experts have described it as a common reaction and that it may act as a protective response against unhealthy relationships. That's one reading. The research below suggests there's more than one.

What people say sets it off

The most detailed study so far is Collisson, Saunders and Yin (2025) in Personality and Individual Differences. It had two parts, as summarized by the British Psychological Society and Psychology Today. First, the researchers analyzed popular TikTok videos tagged #theick to see what people said triggered it (neither summary gives the number of videos). Second, they surveyed single adults aged 24 to 72; the BPS summary gives the sample as 125.

From the video part, as those summaries describe it:

The pattern is closer to "something I saw them do" than "something about their looks." One example in the BPS write-up was using a music-recognition app in a nightclub.

How common it is, and what people did next

From the survey, as reported:

The researchers also linked the ick to a few personality measures: disgust sensitivity, perfectionism about partners and grandiose narcissism. The two summaries differ on which of these relate to how often it happens and which only to whether it happens at all, and the paper itself wasn't read, so those details are left out here.

What the research can't tell you

This is the part that matters for decisions. The study didn't test whether acting on the ick leads to better or worse relationships. The BPS write-up says future research could check whether these reactions protect people from bad matches or just make them pickier than they need to be. The survey was small and relied on people's own reports.

So there are two honest readings of an ick, and both can be true on different occasions:

  1. It's a signal. Something about how they treat a waiter, a friend or you has changed how you see them.
  2. It's a hair trigger. A small quirk that says very little about how a relationship would go has switched off a feeling that was otherwise fine.

You can't tell which from the feeling alone. You can tell more by asking a few questions.

A quick way to sort an ick

Advice, not research. When it hits, write down the trigger in one sentence, then ask:

If an ick comes with a safety feeling, such as being uncomfortable about how someone treats your boundaries, that's a different thing. Trust it and step away. That doesn't need a second date.

If you're the one who triggered it

If someone cools off after something small, you may never hear why, and you don't need to chase it. Asking "did something happen?" once is fair. If they say it's nothing, take it at face value and move on. You can't argue someone back into attraction.

Notice too that the same behavior lands differently on different people. A trait that gets you an ick from one person is a green flag for another, which is one reason green flags and red flags are worth thinking about as separate lists from your icks.

If you keep getting it

Getting the ick once or twice on a long run of dates is normal. If it happens quickly and on almost everyone, look for a pattern in you: how early in the process it hits, whether you're comparing people to an imagined ideal, or whether you pull back when things start to feel real. A friend you trust or, if it's causing distress, a therapist can help you see it. Modern dating terms lists the ick next to related words like situationship and ghosting, and talking stage vs situationship covers what to do when a connection stalls for other reasons.

What to do next

  1. Write the trigger down the next time you get an ick. One sentence, plain words: "He was rude to the server," not "he's a bad person."
  2. Sort it using the four questions above: values or taste, friend test, one moment or pattern, something else going on.
  3. Sleep on it. Wait at least a day before ending anything over a small trigger. Strong reactions often look different after a night.
  4. Give it one more meeting if the trigger was a quirk and everything else felt good. One approach is one more date, then decide.
  5. End kindly if it's real. "I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't feel the connection I'm looking for" is enough. You don't owe a list of reasons.
  6. After a month, look back. If three icks in a row were all about taste, you're learning what you want.

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