Run Game Approaching

How to meet people through community groups, clubs and faith groups

6 min read

Community groups work because people already have something in common before they meet: a belief, a hobby, a cause or a language they're learning. Pick a group you'd enjoy even if you met nobody, show up regularly, take part in what the group does, and be honest if you become interested in someone. That works for a church, mosque, temple or secular congregation, a book club, a chess club, a neighborhood association or a language exchange.

Why groups are a different way to meet

Before dating apps, much of dating happened through groups: family, neighbors, school, congregations and friends of friends. Rosenfeld, Thomas and Hausen (2019) used nationally representative US surveys, How Couples Meet and Stay Together 2009 and 2017, to track how couples met. They reported that for heterosexual couples, meeting online passed meeting through friends around 2013, and that meeting through family, church, the neighborhood and school had been declining since 1940. In 2017 about 39% of heterosexual couples who met that year had met online. The data covers couples who already formed, asked retrospectively, and is about how couples met, not about which route works best for you.

So groups are now one path among several, not the default. They have their own pros and cons.

Groups and clubs Apps and cold approaches
Pace Slow, built over weeks Can be fast
Information You see how people behave over time Little to go on at first
Pool Small, limited to who joined Large
Pressure Lower, since there's a purpose Higher, since meeting is the purpose
Social risk A bad outcome affects a shared space Usually contained

The table is a set of general tendencies, not research findings. Neither route is better in general, and plenty of people do both.

Types of groups

Faith groups

Churches, mosques, synagogues, temples and gurdwaras, along with secular or humanist groups, all run regular gatherings, volunteer projects, classes and social events. If the beliefs are yours, these can be a natural community. If they aren't, groups differ in how they feel about visitors who come mainly to meet someone, so it's worth asking an organizer what's welcome. Plenty of groups welcome curious newcomers, and you'll find out more by asking than assuming.

Hobby and interest clubs

Book clubs, chess clubs, photography walks, hiking groups, board game societies, choirs, improv classes and maker spaces all fit here. These are the most flexible. Meeting people through hobbies goes into this in more detail.

Civic and volunteer groups

Neighborhood associations, community gardens, mutual aid groups, political and issue-based groups, and charity committees. Everyone is working on something, so there's constant natural talk. See meeting people by volunteering.

Language exchanges

Language exchange meetups pair people who want to practice each other's languages, often with a time split: half in one language, half in the other. They tend to be social and international, and the structure makes talking easy. You have a built-in question ("how do you say...?") and a reason to come back each week.

How to join and fit in

  1. Pick one group you'd enjoy without any romantic payoff. If you'd be bored in it, it won't last.
  2. Check the basics. Look at the group's page for how often it meets, who it's for and whether newcomers are welcome. Many have an organizer or greeter you can message first.
  3. Go three times before you decide. One visit is too little to judge.
  4. Say a short intro when asked: your name, what brought you, one line about you. "I'm new in the area and wanted to find a regular activity."
  5. Take a role. Set up chairs, bring snacks, run a small task. Being useful makes you known fast.
  6. Learn how the group runs. Some have strict customs: dress codes, who speaks when, how people greet each other. Watch first and follow.

For more on starting from scratch, see how to build a friend group.

Talking to people there

You don't need smooth openers. The activity supplies the topics.

Epley and Schroeder (2014) had Chicago-area commuters chat with a stranger, sit quietly or keep their routine. Those who talked reported a happier trip, although a separate group predicted the opposite. This is based on a summary, not the paper, so sample sizes and statistics aren't available. It was commuters in one city, so it doesn't say how well a group conversation goes. But it suggests people can be more receptive to a chat than you'd predict.

How to make small talk has more lines for early conversations.

Respect the group's norms

Every group has unwritten rules:

Being honest about your interest

If you become interested in someone, simple honesty works best.

How to ask someone out and consent and respect cover the asking and the boundaries.

What to do next

  1. List three groups near you that match something you already like: a hobby, a belief, a cause, a language.
  2. Go to one meeting this week. Arrive ten minutes early and introduce yourself to an organizer.
  3. Commit to three meetings before judging.
  4. Take one small role in the first month.
  5. Ask two people one question about the group's history or what they like about it.
  6. Ask a person or small group to coffee after a few weeks, as friends first.

If you use Run Game, the forum's "Where to go" topic is a place to ask where other people meet, and a session's notes can hold what you learned at a group.

Sources