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Long-distance relationships that last

6 min read

Distance on its own doesn't settle whether a relationship works. In one survey of 647 young adults (university psychology students in Canada), people in long-distance relationships reported about the same satisfaction as people who lived near their partners. The studies below have limits, and they say little about what separates the couples who last from the ones who don't. Still, they point to a few habits worth building.

What the research says (and its limits)

Holtzman, Kushlev, Wozny and Godard (2021), in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, surveyed 647 people aged 18 to 25 who were dating or partnered. They were drawn from a larger sample of 1,496 students at a Canadian university, and 36.5% were in a long-distance relationship. Satisfaction was nearly identical between long-distance and close-by couples. Long-distance partners texted, called and video chatted more. More frequent and more responsive texting went with higher satisfaction in the long-distance group but not in the close-by group. How often couples made voice calls went with satisfaction for the close-by group but not the long-distance one, and video calls weren't linked to satisfaction in either group. The data were a single survey, so it shows associations, not cause. The sample was recruited from one university's psychology subject pool, and was mostly women (about 74%), heterosexual (about 94%) and white (about 72%), so it may not describe you.

Jiang and Hancock (2013), in the Journal of Communication, used a diary study. Long-distance and close-by dating couples logged their daily interactions: 876 diaries covering 3,024 interactions. Long-distance couples reported fewer interactions per day, more of them through phones and screens, and more intimacy. The authors attribute that to two things: more self-disclosure, and more idealized views of the partner. A university press summary quotes Jiang saying these couples "try harder" to communicate affection.

Idealizing your partner has a flip side. As Pacific Standard describes it, Stafford and Merolla (2007) found that long-distance couples who idealized each other the most were the least stable once they reunited and lived in the same place. They suggested a "Goldilocks" level of idealization: not too little, not too much. The article doesn't give that study's sample size, so treat it as one finding, not a rule.

So the evidence is mixed and mostly about students and young adults. It says distance doesn't doom a relationship. It also says the move to living together is a separate test.

Build a rhythm you can keep

A common approach is to pick a routine that fits both schedules and survives a busy week. A few things couples tend to set up:

If you're unsure how much to text versus call, phone call or text covers when each one fits.

Plan the visits

Visits are the part you can schedule, so schedule them. Put the next one on the calendar before the current one ends. Many couples find the gap between visits is easier to bear with a date in sight. Stafford and Merolla's reunion finding is a reason to make visits ordinary as well as special: cook, run errands, have a bad day together. One reasonable reading of that finding is that seeing each other in regular life narrows the gap between the version you've imagined and the person who's there.

Money and time matter here. Agree who travels when, and what happens if one person is carrying more of the cost. It's a short conversation now and an expensive resentment later.

Agree on an end date, or at least a direction

This one is advice, not research. A common suggestion is to know roughly how the distance ends. That might be a date, a job search with a deadline, or a point where one of you relocates. A plan doesn't need to be exact. "We'll talk about it again in March" is better than no conversation at all.

Questions worth answering together:

  1. Is one of us willing to move, and who, and when?
  2. What would we need (a job, a lease ending, finishing school)?
  3. If it doesn't work out by a set point, what do we do?

If one person has a firm answer and the other doesn't, you've learned something real. It's better to find out in month three than month thirty.

Trust and jealousy

Distance leaves gaps, and the mind fills gaps with worst cases. A few approaches people use:

When to decide

Not every long-distance relationship should continue. Signs worth taking seriously: one of you has stopped making an effort and doesn't respond to a direct conversation about it, the end date keeps moving with no reason given, you dread calls more than you look forward to them, or you can't picture a version where you live in the same place. None of those is a verdict on its own. Several together are a reason to have the conversation soon.

Ending it is allowed. So is continuing with a firm plan. And if it ends, getting over a breakup covers the first weeks.

What to do next

  1. Pick two fixed call times this week and one backup slot. Put them in both calendars.
  2. Book the next visit before you hang up, even if it's two months away. Agree on who's traveling and how you'll split costs.
  3. Ask the direction question in the next two calls: "Where do you see this heading in the next year?" Listen to the answer without arguing.
  4. Pick one thing to share daily (a photo, a voice note, one line about your day) for two weeks.
  5. Write down one worry and say it to your partner plainly this week, with a request attached.
  6. Set a check-in date three to six months out to talk about the plan and whether it's still working for both of you.

It pairs well with being a good partner.

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