Run Game Conversation

Signs someone you're dating is losing interest

6 min read

The most common signs are a drop from how things used to be: replies get shorter and slower, she starts fewer conversations, plans get cancelled or left vague, and she makes less effort when you're together. Any one of these can have an ordinary cause, like a rough week, so the pattern over a few weeks matters more than a single day. The most reliable way to find out is to ask her directly and listen to the answer.

Compare her to herself, not to a rule

Everyone has a baseline. Someone who always texts in short bursts isn't losing interest because she sent four words. What you're looking for is change: she used to do something and now she doesn't. Write down, in your head or on paper, what "normal" looked like in the first month, then check what's different now.

Signs that show up in messages

If the texting is the only thing that's changed, dry texter or not interested is the better read. A person who is quiet on the phone and warm in person is a different case from someone who's cooling off everywhere.

Signs that show up in plans

Signs that show up in person

Why you can't read these as proof

All of these have innocent explanations: a hard stretch at work or school, family stress, health, low mood, a busy week, or her own worry about how serious things are getting. Some people withdraw when they're stressed and come back. Some are still interested but slow-moving.

Research suggests how easily signals get misread. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (Psychological Science, 2018) found across five studies that after conversations, people tended to underestimate how much their partners liked them, including among college roommates over several months. The authors attribute this to people focusing on their own awkward moments. That doesn't mean she is interested, and it was about liking after conversations, not dating. It's just a reason your read of a quiet week might be gloomier than the facts. (Based on a press summary, which doesn't give sample sizes.)

Another study shows how hard prediction is. Joel, Eastwick and Finkel (Psychological Science, 2017) ran machine-learning models on two speed-dating samples, using questionnaires on more than 100 traits and preferences, and found they could not predict which specific pairs would feel attracted to each other. That's about initial attraction, in a speed-dating setting, so it can't tell you whether any particular person is cooling off. It does support the idea that attraction is hard to read from the outside.

There's one piece of research about the small day-to-day signals in couples. John Gottman's six-year study of newlyweds found that couples who stayed married responded to each other's "bids" for attention and connection about 86 percent of the time, compared with about 33 percent for couples who later divorced (per the Gottman Institute). Those were married couples, not people on a few dates, and the finding is about long-term couples. It can't tell you what a short-term change means for you.

Check yourself first

Before assuming she's pulling away, ask:

If you've been sending a stream of texts, back off to a more even rhythm for a week and see what happens. How often to text someone you're dating has a few rules of thumb.

Ask directly, and listen

Guessing costs you weeks of worry. A direct, kind question usually costs one slightly awkward conversation. Best in person or on a call, not over text.

Some ways to say it:

Pick one, say it once, and then let her answer without interrupting or arguing.

If she says "I'm not feeling it"

That hurts. It's also useful, because now you aren't guessing.

If she says "I've just been overwhelmed, I do still like you," take her at her word, give her space and a plain way back: "No problem. Let me know when you're free." Then watch what she does in the next two weeks. Words and actions should line up.

If she doesn't answer at all, that is usually an answer too, even if it isn't how you'd have wanted to hear it. See signs she's not interested for how to read silence and move on, and signs a date went well for the opposite case.

What to do next

  1. Write down 3 changes you've noticed, with dates. If you can't name three, you may be overreading.
  2. Rule out the ordinary causes. Ask a friendly question about how her week is going.
  3. Even out your texting for 7 days: reply at her pace, one question per message at most.
  4. Have the direct conversation within a week or two, in person or by call, using one of the lines above.
  5. Set your own limit. If she cancels twice in a row with no new plan, stop initiating for a couple of weeks.
  6. Keep your own life going. Plans with friends, a workout, a hobby. It's easier to hear a hard answer if you have other things going on.

Sources