Run Game Practice

Do you like her, or are you just lonely?

6 min read

You can tell by whether your interest is about her or about having someone. If you can describe things you like about her that have nothing to do with being single, and you're curious about her answers, you probably like her. If the feeling spikes when you're alone and fades once you have company, loneliness is doing some of the work. Often it's both, and that's allowed. The aim is to know which one is driving, so you can handle each properly.

Both can be true

Loneliness and attraction aren't opposites. Plenty of people meet someone they really like during a stretch when they're lonely, and the company is one of the things they like about the relationship.

It helps to know how common the lonely part is. The NHS says "Most people feel lonely sometimes, for many different reasons," and that many people feel lonely even in a relationship or around friends and family. So feeling the gap doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, and it doesn't mean your interest in her is fake.

The problem comes when loneliness picks the person. Then you're attached to what she gives you (a reply, a plan on Saturday) more than to who she is. That tends to show up as intensity out of proportion to how well you know her.

Five checks to run

None of these is a scientific test. They're prompts for an honest minute with your notes app.

1. Describe her without the situation. Write five things you like about her that aren't "she's attractive," "she replied" or "she's available." What does she care about? What did she say that stuck with you? If you get three or four specifics, that's a good sign. If you're stuck at "she's nice," you may not know her well enough yet to tell, which is fine at the start.

2. The swap test. Imagine your best friend, or a good group, was free every evening this week. Would you still want to see her? If yes, it's about her. If the interest drops, some of it was about company.

3. When does it spike? Notice the timing. If you think about her mostly at 11 p.m. on a Sunday, or after a bad day, or when your feed shows couples, that points toward loneliness. If you think about her at random during a good day ("she'd like this place"), that points toward her.

4. Are you curious or are you hoping? Curiosity sounds like questions: what's she like when she's stressed, what's she doing this weekend. Hoping sounds like scripts in your head about what she should say or do for you. Both are normal. Mostly hoping suggests you're attached to an idea of her.

5. Would you want her to be happy if it didn't include you? If she told you she'd decided to move cities or start dating someone else, would your first feeling be disappointment, or panic about being alone again? Disappointment is a normal response to liking someone. Panic points to the loneliness.

What the research says about it

A set of studies led by Stephanie Spielmann at the University of Toronto and colleagues (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, December 2013) looked at fear of being single. The University of Toronto's news summary (the only source read, not the full paper) gives no sample sizes. It describes several samples of North American adults, including undergraduates and community members, ages 17 to 78. People who feared being single more were likelier to stay in unhappy relationships and to want to date people who weren't good for them. Men and women showed similar levels of concern. The summary calls fear of being single a predictor of settling, which is an association, and the samples leaned toward university-affiliated people. It says nothing about whether you like someone right now, but it suggests why the check matters: a strong fear of being alone can push choices that you'd make differently with company.

Treat loneliness as its own problem

If check 2, 3 or 5 hit home, you don't need to stop liking her. You do need to put some of the load somewhere else, because one person can't be your whole social life without it getting heavy for both of you.

The NHS suggests talking to a friend, relative or professional, and joining a group or class built around something you enjoy. Its Every Mind Matters page adds staying in regular contact with people (group chats count), filling time with things you like such as outdoors, exercise or reading, and inviting someone to a free or cheap local event. The NHS also advises against using alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to ease loneliness, since they can make mental health worse.

In practice that means a few weekly fixed points that aren't dates: a gym class, a pickup game, a weekly call with a friend, a club. Loneliness in your 20s covers this in more detail, and how to make friends as a guy and how to build a friend group give specific steps.

If you've felt low for more than two weeks, the NHS suggests seeing a GP. In England you can also self-refer to NHS talking therapies without a GP. In the US, a primary care doctor or a licensed therapist is a starting point.

Being honest with her

You don't owe anyone a full account of your inner life on a second date. But a few things are fair:

Ready for a relationship covers wanting a person versus wanting not to be alone, including the Toronto research above.

What to do next

  1. Write down five specifics about her that don't mention her availability or looks. Count how many you can fill in.
  2. Run the swap test: picture a full week of friends and activities, and ask if you'd still want to see her.
  3. Track the timing for one week. Each time you think of her, note the time and your mood in two words.
  4. Set up two recurring non-date plans this week, such as a Tuesday gym session and a Thursday call, with dates in your calendar.
  5. If you've felt low for more than two weeks, book a GP or primary care visit.

If you use Run Game, the Map's "Near you" shows live sessions and plans within 50 miles that you can ask to join, and the forum has city boards. Both are ways to add company that isn't a date.

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