Run Game Practice

Dating and talking with a stutter

6 min read

You can date, and be a good conversationalist, with a stutter. Stuttering is common (the Stuttering Foundation says more than 80 million people worldwide stutter, about 1 percent), and it doesn't stop you from being a good conversationalist. Whether to mention it early is your call. Some people bring it up in a line, some wait and see, and neither is wrong.

This post is general information, not medical advice. A speech-language pathologist (SLP) is the right person for anything about your speech itself.

How common it is

The National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders (NIDCD) says roughly 3 million Americans stutter. It says stuttering most often appears in children between 2 and 6, that about 5 to 10 percent of all children stutter for some period, and that approximately 75 percent of children recover. For the rest, it can last into adulthood. More males than females stutter. The NIDCD says boys are two to three times as likely as girls to stutter, while the Stuttering Foundation says it affects four times as many males as females, so the exact ratio depends on the source and the age group.

On causes, the NIDCD says the precise mechanisms aren't understood, that developmental stuttering is thought to come from complex interactions of multiple factors, and that research has shown genetic factors contribute. The Stuttering Foundation says people who stutter are no more likely than others to have emotional or psychological problems, and that there is no reason to believe emotional trauma causes stuttering.

On treatment, the NIDCD says there is currently no cure but there are a variety of treatments. It says therapies for teens and adults focus on ways to minimize stuttering, such as speaking more slowly, regulating breathing and gradually progressing from single-syllable responses to longer words and more complex sentences, and that many also address the anxiety a person who stutters may feel. The NIDCD also says the US Food and Drug Administration hasn't approved any drug for stuttering. If you want to work on your speech, an SLP can tell you what fits your situation. Plenty of people don't, and that's a valid choice too.

Stuttering and social anxiety

They're separate things, but they often show up together. A 2014 review in the Journal of Fluency Disorders by Lisa Iverach and Ronald Rapee reported that more recent studies, using larger samples and diagnostic assessments, show a high rate of social anxiety disorder among adults who stutter. The abstract gives no figures. The authors also say earlier findings were inconsistent, partly because of small samples and measures.

Two things follow. If you feel dread before conversations, you're not weak and you're not alone. And if the dread is large, it's worth treating as its own thing: social anxiety or shyness explains the difference, and therapy for guys covers what a first appointment is like.

Saying it early, or not

There's no right answer. These are common approaches, offered as advice.

Mention it early and lightly. A short line takes the pressure off for you and for them:

You say it once, you move on, and you've given them a plain way to respond.

Don't mention it unless it comes up. Some people prefer to let the conversation be about the conversation. If a block happens, you can pause, keep eye contact, finish the word, and carry on. If they ask, answer directly.

Match the situation. A two-minute chat in a queue may not need an explanation. A first date might feel easier once you've said one sentence about it. Decide ahead of time so you aren't deciding while nervous.

Some people will interrupt or finish your sentences. A short line works: "I've got it, thanks." Say it without heat.

Pace, voice and practice

The NIDCD notes that therapy for teens and adults includes slower speech and breath control. If you've worked with an SLP, use what they've taught you. If you haven't, ask one before copying techniques from the internet. Beyond that, a few things are easy to try, as advice:

Practice in low-stakes spots before the high-stakes ones: ordering coffee, asking for directions, small talk with a regular at the gym. Rehearse the opening line you'd use on a first date out loud. Ask a friend to play the other person, and tell them to listen and not to correct you.

What a good listener does

The NIDCD's tips for talking with someone who stutters are written for parents of children who stutter, not for dates. Adapted loosely to adults, they come down to this: focus on what is being said, not how; don't interrupt; wait for the person to finish the word and don't complete their sentences; speak in a slightly slowed, relaxed way yourself; and talk openly about stuttering if the person raises it. That adaptation is ours, not the NIDCD's. If someone mocks you or rushes you, that says something about them, not about you.

Support and community

The National Stuttering Association (NSA) runs adult chapters across the US for people who stutter aged 18 and up. Parents, partners, friends and SLPs are welcome too. The NSA also runs a We Stutter@Work program with webinars and practice job interviews. Meeting other adults who stutter can remove a lot of the isolation. If you aren't in the US, search for a local stuttering association in your country.

If you worry that you're behind in dating because of how you speak, dating when you feel behind addresses that directly. Building real confidence covers confidence that doesn't depend on fluency.

What to do next

  1. Decide how you'll handle it on a first date: say it early, wait, or see how it goes. Write down the sentence you'd use.
  2. Say that sentence aloud ten times. Record it on your phone and listen once.
  3. Do one low-stakes conversation a day this week, like ordering coffee or asking a question in a shop.
  4. Try one NSA chapter meeting (in person or virtual) or an online group, and go twice before deciding.
  5. If you want help with your speech, book a consult with a speech-language pathologist.
  6. If anxiety about talking is heavy, see a doctor or therapist.
  7. After each conversation, write one thing that went fine. If you use Run Game, a session's notes are a place for it.

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