Run Game Approaching

How to meet people at a bar when you don't drink

Updated 5 min read

You can talk to girls at a bar when you don't drink. Many people won't look closely at what's in your glass, so ordering something that looks like a drink often keeps the question from coming up. (Bars are 21+ in the US, so this is for guys who are old enough to be there.)

The rest is about energy. Alcohol takes the edge off for a lot of people, so if you skip it, you need a few other ways to get loose. That's what this covers.

You're not the odd one out

Young adults in the US are drinking less than they used to. Gallup, in a report published in August 2023, found that 62% of adults aged 18 to 34 said they drink in 2021 to 2023, down from 72% in 2001 to 2003. Gallup's July phone polls ask whether people "ever have occasion to use alcoholic beverages." Each figure pools three years of surveys, and the recent group is 598 young adults.

That leaves roughly four in ten adults in that age range who say they don't drink. They have different reasons: driving, training, recovery, or just not liking it. A sober guy at a bar isn't unusual.

A note on the search "sober dating": a lot of people mean something different from you, which is dating in recovery. If that's you, your recovery and your support people come first, and a bar may not be the right setting at all. The non-bar options below may suit you better. Everything else here applies to people who simply don't drink, or are skipping it for a night.

What to order

Pick something that looks like it belongs in a bar and that you actually like.

Order it in a short glass with ice, the way anyone orders a mixed drink.

What to say if someone asks

Most people won't. If they do, a short, relaxed answer ends the topic.

That last one is the best, because it moves straight to her. You don't owe an explanation, and a long one makes it a bigger deal than it is. If someone keeps pushing after a plain no, that's a reason to leave the conversation, not to defend yourself.

Getting energy without alcohol

A 2023 lab study by Molly Bowdring and Michael Sayette tested the "beer goggles" idea on 36 men aged 21 to 27. After alcohol, the men rated people's attractiveness the same as they did after a non-alcoholic drink. But they were more likely to pick the most attractive people as ones they'd want to interact with later. It's a small study of men only, but the authors read it as "liquid courage" rather than a change in how people look: less hesitation. That study didn't test other ways of loosening up, so the tips below are common advice, not research findings. Night game covers the bar routine itself.

Arrive earlier. A room at 8:00 is usually quieter than at 11:30, so you can hear each other without shouting.

Pick a better bar. A place with seating, a terrace, a game table or a quiz night is easier to talk in than a packed club. Trivia night is great: you've got a topic and a team.

Warm up before you leave. Talk to the barista on the way, say hello to a neighbor, or call a friend. Warming up before your first approach has a routine that takes ten minutes. Music, a walk, a quick workout and a decent meal all help.

Set a small target. One conversation with someone new in the first 30 minutes. That's it. Once the first one's done, the rest are easier.

Leave when you're done. You're sober, so you can tell when the night has stopped working. Go home at 10:30 if you want.

Meeting people when it's not about drinks

A bar is one place among many. The best places to meet people lists daytime spots and activities, and these also work well if you don't drink:

You get something to do with your hands and something to talk about. A shared activity gives you a topic.

Inviting someone to a date that isn't drinks

You've met someone and you want to see her again. Drinks is the default first date, but it doesn't have to be.

Try:

If she suggests a bar, you can say, "Sure, I'll come. I'm not drinking, but I'll find something good on the menu." A short sentence is enough. First date ideas has more, and micro-dates are 20-minute first dates that take the pressure off entirely.

What to do next

  1. Choose your drink before you go. Soda water with lime is the easy default.
  2. Write one line for when someone asks why you're not drinking, and say it out loud twice.
  3. Arrive before 9:00 and give yourself 30 minutes to start one conversation.
  4. Do a ten-minute warm-up before you go out: music, a walk, and one chat with a stranger on the way.
  5. This week, try one non-bar place from the list above and talk to one person there.
  6. Suggest a first date that isn't drinks the next time you ask someone out.

If you want company, Run Game's Map has a "Near you" view with live sessions and plans to go out within 50 miles; you can post your own or ask to join someone's. Log your approaches in Run Game as Success or Rejected, with a note on the venue and the hour, so you can see which places work for you.

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