Run Game Approaching

What being approached feels like from her side

6 min read

There's no single "her side." Some people enjoy a friendly hello from a stranger and remember it. Others find it intrusive however kindly it's done, and many fall somewhere between, depending on the day, the place and who's asking. What follows describes the parts of the experience that research and interviews do point to, so you can adjust, without guessing what any one person wants.

The first three seconds are a surprise

When you walk up, the other person didn't plan for you. They have to work out, quickly, who you are, what you want, whether it's safe, and how to respond without being rude. That's a lot to do mid-stride.

It helps to know the other half of the picture. Commuters in nine studies by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder (2014, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General) were asked to talk to a stranger, sit in silence, or commute as usual. Those who talked reported the most pleasant trips, and in the waiting-room study that held for people who were approached as well as for those who started the chat. Participants had predicted the opposite and expected more than half of strangers to rebuff them. Limits: the commuters were in the Chicago area, and these were short, friendly chats, not romantic approaches. So the data says many people are open to a conversation. It doesn't say they're open to being asked out by a stranger.

Safety is part of the background

Many people have had unwanted contact from strangers, and that shapes how a hello is received. Figures vary with how a survey asks:

Both measure unwanted conduct, such as shouting, comments and touching, not polite introductions. A calm hello isn't harassment. But the numbers explain why some people tense up when a stranger approaches, and why men are also affected by unwanted contact.

Interviews give the texture. Fiona Vera-Gray of Durham University interviewed 50 women about handling unwanted contact from men in public. She reported that they used things like sunglasses or headphones as a "shield," and that some of this effort was less than conscious. It's a small, qualitative study, so it can't tell you how common any habit is.

Headphones, being alone and being with friends

Headphones. For some people they're about music. For others they're a signal, or a deliberate screen, as in Vera-Gray's interviews. You can't tell which from outside, so a rule of thumb is to treat them as "busy."

Alone. Someone alone has no one to check in with and no social cover. That can make a hello feel more exposed. It can also make it more welcome, if they were hoping for a chat. Both happen.

With friends. Friends offer backup, which can make saying no easier. They also mean an audience, and a person may act politer or cooler in front of them. Address the group, not just one person.

Time pressure. If someone has a train to catch, an interview in ten minutes or a toddler by the hand, the best-meant hello still costs them attention they don't have.

Not everyone wants approaches in public

A plain way to put it is that some people prefer to meet through friends, apps, classes or work, and never in a gym or on a street. One participant in a 2025 survey of 279 women about gym settings wrote, "I generally don't want to be approached by anyone at the gym unless they are a friend." The study (Cowley and Schneider, PLoS One) was self-selected from social media, and it doesn't speak for all women or all gyms.

Others like in-person introductions. Jeffrey Hall's survey of more than 5,100 dating adults described a "traditional" flirting style, with people who believe men should make the first move, and a "polite" style, with people who rarely approach others themselves. Those findings come from self-report. Taken together, they suggest the same setting can suit one person and put off the next.

What tends to make it more comfortable

None of these guarantees a warm reply. They lower the cost of saying no.

Four pages go with this one: consent and respect for reading the reaction, where to stand when you approach, signs she's not interested, and making a date feel safe for what comes after a yes.

What to do next

  1. Before your next approach, picture the first three seconds from the other side and decide how you'll make them easier. Freezing at this step is common; handling hesitation deals with it.
  2. Write a one-sentence intro that says who you are and why you came over. Say it aloud twice.
  3. Check three things before you move: headphones, pace, exit. If any says "busy," skip.
  4. Stand at an angle a few steps off, not in front of the door or in her path.
  5. Plan your exit line in advance: "Well, have a great day."
  6. After the outing, note any reaction that surprised you, such as a stiffening posture, a short reply or a smile, and what you'd change.

Run Game can hold those notes: log each approach as Success or Rejected, and use the session's notes to write down what the reaction looked like and what you'd do differently, so you adjust from evidence, not from guesses.

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