How to meet people in a new city
If you've moved to a new city and know nobody, a simple, if boring, approach is to pick two or three places you can return to every week, and go. One great night out won't do it. Repetition does, because the same faces turn into names, and names turn into invitations.
Plan on a slow start. There's some research on how slow.
How long it actually takes
In 2018, Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas published two studies on how many hours it takes to make a friend. The first surveyed 355 adults who had moved within the previous six months and were looking for friends in their new home. The second followed 112 college freshmen. Combining the two, his estimates were about 40 to 60 hours together to become a casual friend, 80 to 100 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours for a close friend. Time spent hanging out and joking around counted. Hours spent working together counted for less.
Two limits are worth knowing. These are people's own survey answers, not recordings of what happened. And they're averages, so some friendships form faster. The second study was freshmen, not adults moving for work. Still, they set a realistic target: in your first month you're not building a friend group, you're building the conditions for one. That means a lot of hours with the same people, in a relaxed setting.
Why where you live and go matters
A classic piece of research on this is the Westgate housing study by Leon Festinger, Stanley Schachter and Kurt Back, done at MIT around 1950. As summarized on Wikipedia, residents who lived near a staircase had more friends on other floors than residents who lived farther from it. The general idea, the propinquity effect, is that people tend to befriend those they run into often. The same article cites later research (Norton, Frost and Ariely, 2007) suggesting that repeated negative encounters make liking far less likely.
It's an old study of one kind of housing, so don't treat it as a promise. But it supports a simple habit: be somewhere regularly. Your building, your block, your local café and your gym all count.
Your first month, week by week
Week 1: choose your anchors. Pick one recurring thing outside your home, such as a weekly class, a run or walking group, a pickup sports night, a board-game night, or a volunteer shift. Also pick one "regular" spot, like a coffee shop or a gym, and go at the same time on the same days. Walk your neighborhood once and say hello to anyone you pass twice.
Week 2: add a second anchor. Choose something different from the first, so you're not putting everything into one group. Learn three names in each place. If you live in a building, introduce yourself to the neighbor across the hall with something small: "Hi, I'm Sam, I just moved into 4B."
Week 3: send your first invite. Pick the person you've talked to most and make a concrete, low-key offer. "A few of us are getting tacos after this. Want to come?" is easier to accept than "we should hang out sometime." If they can't, offer one alternative and then leave it.
Week 4: review. Count the places where you got a real conversation. Keep the ones that did, replace the one that didn't, and book next month's dates in your calendar.
Where to look
None of these is the single right answer. Each trades off effort, speed and how often you'll see the same people.
| Source | Good for | Cost or catch |
|---|---|---|
| Weekly class, club or league | Seeing the same people for weeks | Slow to start, needs commitment |
| Work or school | Built-in daily contact | Mixing work and dating or friendship can get complicated |
| Neighbors | Easy repeat contact | Hit or miss who lives near you |
| Friends and family of friends | Warm introductions | You have to ask |
| Friend-finding apps and event sites | Lots of one-off meetups, quick | Many events are one-and-done, so you may need to pick a regular one |
| Volunteering | Shared purpose, steady crew | Less social chatter during the task |
You can use several. The key is that at least one of them repeats weekly.
Ask the people you already know
This is the most overlooked source. Message former classmates, coworkers, and friends of friends: "I just moved to [city]. Do you know anyone here, or any spot worth checking out?" Someone will have a cousin, a former roommate or a favorite bar. A warm intro skips the awkward first hour. Hosting a small hangout later is a good way to pay it back and widen your circle.
Lines that work in a new place
Being new is an easy opening, because everyone has moved or arrived somewhere at some point.
- "I just moved here a few weeks ago. What's the thing I shouldn't miss?"
- "Is this your regular spot? What do you usually order?"
- "I'm new to the group. Does everyone go for food after?"
- To a neighbor: "I'm still figuring out the area. Where do you get groceries?"
Ask, listen, and follow up the next time: "Did you try that place?" That second conversation is what turns an acquaintance into someone who knows you.
And dating in a new city
Moving gives you a fresh start and a smaller circle at the same time. A common approach is to let the friend-making plan carry your dating life too: classes, run clubs and group activities put you in front of people regularly, with no pressure on any single conversation. See best places to meet people for a longer list.
Dating apps are one fair option when you don't know anyone, since they let you reach many people quickly, while meeting people through repeated places is slower but keeps putting you in front of the same people. Social circle vs cold approach and online dating vs cold approach compare the tradeoffs. If you want someone to head out with, how to find a wingman covers that.
Don't go into a friend group looking at everyone as a prospect. People can often tell, and it can change how they act around you. A no from anyone, friend or date, means you stop and stay friendly.
Loneliness in the first months is common
Feeling lonely or flat in the first weeks after a move is a common experience. If it's heavy and doesn't lift after a couple of months, or you feel unsafe or hopeless, talk to a doctor, a counselor or someone you trust. In the US you can call or text 988 at any hour.
A note on Run Game
The forum has city boards and a Where to go topic for local tips, so check whether your city has posts. The Map's Near you shows live sessions and plans to go out within 50 miles, and you can post your own plan or ask to join someone's. It's one option next to the others in this post, not a replacement for a weekly class.
What to do next
- Pick two recurring activities this week and put the next four dates in your calendar. One should be physical or hands-on, so talking comes easily.
- Choose one "regular" spot (a café or gym) and go at the same time three times this week.
- Message five people you know with the line "I just moved to [city]. Any people or places I should know about?"
- Learn three names and one fact each at each recurring activity by the end of week two. Save them in your phone.
- Introduce yourself to two neighbors with a short hello and one question.
- Send your first invite by day 15, something small with a time and place, such as "Coffee after Thursday's class?"
- At day 30, review. Keep what gave you conversations, drop what didn't, and keep counting hours. Hall's estimate is that casual friendship takes roughly 40 to 60.