Run Game Conversation

Money, career and dating: how much it matters

6 min read

Does money matter in dating? Depends who you ask and how you ask. Surveys about what people say is important point one way, lab studies of who people actually click with point another, and none of it tells you what one specific person will think of you. So the useful question is smaller: what can you do about work and money that's honest and helps a conversation?

What surveys say people value

In August 2017, Pew Research Center surveyed 4,971 US adults. About 71% said it's very important for a man to be able to support a family financially to be a good husband or partner. Men and women answered almost the same (72% and 71%). About 32% said the same of a woman. On that second question the genders split: a quarter of men said it was very important for a woman, against 39% of women.

Two limits matter here. The question was about being a good husband or partner, not about who someone would go on a date with. And it measures what people say about roles. In the same survey, 86% said it's very important for men to be caring and compassionate, and 90% said the same for women, a higher share than any money question.

In January 2023, Pew asked 5,152 adults a different question: what do most men prefer in marriage? About 48% said most men would rather earn more than their wife. That's a belief about other people, not a measurement of anyone's preference.

What studies of stated preferences find

A 2020 study in Psychological Science (Walter and colleagues) collected answers from 14,399 people in 45 countries. It found that, on average, women rated partners with good financial prospects higher than men did, and men rated attractive, younger partners higher than women did. Those are group averages, so they say little about any one person. The study used questionnaires, so it records what people report wanting, not who they end up dating.

What happens when people actually meet

A well-known 2008 study by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel compared the two. Before a speed-dating event, 163 Northwestern undergraduates (81 women, 82 men) said what they wanted in a partner, and they showed the usual pattern: women put more weight on earning prospects, men on physical attractiveness. After the event, though, the link between a partner's rated earning prospects and the participant's romantic interest didn't differ between men and women. The authors also found that what people said they wanted beforehand didn't predict who they actually liked.

The authors list the limits themselves. Everyone was an undergraduate at one midwestern private university, all were willing to try speed dating, and they say it would be "a tremendous stretch" to conclude these traits never matter differently. A separate replication with 307 participants found the same thing: both genders were more interested in partners they saw as attractive and as good earners. Its authors still note limits and related work that points other ways. Read together: evidence is mixed, and it depends on whether you measure stated preferences or in-person reactions. The wider evidence on what people look for in a partner points the same way.

What that means for you

Nobody can tell you "women want X." Research on groups describes averages, and you're going on a date with an individual. A more practical reading:

How to talk about work

Questions about what you do come up early, and there are short answers for most situations in what to say when she asks what you do. A few approaches that tend to go well:

For money on the date itself, see dating on a budget and who pays on a first date. If you want better questions for the conversation, first date questions has a list. Having things to talk about outside work is its own skill; how to be interesting covers it.

Staying on track while you date

The unglamorous part: dating takes time and some money, and a job, school or training that you're moving forward on also makes life steadier. A common piece of advice is to get the basics steady first so dating isn't squeezed in around a crisis. That's a rule of thumb, not a requirement. You can date while you're broke or job hunting. A free walk, a coffee for a few dollars or a long conversation on a bench costs almost nothing. And if you're putting off dating until your income looks a certain way, set a date for it so "someday" doesn't become the plan.

Building real confidence covers the self-worth side, which doesn't depend on a pay stub.

What to do next

  1. Write a two-sentence answer to "what do you do?" that's true and has one detail she could ask about. Say it out loud three times.
  2. If you're between jobs or studying, add a sentence about what's next (a course, a search, a project).
  3. Pick one inexpensive plan you'd be happy with, such as a 45-minute coffee or a walk, and keep it ready for your next first date.
  4. On your next date, ask about her work and follow up on one thing she says before you talk about yours.
  5. If money is stressing you out, set a weekly 30-minute slot for job applications, a class or a budget, so it doesn't take over the rest of the week.
  6. If you log approaches in Run Game, use the optional note to jot down how work came up and which answer felt most natural.

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