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Flirting at work: where the line is

6 min read

Flirting at work is common, and whether it's okay depends on three things: whether the other person welcomes it, who has power over whom, and what your employer's rules say. Light, mutual friendliness between peers is where most of it lives. The line is crossed when someone doesn't welcome it, when it continues after they signal they don't, or when there's a boss-employee gap that makes saying no costly.

This post describes how researchers and agencies draw the line, and some practical ways to stay on the right side of it. It's general information, not legal advice, and your company's policy may be stricter than the law.

How common is it?

Common enough that you aren't unusual for thinking about it. In a January 2023 SHRM survey of 632 U.S. workers, 40% said they had flirted with a coworker. That's a single survey from an online panel with self-reported answers, and the press release doesn't say how "flirted" was defined.

Researchers have also tried to separate welcome flirting from harassment. A 2019 study led by Leah Sheppard at Washington State University surveyed workers in the U.S., Canada and the Philippines (the press release gives only "hundreds of participants" and doesn't list exact sample sizes). It measured flirtation (coy glances and compliments on appearance) and sexual storytelling (jokes and innuendo). Most employees were fairly neutral about the sexual storytelling and felt more positively about flirtation, and the researchers say flirtation made people feel good about themselves when it was enjoyed. Employees enjoyed flirtation from coworkers more than from supervisors, and the authors argued that strict zero-tolerance policies may send the message that all social-sexual behavior must be policed, including harmless forms. The lead researcher also warns that flirtation across a power imbalance risks being seen as sexual harassment. Those are the researchers' conclusions from surveys, and the release doesn't discuss limitations. It also doesn't mean any given person will welcome it.

Friendly versus flirty

The difference is in the target, the content and the reaction, not in a single type of remark. Here's a rough guide.

Friendly Flirty
Warm to most people Warmer to one person than to others
Talks about work, weekends, food, shows Compliments looks, lingers, asks personal questions
Happens in the open, in groups Happens one-on-one, or in a private channel
Fine if nothing comes back Needs a reply to continue

These are tendencies, and plenty of behavior sits in between. Friendly or flirting? goes through how to tell them apart from the receiving end, and how to flirt covers flirting in general. At work, the question to ask is the same one the rules ask: would they welcome this, and how would I know?

What the rules say

Workplace conduct rules center on "unwelcome." The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) defines harassment as "unwelcome conduct" based on traits such as sex, and lists "unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature" among the examples. It says the harasser can be a coworker as well as a supervisor, and that the law "doesn't prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious." Conduct becomes illegal when it's frequent or severe enough to create a hostile or offensive work environment, or when it leads to a firing or demotion.

Two points follow from that. First, "unwelcome" is about the other person's side of it, so meaning well doesn't settle anything. Second, many employers have conduct policies that are stricter than the legal minimum, so something that isn't illegal can still break a company rule. Read your handbook. Dating a coworker: company policies and what to check first covers what those usually say.

For context, in a Pew Research Center survey of 6,251 U.S. adults in early 2018, 59% of women and 27% of men said they had received unwanted sexual advances or verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature. That counted both work and non-work settings, so it can't tell you the share at work. It does show that a meaningful number of people have been on the receiving end, and that experiences differ by group, which is a reason to check rather than assume.

Reading whether it's welcome

You can't read minds, but you can watch for signals. As a rule of thumb, signs it's welcome and mutual include that they:

Signs it isn't are often quieter and easy to miss:

If you see the second list, stop and go back to work talk. That's not a rejection of you as a person. It's information. One missed signal that you correct right away is a very different thing from continuing after it.

What to avoid

A few things make workplace flirting more likely to land badly:

What to do instead

If you like someone, you don't need to flirt in the office to find out. A few alternatives:

A no, a deflection or a lack of response means stop. You don't need an explanation, and it doesn't need a follow-up. A coworker said no covers the days after.

If someone flirts with you and you don't want it

You don't owe anyone a response. Short and calm usually works: "I'd rather keep things about work." Repeat it if needed. If it continues, you can tell a manager or HR, and write down what happened, with dates and what was said. The EEOC's harassment page says anti-discrimination laws also prohibit retaliation against people who file a charge or take part in an investigation. Check your company's process.

What to do next

  1. Read your company's conduct policy this week, especially the sections on harassment and personal relationships.
  2. Treat your warmth as general, not aimed at one person, at least until you know how they feel.
  3. Notice their response to any personal comment, and drop the subject if it's flat.
  4. Keep flirting off work channels and out of meetings and group settings.
  5. If you're interested, build ordinary contact for two or three weeks, then ask once, in private, for something outside work.
  6. If you get a quiet no, go back to work talk, and don't bring it up again.

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