Run Game Conversation

Dating when you feel at a disadvantage

6 min read

The worry is real, and nobody can honestly tell you it doesn't matter at all. Income, looks, age and experience can all shape first impressions, and plenty of people feel behind on at least one. What research can tell you is narrower: how much those things seem to count in actual meetings, how badly we guess at our own preferences, and how much of the picture is outside them.

You're not alone in feeling it

In Pew Research Center's July 2022 survey of 6,034 U.S. adults, people who had used a dating site or app in the past year were asked how they felt about the messages they got. 64% of the men and 40% of the women said they sometimes or often felt insecure about getting too few. That's about online dating, not meeting people in person, and it's self-report. But it shows that feeling behind isn't rare, and it isn't limited to one group.

What the research says about looks and money

Two things are true at once.

They seem to count, on average, at first meeting. Eastwick and Finkel (2008, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) studied 163 undergraduates (81 women) at a speed-dating event, with a month of follow-up. The study found no difference between men and women in how the partners' attractiveness and earning prospects related to romantic interest. Selterman, Chagnon and MacKinnon (2015, SAGE Open) ran a replication with 307 participants. Interest was higher in partners seen as physically attractive and as good potential earners, and gender didn't change that.

People don't predict their own tastes well. In the same 2008 study, participants stated sex-differentiated preferences beforehand, but those stated preferences didn't predict who they actually felt drawn to at the event. The authors suggested people may lack insight into what drives their judgments.

The limits matter. These were young college students, in a short setting where first impressions carry a lot of weight. The studies measured interest in a person after a brief meeting, not who ends up in a lasting relationship. And they report averages and group patterns: they can't tell you what any one person will think of you. They don't show that looks and income are the whole story either. They show they're part of it, along with things the studies didn't test.

You probably come across better than you think

Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (2018, Psychological Science) ran five studies of strangers getting to know each other in labs and in real life, including college roommates. On average, people liked their conversation partner more than they believed the partner liked them. The researchers called it the "liking gap." Video analysis suggested people missed their partner's signs of interest. Per the researchers, it persisted over months among roommates. The study wasn't about dating, and its press release doesn't give sample sizes, so treat it as a reason to question your own read, not proof that you're doing fine.

If you're sure the other person is bored, you could be reading your own self-criticism. Stop needing approval covers that pattern.

Take the worry apart: what you control

"I'm behind" is vague. Breaking it into a specific item makes it workable. Here's how each common one looks in practice. This is advice, not research.

Money. You control how much a date costs. A walk, coffee or a shared hobby costs little, and nothing says an evening needs to be expensive. Dating on a budget lists specific options. People differ in how much weight they give income, and you can't change that. You can choose where you spend time meeting people and what you suggest for a first date.

Looks. Grooming, fit and posture are the changeable part. A haircut that suits you, clothes that fit and clean basics make up most of what's in your hands. How to be more attractive goes through these. Height is its own case, covered in dating as a shorter guy.

Experience. This one is the most fixable, because it comes from repetition. If you've never had a girlfriend or have little dating history, never had a girlfriend is written for that. A common approach is to be honest about it ("I haven't dated much"), say it once, calmly, if it comes up. You don't have to open with it.

Age. Older or younger than the people you're meeting, you can't change the number. You can choose where you meet people (events and groups with a mix of ages) and be clear about what you're looking for.

Start with small wins you can count

When you feel behind, big goals like "get a girlfriend" can backfire. They depend on someone else's reply and on timing. Small, countable ones don't. Dating goals you control goes into this. A few examples:

Each is within your control. Each also gives you real information about how people react, which is worth more than guessing.

What the worry can't tell you

Feeling behind tells you what you're afraid of. It doesn't tell you what a specific person will think. Some people will pass for reasons you can name (money, looks, age) and some for reasons you'll never know. Some will be interested in spite of them. With enough conversations, you start to see the real ratio, not the one in your head.

If the worry is taking over your days (not sleeping, avoiding people, constant comparison), talking to a counselor is a reasonable step. A doctor or a therapist can point you to options.

If you'd like a way to track small wins, Run Game lets you log each approach as a Success or a Rejected, with an optional note, and both count as approaches. Stats shows your totals and success rate.

What to do next

  1. Write down your specific worry in one line ("I earn less than most people I know," "I've never dated"). Vague worries stay big.
  2. Pick one thing from that line you can change this month, like a haircut, a hobby group, or a budget date idea, and book it.
  3. Set a count goal for two weeks: for example, five conversations with new people, or two first dates. Count conversations, not outcomes.
  4. After each one, note one thing that went fine, not just what went wrong.
  5. Check the liking gap: after a conversation, ask yourself what signals of interest you might have discounted (eye contact, follow-up questions, staying longer than needed).
  6. Review after two weeks: what actually happened compared to what you feared?

If this is on your mind, limiting beliefs about dating goes further.

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