Run Game Practice

Depression, stress and anger: how they affect dating

6 min read

Low mood, stress and anger don't stay at home when you go on a date. They change your energy, how patient you are, and whether you want to leave the house at all. This post covers how that tends to show up, a few small steps the NHS suggests, and when to talk to someone qualified. It's general information, not medical advice, and it can't tell you what you're dealing with. A doctor or licensed clinician can.

If you're in the US and you're in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or call 911 in an emergency. Outside the US, use your local emergency number or crisis line. In the UK, Samaritans is on 116 123.

What these states can look like

Dating asks for energy, curiosity and patience. Each of the three can take those away in a different way. The lists below come from NHS pages on each, and they're lists of possibilities, not a checklist for diagnosing yourself.

Signs the NHS lists
Depression Ongoing low mood, loss of interest or motivation, irritability and intolerance of others, low energy, disturbed sleep, avoiding friends and joining fewer social activities
Stress Trouble concentrating, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, sleeping or eating more or less than usual, avoiding certain places or people
Anger Feeling tense and easily irritated, resentment, a faster heartbeat, shouting or sulking, starting fights

Notice the overlap. Irritability appears on all three lists. The US National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) also names "anger, irritability, or aggressiveness" among symptoms that can show up in men with mental health conditions. It adds that men are less likely than women to have received mental health treatment in the past year. Those are group figures, and they say nothing about you in particular.

How it can spill into dating

These are patterns people commonly describe, not rules. Your own version may look different.

Small steps that are on the table

The NHS offers general self-help for each of these. None of it replaces treatment. All of it is small on purpose.

  1. Pause before you react. For anger, the NHS suggests pausing before you react, using slow counting and calming breathing exercises. In a conversation, it also works to take a sip of water or say "give me a second." (It's the same skill as staying composed when emotions run high on a date.)
  2. Move. The NHS names exercise (walking, swimming, yoga) as a way to relieve stress and anger, and "be physically active" is one of its five steps to mental wellbeing. You don't need hours at a gym.
  3. Keep one connection alive. Another of the five steps is connecting with people, and the NHS adds that texting or social media shouldn't be the only way. One standing coffee with a friend counts.
  4. Set small goals and focus on what you can change. The NHS suggests small, achievable goals for stress and anger. In dating terms, that can mean "one conversation this week" instead of "get a girlfriend."
  5. Skip the coping crutches. The NHS advises against using alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to cope with stress or anger, because they can make mental health worse.
  6. Talk about it. The NHS suggests talking to someone uninvolved, such as a friend or a GP.

When to scale dating back

Dating is optional, and a pause is a legitimate choice. If you notice that a date would only be going through the motions, or you'd likely be short with the other person, postponing is kinder to both of you than showing up depleted. Telling someone "I'm having a rough week, can we move it?" is honest and usually enough. Dating burnout covers the point where taking a break makes sense and how to restart. And if one person is acting abusively or violently when angry, the NHS says to get help, and it lists organizations such as the Respect Men's Advice Line for that.

When to talk to a professional

The NHS says to see a GP if you have symptoms of depression for most of the day, every day, for more than 2 weeks. For anger, it says to get help if you're struggling to cope, your self-help isn't working, or you're acting abusively or violently. It also notes that a short low patch isn't necessarily depression.

In England you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies for conditions like anxiety and depression without a GP referral, if you're registered with a GP and 18 or over (16 or over in some areas). In the US, NIMH describes talk therapy and medication as treatment options for depression, and the 988 line above is open any time. Therapy for guys walks through what a first session is like and how to find someone. If you're managing a long-term condition and wondering when to tell a date, dating with a health condition goes through the timing. If isolation is part of it, loneliness in your 20s looks at that side.

What to do next

  1. Name today's baseline. Write one line: low, flat, tense, angry, or okay. Do it for a week. Patterns show up faster on paper.
  2. Pick one small movement. A 20-minute walk, three times this week. Put it in your calendar.
  3. Keep one social plan that isn't a date. A friend, a class or a run club. See loneliness in your 20s for ideas.
  4. Write your pause line. Something like "let me think about that and reply later." Use it the next time you feel your temper rise.
  5. Check the 2-week mark. If low mood has been there most of the day, every day, for over two weeks, or irritability or anger isn't easing with self-help, book a GP or doctor's appointment, or look at therapy options.
  6. Lower the bar for dating while you do this. Aim for one short, easy conversation a week. If you log your approaches in Run Game, the notes field is a place to jot how you felt that day next to what happened.

Sources