Run Game Approaching

How to talk to someone on the bus or train

6 min read

Public transport is one of the hardest places to talk to a stranger, and one of the easiest to get wrong. The person next to you can't walk away without changing seats or getting off. They may have headphones in because they want the ride to themselves. Plenty of people on a bus or train are tired, running late or wary of unwanted attention.

So the most useful skill here is knowing when to say nothing. The second most useful is a remark so light that it works as a hello between neighbors, with no strings attached.

Why transit is a hard setting

Three things stack up. First, the other person is captive: they can't leave without a reason, so a conversation they don't want costs them more than it would on a sidewalk. Second, the ride is usually a task, a trip to work or class, and people use it to decompress. Third, public places already carry a lot of unwelcome contact for many people.

Some numbers, with their limits. A 2019 US national study (NORC at the University of Chicago, 1,182 women and 1,037 men, as summarized by the advocacy group Stop Street Harassment) found that 68% of women and 23% of men had experienced sexual harassment in a public place such as a street, store, park or restaurant. When mass transit and nightlife venues were added to the list of places, the figures were 71% and 28%. The summary doesn't give a transit-only number. A YouGov poll reported in January 2020 found that 55% of women, 21% of men and 39% of Londoners overall had experienced unwanted sexual behavior on London public transport. The published summary doesn't state the sample size or fieldwork dates, and "unwanted sexual behavior" covers a wide range from comments to assault.

None of that tells you what any one person on your train thinks. It does mean a stranger may have a guard up, and it's sensible to allow for that.

What the research says about talking to strangers

A well-known set of studies points the other way. In 2014, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder ran nine experiments, including with train and bus commuters coming into Chicago. Commuters were asked to talk to a stranger, sit in solitude or do whatever they normally would, then report how the ride felt. Those told to talk reported the most positive commutes. Another group predicted the opposite: they expected talking to be the worst option, and expected most strangers to rebuff them. Nobody who was told to chat was rebuffed.

The limits matter. Neither summary gives sample sizes, the results come from US cities, and people were assigned to talk by researchers, which isn't the same as a stranger deciding to approach you for a romantic reason. The authors also note the studies involved one-off conversations, not repeated contact, and that frequent commuters may avoid chatting because they don't want to get stuck talking to the same person every day.

A fair reading: ordinary friendly conversation on a commute is probably better received than people predict, and asking someone for a date on a train is a different request.

When to skip it entirely

A rule of thumb is to skip when any of these is true (it's advice, not a law):

Skipping is a normal outcome, not a failure.

Light remarks that fit

If the setting is calm and the person looks open (eyes up, relaxed, maybe glancing around), the lowest-pressure option is a remark about the shared situation. Not about them. Some examples:

Keep your voice low and your face friendly. Say it once. Then watch. A reply with a question back, a smile or a turn toward you is an open door. A short answer and a return to the phone is a closed one, and the right response is "thanks" and silence. Being direct can backfire anywhere, and on a train the other person has even fewer ways out.

You also don't need to treat every exchange as a pitch. Talking to a grandmother or the person holding the pole next to you about a delayed train is a decent way to practice the skill with no romantic stakes at all.

Leave an exit, and keep it short

Build in an easy way out before you start. Stand or sit so they aren't boxed in, and don't take the seat beside the window if they're on the aisle. Keep the first exchange under a minute. End it yourself with a line like "Anyway, I'll let you get back to your book." If they keep talking, great. If they don't, you've both had a pleasant moment.

If the conversation is going well and you'd like to see them again, ask while you're both still in your seats, with room for either answer: "I've enjoyed this. Would you want to grab a coffee sometime?" If you get a no or a maybe that sounds like a no, say "No worries, have a good one" and leave it there. Our guide to consent and respect covers reading that moment, and how to end a conversation well has more exit lines.

Don't follow someone off the train. Don't ride past your stop or change cars to keep talking. If the chat ends because one of you has to leave, you can say "Nice talking to you" and let them go.

Settings with an easier exit

Compared with a coffee shop, bookstore or gym, transit gives you fewer ways to read the room and the other person fewer ways to opt out. The situational approaches guide and day game cover places where people can step away easily. Parks, dog parks and grocery stores hand you a ready-made topic on top of that, and talking to someone at the gym covers another setting where people are often busy.

What to do next

  1. This week, say one friendly, non-romantic thing to a stranger on your commute, to anyone, on a day you feel fine. Count it.
  2. Write down your own skip list of three cues (for example, headphones, laptop, empty car after 9 pm) and follow it without exception.
  3. Rehearse one exit line out loud: "I'll let you get back to it."
  4. After any exchange, jot a note: where, what you said, how they responded, and whether you skipped something.
  5. After two weeks, read your notes. Look at the ratio of friendly exchanges to skips, and which settings felt better.

If you use Run Game, session notes are a good home for that skip list.

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