Run Game Conversation

How to take a compliment without deflecting

5 min read

Say "thanks," and then stop, or add one short line that gives the other person something to pick up. "Thanks, I got it on a trip last year" works. "Oh, this old thing, it's nothing" tends to end the moment, because it tells the person their opinion was wrong. Taking a compliment well takes about two seconds and a bit of practice at not squirming.

Why deflecting feels natural

A compliment puts you in an odd spot. Agreeing out loud ("yeah, I look good") feels like bragging, so you reach for the opposite: "no, no, it's old," "I just threw it on," "you should see me in the morning." That reflex comes from politeness. It still has a side effect. The person who complimented you took a small social risk, and you just told them they misjudged.

A few common deflections and what they can sound like to the giver:

What you say What it can sound like
"Oh, it's nothing." "Your opinion doesn't count."
"Stop, I look terrible." "Now please reassure me again."
"You too!" (instantly, flat) "I didn't really take that in."
A joke that trashes yourself "I'm uncomfortable, change the subject."
Silence and a shrug "That was awkward for me."

None of these are crimes. They're habits. But if you want the exchange to feel warm, there's an easier route.

The simple version

Three moves, in order of effort:

  1. A plain thanks. "Thanks." "Thank you, that's kind." Said while looking at them, not at the floor.
  2. Thanks plus a detail. "Thanks, my sister picked it out." "Thanks, I've been working on that one for months." It gives them a way to keep talking.
  3. Thanks plus a question. "Thanks, do you play too?" Useful when the compliment was about something you do, like a skill, a joke or a hobby.

You don't need a clever line. A short, sincere response reads as relaxed, and relaxed reads as confident. That's advice, not a rule backed by a study. If you want more on the underlying habit, building real confidence covers the long game.

What the research says (and doesn't)

One set of studies looked at the giver's side. Boothby and Bohns ran five experiments (published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin) and found that people who give compliments underestimate how positive the receiver will feel, and overestimate how awkward or bothered the receiver will be. In one study, the givers' own nerves and worry about seeming competent drove the wrong guesses, while outside observers predicted the reactions accurately.

What that suggests for you as the receiver (an inference, not something the studies tested): the person who just complimented you may have felt a little nervous saying it, and a warm reply may land better than they expected. What it doesn't show: how any particular person feels about your reply, or anything about compliments in dating specifically. This is based on the abstract only, so sample sizes aren't given, and the studies were about genuine compliments in ordinary settings, not flirting.

A second, related finding: Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (Psychological Science, 2018) found across five studies that after a conversation, people tend to underestimate how much their partner liked them, a gap that held in lab conversations between strangers and for college roommates over several months. The authors attribute it to people focusing on their own awkward moments. That research is about liking in conversation, not about compliments. It doesn't say every compliment means romantic interest, though. For that, see signs of interest.

Specific situations

A compliment on your looks from someone you like. This is where people short-circuit. A line that works: "Thanks, that's nice to hear." Then ask something. The conversation needn't stall on the compliment.

A compliment on your work or skill. Credit people if it's true ("thanks, the team did a lot of it"), but don't use it as a way to disappear. "Thanks, I'm pleased with how it turned out" is fine.

A compliment that comes with a "but." Take the first half. "Thanks. And yes, I know the second half needs work" keeps your footing without a fight.

A compliment that feels off. Sometimes a remark about your body, from a stranger, doesn't feel like a compliment. You don't owe a warm reply or a conversation. A neutral "thanks" and walking on is fine, and so is "I'd rather not talk about that."

You're flustered. Say so. "Ha, I never know what to say to that, but thank you." Honest awkwardness is often easier to be around than a polished dodge.

Returning a compliment honestly

Returning one is a nice gesture when it's true. The risk is the reflex version, "you too," which sounds like politeness paid back at once. Two things help:

If you can't think of anything true, skip it. Thanks is a complete answer.

When you're the one complimenting

The same research suggests you're likely to underrate how good a compliment feels to hear. If you've been holding one back, a short, specific, low-pressure version is usually fine: say it, don't wait for a reaction, and don't fish for a reply. How to compliment a girl goes through what to say and how to say it. And if you're still working on being at ease in conversation generally, be yourself around girls and how to be charismatic are good next reads. For the flirting side, see flirting on a first date.

What to do next

  1. Pick your default today. Write down one reply you'll use for a compliment ("Thanks, that's kind") so you aren't improvising under pressure.
  2. Practice on easy ones. The next time a friend or coworker compliments you, answer with thanks and one detail. Do that 5 times this week.
  3. Catch the deflection. Notice when you say "it's nothing." Over a week, count how many times it happens.
  4. Try one honest return. In the next 3 days, give one specific compliment you mean, unprompted.
  5. Say "thanks" slower. Pause for one breath before you answer. It stops the automatic dodge.

Sources